Undergraduate / 'She has been my mentor' - someone who impacted my life [5]

I think you've done a great job describing how and why your mom is important to yo but I think you should add more to how she has impacted you. I can see why she's a wonderful role model but I think you should add a little something that says how she impacted you on a large scale besides being a great person. What have they done to you specifically to make this person your role model? If that makes sense? lol

Undergraduate / 'we can grow and learn' - Babson Supplement - Letter to Roomate [3]

Dear Roommate,

I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am to be here and I hope you are as well. After all our hard work during high school we finally made it into a school that is highly recognized for its academics and leadership preparation. T hat is why I am sure that we will receive all the tools that we need to build a successful future. Babson was one of my top choices manly because of its focus on leadership. Throughout my high school years I worked closely with clubs, such as debate and community service, that have helped me become a leader not, only in my school but in my community as well. In addition, I was very happy to see that Babson provided the opportunity to participate in various activities to help others and use the skills acquired in classrooms to provide a greater good to those in need. (<-run on, wordy, awkward sentence) I would like to participate in some of the many cultural activities offered by the school, such as traveling to Africa and teaching what we learn to the people there. Another thing that motivates me about Babson is that we can interact with a city rich in culture and with the wide variety of people that reside in this campus. I like to take advantage(removed s on advantages) of situations like these to share my Latin culture with others and learn from them as well. This is also what I wish to share with you as we enter this new stage of our lives together. I moved to the United States on my last year of high school and had to adapt to a completely new environment. F or this reason I am good at acclimating to a new place and I am always enthusiastic about meeting new people. As you can see, I am very curious and willing to learn new things. I could be either out exploring the city or reading a book, because one of the most important things to me(no comma) is being aware of what is going on in the world that surrounds us. Now that you now a little bit about me, I hope I will get to know a lot of things about you too and that we can grow and learn as much as possible during our time together at Babson.

Sincerely,
your roommate

Besides that work on run on sentences and your word choice
Also, a lot of sentences seemed to be wordy and could easily be shortened in a few words
Lastly, if feels like you jump around a lot in your letter and it isn't not really unified and lacks flow

Undergraduate / Le Petit Prince - inspiring work of music, literature, or art [2]

I really enjoyed your essay but the second paragraph confused me slightly when you went from grasping the book with the help of your grandmother to being completely discouraged by one quote. Also, I don't see how this particular piece of literature inspired your education path unless your becoming a teacher of a second language or something. lol

Otherwise, your essay is really well put together and I really like your strong conclusion

Undergraduate / "Be a leader, not a follower." - FSU [5]

"Every day we are surrounded by leaders, not only the obvious ones who hold positions such as CEOs of a major company , military generals, or politicians."

Your essay is a good start but you should add stronger vocabulary words and word on making your essay go full circle
Also, you should work on your focus and I personally wouldn't talk about how leadership can be a negative thing if i was trying to say that it appealed to me and makes for a good characteristic of a well-rounded student