kate11everett
Oct 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "I choose to worship empathy." - Common App Essay [4]
Very good, but you might want to consider these revisions:
For a bookish, introverted girl who prefers solitude to the company of others and who often expresses strong opinions with passionate conviction,I have felt shunned by society ,but have also done my fair share of shunning.
Part of that mindset is still part of my character now, the one that prizes individuality above all else and who strongly believes in personal revelation.
The idea that the world should be doing your bidding, that your passions, likes and dislikes ought to somehow inform how the others act, and that your sorrows are yours alone in a world which, you think, refuses to or simply cannot understand, is fundamentally a recipe for depression.
In it,he speaks articulately about the difficulty most human beings have to acknowledge the world around them,to escape their own immediate reality and observe the world. - take out, "in it,"
The key to living a fulfilling life is,as I think Wallace is arguing, to imagine the hardships,joys ,and trivialities of other human beings you encounter, to accept their existence at all, and to understand how they matter just as much as yours. - be sure to put quotations around what he says.
They are not an abstract concept,as I initially designed them to be when I put them between inverted commas;on the contrary, they are the reality I should be paying attention to,but also,and this was a revelation to me,a reality which deserves my attention. - stop using semicolons. not very formal
They constitute the solid truth of my world and seeking to understand this world,I choose to worship the beautiful but laborious gift of empathy.
- All of the above are run-ons!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put a period after your first sentence not a semicolon.
write out all of your contractions: wont to will not, don't to do not ect.
don't start paragraphs off with quotes
He explains how hard it is for all of us,to consider others' perspectives,their lives and their realities as we go through everyday life. - take the comma after us out and put on after their lives
I realized that if I wanted to have any semblance of happiness or contentment in my life or if I wished to lead any sort of ethical, sincere lifestyle I would first have to let the world in. - comma after lifestyle
Very good, but you might want to consider these revisions:
For a bookish, introverted girl who prefers solitude to the company of others and who often expresses strong opinions with passionate conviction,I have felt shunned by society ,but have also done my fair share of shunning.
Part of that mindset is still part of my character now, the one that prizes individuality above all else and who strongly believes in personal revelation.
The idea that the world should be doing your bidding, that your passions, likes and dislikes ought to somehow inform how the others act, and that your sorrows are yours alone in a world which, you think, refuses to or simply cannot understand, is fundamentally a recipe for depression.
In it,he speaks articulately about the difficulty most human beings have to acknowledge the world around them,to escape their own immediate reality and observe the world. - take out, "in it,"
The key to living a fulfilling life is,as I think Wallace is arguing, to imagine the hardships,joys ,and trivialities of other human beings you encounter, to accept their existence at all, and to understand how they matter just as much as yours. - be sure to put quotations around what he says.
They are not an abstract concept,as I initially designed them to be when I put them between inverted commas;on the contrary, they are the reality I should be paying attention to,but also,and this was a revelation to me,a reality which deserves my attention. - stop using semicolons. not very formal
They constitute the solid truth of my world and seeking to understand this world,I choose to worship the beautiful but laborious gift of empathy.
- All of the above are run-ons!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put a period after your first sentence not a semicolon.
write out all of your contractions: wont to will not, don't to do not ect.
don't start paragraphs off with quotes
He explains how hard it is for all of us,to consider others' perspectives,their lives and their realities as we go through everyday life. - take the comma after us out and put on after their lives
I realized that if I wanted to have any semblance of happiness or contentment in my life or if I wished to lead any sort of ethical, sincere lifestyle I would first have to let the world in. - comma after lifestyle