feelthesun012
Nov 12, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The New Artistic Medium' - Rice Supplement: My Unique Perspective [6]
hmmm.. well in the first paragraph it seems like you've repeated "video games" too many times in the same sentence.. for example, look at the last sentence. "I love video games and I want nothing more than for others to recognize video games (try them?) as works of art."
Again, in the second paragraph: "As a result, I never looked at video games as just games (maybe as just that or something similar)"
As for coming off as naive, you might not want so many !!!!s in your sentences.
"It is time to take a stand! It is time for the United States and the entire world to understand the legitimacy of video games and what they can accomplish!"
How about- and this is just a suggestion- how about "I believe that it is high time that not only United States but also the entire world understood the legitimacy of video games and appreciated what they can accomplish."
And as for "It is time to take a stand!" try specifying your audience. Who should take a stance? Video game lovers, or the entire world? Are you trying to get a certain group of people to take a stand on what they love or are you trying to get the world to take a stand? And what stand? I'm just saying that it's a very ambiguous statement.
Good luck with your essay! I've just started mine and I know it's really hard to write it. Overall, I think you've done a great job.
hmmm.. well in the first paragraph it seems like you've repeated "video games" too many times in the same sentence.. for example, look at the last sentence. "I love video games and I want nothing more than for others to recognize video games (try them?) as works of art."
Again, in the second paragraph: "As a result, I never looked at video games as just games (maybe as just that or something similar)"
As for coming off as naive, you might not want so many !!!!s in your sentences.
"It is time to take a stand! It is time for the United States and the entire world to understand the legitimacy of video games and what they can accomplish!"
How about- and this is just a suggestion- how about "I believe that it is high time that not only United States but also the entire world understood the legitimacy of video games and appreciated what they can accomplish."
And as for "It is time to take a stand!" try specifying your audience. Who should take a stance? Video game lovers, or the entire world? Are you trying to get a certain group of people to take a stand on what they love or are you trying to get the world to take a stand? And what stand? I'm just saying that it's a very ambiguous statement.
Good luck with your essay! I've just started mine and I know it's really hard to write it. Overall, I think you've done a great job.