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Posts by greenfish16
Joined: Aug 13, 2011
Last Post: Aug 22, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 10  
From: Nigeria

Displayed posts: 11
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greenfish16   
Aug 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Just another Thursday" - personal writing [3]

please help correct my writing. am an engineering student trying to improve my creative writing and essay skills. thanks

Just another Thursday

I hate Thursdays!
Academics have always been my
strong suit . Studying till the wee
hours of the morning has been a
part of life I have come to embrace.
Reading for long periods of time has
never unfazed me nor has
researching an abstract topic
discouraged me .
But on Thursdays , the very idea of
academics simply makes me want to
crawl into a dark hole and hibernate
till the dawn of the glorious Friday -
glorious simply because it isn't a
Thursday.
It 's the dawn of
another glorious day . I 'm
up by six after sleeping
late . My eyes are blurry;
my muscles are aching
from sleeping on a bunk
with a flat mattress which
I also happen to share
with a bedmate . But ,
that' s not all. I'm also very
weak from all the junks I
have been eating to
sustain myself for the last
two weeks. Scurrying out
of bed, I rush outside to
queue up for bathing
water in the public tank
with my thoughts being
occupied with the
compulsory assembly
attendance I have in less
than an hour . After about
10 minutes I finally fill up
my borrowed bucket and
walk to the closest
bathroom . There is
absolutely nothing worse
than coming fully awake
by cold water dangerously
approaching freezing
conditions at about 6 :15
in the morning.
Sweating profusely, I
finally make it to the
assembly ground 20
minutes late . You have to
know that walking even
relatively short distances
is definitely not my thing .
I get fatigued easily - there
is probably a good medical
book or a website on
achondroplasia that explains
why . I end up at the end
of the line . i Can't follow
the proceedings because
I can 't see over the head
of the man in front of me .
This is just a typical day in the
supposedly pre university of Benin
industrial training. And my day is just
beginning ,
" Please, help me carry
my board to D.O. 2 " I plead
to one of my friends , "I
think am going to fall off
the steps if I'm as
exhausted as I feel " I add.
It 's about two hours
after noon . Being on my
feet for close to six hours
moving through seemingly
endless machines in the
mechanical lab without
food or even a break, I
still haven 't come to the
reason why I absolutely
hate Thursdays .
So , I 'm tired , hungry
and even a tad bit angry
and I still have to climb all
the way to the second
floor for engineering
drawing .
The room is stale. The
smell of body sweat from
600 packed students is
permeating through the
poorly ventilated room .
And of course there isn 't
any power supply !
Not offering an
engineering drawing
course in my penultimate
and final years of high
school is a decision that
never fails to slap me in
the face every Thursday.
And today isn 't any
different . After two weeks
of drawing classes (two
previous Thursdays ), I' m
still not comfortable with
my drawing board, even
worse still my instruments.
The class is in disarray,
600 hundred tired looking
but determined students
are battling with preparing
their boards for the day ' s
drawing , hoping beyond
hope that the lecturer
actually teaches
something worthwhile. Or
at least do some much
needed introduction to
the course - with about
half of the students not
having done any previous
work in their respective
high schools.
The frustrated groans
of students reverberate
across the room . The
hopeful ambience
shattered. The hopes of
tired students absolutely
crushed . Yes , it is just
another Thursday.
Keeping to form , the
lecturer shows up about
forty minutes late and
without much ado dishes
out drawing assignments .
Completely skipping the
teaching aspect of his job ,
he walks out of the class -
he is done with his part in
this particular Thursday.
Its 11:59 pm , my eyes
are bleary , my muscles are
aching , am both sleep
and food depraved. I 'm
still battling with my
drawing assignments ,
hoping to be through by
morning . Nothing unusual
happened today. It was just
another Thursday, with
plenty more to come ...
Ironically , it was a Thursday that I
had a change of focus in my life . a
life altering change . And surprising, it
started like every other Thursday... .
greenfish16   
Aug 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "to change people for the better" - FSU App. Essay [5]

not too bad. But I believe you can still do alot better. the essay is too wordy and I can't seem to find paragraphs! I think you should rewrite the essay and focus on being concise and expressing yourself clearly..
greenfish16   
Aug 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "the best summer vacations" - UF experience in my life and how it will affect [3]

nice essay.
"Out of all of the members of the Class
of 2012 in my high school, I can safely
say that I have experienced the best
summer vacations".. how can you "safely say?" I think this intro is very weak and should be redone.

"I sure didn't ,"[!]

I suggest you ease up with exclamation marks.

finally, I don't think you answered the prompt fully. how would the experience affect your life in college?
greenfish16   
Aug 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Be Happy It Happened" - Using A Favorite quotation from an essay or book.. [5]

very touching essay. good writing.

But I think it would be better if you use an event that has happened recently. At least three years back. At just five years old I don't think the quotation had the desired effect.

As an aside -

"Tis better to have loved and lost ,
than to never have loved at all."
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

this quotation really has no bearing in the essay. it should taken out. it does not relate to a daughter and father's love.

"pie- ces" ==> pieces

"Some say that letting your feelings out
will make everything seem just a little
better,[.] [B]but in some rare cases , it does
nothing but keep you from moving
on."
greenfish16   
Aug 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / How to reduce YOUTH UNEMPLOYMENT? [2]

Good work but you can do better. if the prompt is about ways to improve the employment situation, then you haven't done enough. The solutions you offered were all cramped into a single paragraph. And basically you made only two meaningful suggestions to curb the youth unemployment.

in sum[mary], if the prompt is about reducing unemployment, a rewrite should be undertaken. Otherwise, with Susan's correction and another edit you should be okay.
greenfish16   
Aug 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] pieces of advice that you would give visitors coming to your country. [3]

good advice.
one advice for you though - decide who your reader is!
Throughout your essay, you use 'they' and 'you' to your reader. please make up your mind and choose one! you are either writing to a tourist or you writing to the person setting the essay on behalf of the tourists.

I don't know if you would understand what am trying to say ...
change your first sentence==> curiosity takes us to unknown/strange places.

All the best though. Cheers
greenfish16   
Aug 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Be Happy It Happened" - Using A Favorite quotation from an essay or book.. [5]

you write well. Though there are areas for improvement, your style is definitely AP quality.

A correction i missed earlier: your sentences are at times too long. Endeavour to use more full stops.

with more effort, trying to express yourself more clearly (by reading top quality editorials/articles), and of course more practise, you're definitely going to improve.

cheers
greenfish16   
Aug 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Just another Thursday" - personal writing [3]

thanks for you edit. the formatting and the lack of the punctuation marks after the last words resulted during copying from word and pasting with a mobile phone.

while I do greatly value your corrections, I am looking for corrections about style and the likes; not simply of mechanical accuracy. I would like to improve my writing skills especially as regards desriprion or narrative.
greenfish16   
Aug 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "Buzzing is what I do for pleasure" - MIT short answer [3]

you are on the right track. it is very difficult describing an activity in 100 words. I for one, aren't caught out for it.
that said, there is room for improvement in your essay. you can make it more interesting by making the buzzing nite more personal to you. describing how you feel, the sensation coarsing thru every night, the fierce competition, the effort you put in the preparation, and so on.

Freshmen who
tolerate this atmosphere become
experienced enough to learn the
"intricacies" of buzzing: the process of
elimination , and educated guessing . I
often interrupt to answer before the
question is finished..

the deleting the above and restructuring your essay will give you more space to show how buzzing is something you do for the "pleasure" of it.

cheers.
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