Undergraduate / 'Tears falling from eyes' - common--personal essay: my own topic [2]

Hi, I'm applying Cornell for Early Decision and I need someone to revise and advise on my personal essay as soon as possible. Please help me :(

Here is my essay...

Tears were falling from my eyes. As my band teacher gestured for us to stand up, I was overwhelmed with the audience's genuine appreciation for our music. I looked down on my musical scores. Numerous circle marks were now disfigured and dancing up and down as if they were responding to the acclamation. The memories of struggling to play the music went through my mind in a flash.

"Every music piece has its own story. Tell the story. Do not just play the note." Ms. Starks, my band teacher, would often say to awaken us students. I would then look more closely on the music piece in an attempt to discover hidden story, but without success.

I made many mistakes. Sometimes they were on the same part that I always had struggled with and other times were on the part that I had no problem playing. By any means, I drew a circle to indicate a need of caution and tried to lessen the cacophony that I was producing.

It was, in fact, frustrating to think that I was the only one who was behind. As I ventured through the music, circle marks multiplied. I practiced hard so that I could play confidently without faking when difficult parts came out. However, I often found myself left behind my peers who seemed to play without difficulty. I had no choice but to practice harder.

The process of my improvement was very subtle. However, I was making progress though playing correctly needed patience like parents who wait patiently for the baby to try its feet for the first time.

As I worked hard and made a few mistakes and even felt no need of "circle mark," I began to perceive something different. I was now hearing a story. At first, mere words to phrases, phrases to sentences, I could hear the story while I was playing the music. I realized then that the story was the product of my dedication and passion to improve myself.

My life is this product. It has myriads of "circle marks" and each resembles my efforts to become a good daughter, friend and a student who solves a chapter review question to do well on the Calculus test. I know that I will encounter countless challenges that require time and dedication. I also know that there will be a time when my efforts would not pay off. However, even if I fail, I know that it would not detract from the flow of my story, but rather add, imposing a sense of reality from their imperfections. Because I believe that every effort I put will become a story that only I, SeJin, can create, I am willing to take any challenge, however insurmountable that might seem.

My heart still pounds whenever I look back on the performances I did in Disney-Land and NASA during the band trip in Florida. I guess my passion to improve myself made a special experience an extra-special. However, more exciting events are yet to come and I have no doubt that they will elaborate and polish my story that has yet to be completed.

(any advice or criticism is welcomed!!!)

Undergraduate / holding my flute tightly - Common App: elaborate your activity [4]

I need someone to revise and advise on my short essay as soon as possible. Thank You:)

1. In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer)

I was holding my flute tightly in an attempt to assure myself that everything would go fine. But when I saw hundreds of eyes staring at the stage, my attempt went in vain. It was my first performance as a school worship team. The pressure that I have to play perfectly overwhelmed me. However, when the worship service started and my flute sound lingered in the chapel, I soon realized that my anxiety had vanished; instead, joy and excitement was burgeoning in me. Now, having performed several times, I barely feel nervous when I am on the stage. I even make numerous ad lib within maintaining harmony with others. Participating in the worship team has given and is giving me valuable lessons such as the importance of believing in myself and the greatest mistake I often made was to continuously fearing to making one. (144 words)

Undergraduate / U of Illinois application essay (the local church worship team in Korea) [3]

please review my essay-grammarical fixes and comments welcome

<In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it>

I joined in the local church worship team in Korea when I was in 9th grade. At first, I was very reluctant to accept the offer when the team leader asked me to play flute since I was not comfortable performing in front of people. However, I just decided to give it a try. I was very nervous and worried about making mistakes but my anxiety vanished after a couple of performances and I began to enjoy communication with people through music.

However, being the member of the worship team was not easy. Not only I had to put lots of efforts to prepare for the Sunday worship but also I had to dedicate my Saturday night for the team practice. Then why I continue with it?

It is true that myriads of practice might have worn me down. Nevertheless, when I was on the stage to lead the worship, my face lit up and I felt joy spreading through my body; all my complaints and weary thoughts just disappeared. On the stage, I could not find a shy girl once afraid of making mistakes but there was a girl who actually enjoyed performing in front of people. In addition, it was quite an amazing experience to see several distinct voices make a pleasant harmony.

Although I am now in American and I am unable to perform at my Korean church, I am playing flute as a member of school worship team and having a blessed time. Participating in the worship team has given and is giving me valuable lessons such as the importance of believing in myself and the greatest mistake that I often made was to continuously fearing to making one.

Undergraduate / My mother's depression - personal academic interests relate to your intellectual goals [2]

grammarical fixes/comments and critiques welcome

< In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals>

Ironically, my interest in psychology started with an unpleasant memory: my mother's depression. While my mother was physically and mentally withering away, I could not do anything but quietly stand behind her. Fortunately, her distress eventually got better after one change in her daily routine: consulting with the psychiatrist. Once relieved that my mother was recovering her spirits, I soon found the career, psychiatrist, attractive and began to learn more about this career.

However, in my home-country, people who consult psychologist or psychiatrist have been unwelcomed. The prejudice that only abnormal people consult psychologist or psychiatrist have been deeply rooted in Korea that anyone who goes to consult one's problem keeps it secret from others. Having difficulty understanding the reasons people who try to deal with one's mental dilemma were turned away, I decided to pursue my career wherein this area has been thriving.

It has been almost three years that I have studied in America and learned its different culture, I found myself still strongly interested in psychology. I have been frequently visiting useful websites that I could grasp some information about human behaviorism. I also did my research paper on abnormal psychology at school and learned that the childhood plays an important part in developing a stable mental state.

What I love about the psychology is that it focuses on human mind and tries to find a solution for mental illness that everyone might possess. I want to continue this study not only because I want to help others from their mental problems but also because of the hope that I could find real "me" someday. In addition, since I love to play flute and I appreciate music, I would like to learn and further psychology by applying music. I know that I have a lot to learn in order to pursue my career but since my interest in psychology is not dwindling but rather growing, I am confident that one day I could achieve my goal: a goal that I can help others overcome their distress instead of standing behind.