Posts by smartanddumber

smartanddumber

Oct 23, 2011

Writing Feedback / History - which academic class has been your favorite [3]

I really love the way you convey your passion for history in this essay. Maybe because I'm also a big fan of history?

I wouldn't comment on the grammatical context, for I am in no position to comment on that.

Once our origins are pieced together, history begins to unify us as a society. It's our collective memory, which is vital for navigating the future. Much like a trajectory problem in physics, it can tell you roughly where something is headed, but first you need two points.
At the same time, history seizes the individual. It plunges them into someone else's perspective. Like a good novel, it takes them outside of their world, and shows them that people are people, through the ages. Occasional laughs and headshakes accompany the recognition of silly stock characters.

This part lacks a flow. The first and the second paragraphs lack the connection, and the last sentence, although well-written, seems awkward.

And

History is common thread that connects all that I am learning in my other classes. Because nothing learned is valuable without context.

History is the common thread...

You seem to rely heavily on is/are/am. If you could change them into lively verbs, your essay will be even more beautiful than it already is.

smartanddumber

Oct 24, 2011

Undergraduate / 'GYLC changed everything - A Risk worth taking. [5]

I suggest you drop your first paragraph completely. It did not put anything extra to the essay, and all its points are already implied in the next paragraphs. Maybe instead of describing lessons you learned and challenges you faced, you can insert a few snippets of conversation: asking the Japanese about sushi, or facing your counselor because of your grades. Admission people always mentioned 'show, don't tell'.

I am in no position to say this, but you can also make your essay more personal, adding details no other applicant, who perhaps also attended GYLC, can add. People who had these kinds of opportunities--volunteer program in Uganda, one-year exchange, etc--would also develop a strong understanding of the cultures of people, and add some unique new words.

It was a risk well taken, that made all the difference, and I wouldn't change my decision for the world.

Simply said, the concluding sentence is very important. It should summarize the essence of the essay, but it'd better be an interesting point to make. Also, 'that' should be 'which', since 'that' cannot be added after a comma.

You have a really interesting topic; all you need to do is to expand and develop it into an equally captivating essay. Good luck!

smartanddumber

Oct 25, 2011

Undergraduate / The language of the universe- comonapp extracurriculars essay. [3]

I agree. I like the way you can incorporate the rather daunting 'SAT' vocabularies like they belong there, and without weighing down your short essay. :)

My suggestion is to leave out this sentence

Music defines me beyond my extracurricular participation in choir, or playing at concerts, or being co-founder of the Music Society and lead singer of the school band.

, or make it shorter, since the admission officer can find it elsewhere, so it leave you some space to expand and improve your last sentence.