Undergraduate / 'weeks and months of running' - Common Application: Extracurricular Activity [4]

I like your humor, but I think you should add more on how your experience relates to you as a person. Right now you are describing, but you should focus on forming a more solid connection between your experiences with running and your dreams and aspirations or how you've grown as a person.

Undergraduate / "Drawing portraits for others" - Common App Short Answer [7]

As I awaited the task at hand, I nervously tapped my pencil on the table.With no time to spare, I made one last check to make sure everything was ready: my sketchbook securely propped up on the small table easel, my colored pencils neatly arranged in their boxes, and the large sign reading, "Get your portraits drawn here!"

It was family barbecue day at Camp YEY, and I had volunteered myself as a portrait artist. Because I had never done this before, butterflies fluttered in my stomach. But I had no time to worry; the first camper had arrived.

"Hi, would you like your portrait drawn?"
The little boy eagerly nodded his head , and I raised my pencil to the paper. At first, my breathing was shallow(needs work), and my nerves still had not settled . But as I drew, a wave of calmness washed away my fears.Soon, I finished and noticed a grateful expression on the boy's face upon receiving his portrait.Suddenly, I realized that I loved this. After drawing more portraits and seeing more appreciative faces, my confidence soared. I want to always be able to provide small joys like this to others. (write a stronger conclusion)

Made some edits here and there. You have a good topic, but make sure you avoid passive use such as "my breathing was shallow". Try to change it to something like "I breathed..."

Undergraduate / 'optimistic, musical geek who can cook' Stanford Roommate [6]

Hm.. I'm feeling a haughty vibe from you. I'm not sure if that was your intent, but try to avoid it because schools are looking more for people who are enthusiastic about learning and not feeling like they know everything. Or maybe trying moving the grammar part somewhere in the middle of the essay so it is not the first thing read.

Could you help me proofread the grammar in my essay? Any help would be appreciated.

Undergraduate / 'basketball became an integral part of my life' - UC Personal Statement [3]

I enjoyed reading this! However, you should work more on your introduction. College admissions take one look at the first paragraph and make a judgement about the essay. The intro sets the whole tone for the essay, so if your intro is catchy, they will more likely want to keep reading with interest. You could maybe do something descriptive. Something like "Only 1 minute in the game is left, and the crowd is roaring. With beads of sweat glistening on my forehead, I push myself to the maximum to reach that hoop. 12 seconds. As I raise my arms and aim for the dangling white net, my teamates begin chanting my name. "_____, ______, _______" This is where I belong, I thought to myself, This is my moment." Something like that.

Undergraduate / "I Can't Tell My Parents What I do on Saturday Nights"- CA personal statement [3]

You can cut down on your experience. You don't need to describe every little detail. I may be a great story to you, but colleges are looking for what defines you. How does this experience make you the way you are today? Why is it so important to you? Around half of your essay should be addressing this part of the prompt.

Undergraduate / 'ants and loneliness' - UC personal statement 1 [5]

You have a great start, but you start losing me at the last paragraph. Make sure you fix up the sentence structure of the conclusion paragraph and give more hints that you want to study psychology throughout the essay.

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Worried about plagiarism check!

I recently submitted the near final draft of my essay to EssayForum. But because I was so paranoid of someone plagiarizing my ideas, I decided to delete my thread. But now I am freaking out. My thread is deleted (a good thing), but if I type in parts of my essay, it still shows up on Google. However, I cannot click on it. Basically, I'm worried that colleges will think I plagiarized my essay because they cannot access my name at the corner. How can I verify that my essay is my original work if the thread is deleted but its remnants still remain on the web?

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

I can click it actually, but it just says the essay is gone. Do you think they would throw out my application because using a plagiarism check, they see that my essay submitted is 98% like an essay deleted from this forum (which they cannot see is mine)? Also, if they asked for verification, would you be able to verify that I am the original author?

Undergraduate / selfishness -- UC Prompt #2 [6]

I would not risk it if I were you. Always draw positive light to yourself! If you really wanted to write about selfishness, don't flat out state it in your intro. Ex: you can talk how you changed from a selfish person into a benevolent person. But I wouldn't focus a good chunk of the essay on the topic. You definitely should choose a positive quality such as hard-working, generous, caring and provide a unique perspective on it. That way, you can stand out even when writing about popular qualities. Good luck! And hop on it! UC apps are due in just a few days.