So I am trying to enter Rice University and this is what I have so far for thier supplement essay. Its my fourth rough draft out of possibly six or seven, so its definitely not my best work. I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me what I do right and what I do wrong. Here's the prompt:
The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? Most people are able to answer in two or three double spaced pages.
'The New Artistic Medium' - Rice Supplement: My Unique Perspective 2.0
Alright guys, I'm heading into the final stretch with my essay. I've shown it to my friends and they say that I only half answer the question at best, but then again they are only high school students who don't have the best grades so they be missing something. Other than that, the rest of the problems I have with the essay are minor details that I'll list later. Also, please keep in mind guys: saying my essay is great and wonderful and etc. may help my ego, but it doesn't help my essay. So please be specific with what you like and don't like. Thanks guys!. So here's the prompt and essay.
The New Artistic Medium
Many people think the words "art" and "video games" do not belong in the same sentence; I am not one of those people. I understand that video games can be true masterpieces, and I have exposed myself to many works of art through video games. From science fiction (Xenosaga) to historical fiction (Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater) to even light-hearted adventure (Super Mario Galaxy), video games have made me laugh, cry, and blast through space. Critical thinking, creative problem solving, and inspiration to surpass my limits are all attributes gained from my experience in the world of video games. I love video games and I want nothing more than for others to recognize video games as works of art.
Video games have positively affected my life multiple times, and in more ways than one. When I was in kindergarten, I bought my first Gameboy Color specifically with a purple see-through skin so I could see what made it tick. I drove my parents crazy by making them read my favorite game's guidebook to me, over and over again. I was not having trouble with the strategy; I just wanted to imagine myself in the world of the game. I remember playing The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX because I loved to listen to "The Ballad of the Wind Fish," explore the exotic locations, and converse with the diverse characters that existed in the game. I did not see it as a game; I saw it as another world that I could temporarily live in and experience for myself.
My family has always stressed my education and encouraged me to go above and beyond what is asked of me. As a result, I never looked at video games as just games; I held video games in the same regard I held novels and movies. Playing The Legend of Zelda: Orcarina of Time, a game that contained beautiful music, motivated me to play the flute, the closest instrument to an orcarina that I knew. Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4 set me out on a personal journey of self-reflection and improvement after showing me the inner evils that we all have deep down inside of us. These games and many more have inspired my own creative writings and motivated my goal to become a video game designer/programmer so that I can transform my stories into excellent video games that raise the bar for the entire video game industry. Yet despite everything video games have done for me, and possibly countless others, the public is still unaware of the benefits video games have to offer us.
Video games are my generation's rock and roll; they are a relatively new innovation that is unlike anything the world has ever seen. Adults have a hard time understanding how the same technology used to make Pacman can have any positive effects on a person. Adults understand the artistic value of all other art forms: movies are accepted, music, even comedy is understood as a serious way to express the flaws and benefits of society. Back in the 1990s, video games either could not reach these standards or did not do them well, but technology has grown since then. Technology allows video games to weave epic and sweeping stories with characters that look and sound like real people, accompanied by fantastic musicals score that heighten the suspense of the story, and even get a few laughs along the way. It is time to take a stand! It is time for the United States and the entire world to understand the legitimacy of video games and what they can accomplish!
Upon entering Rice University, one of my personal goals is to use the resources available through the college to form a club with the purpose of convincing the public to accept video games as an art form. The club would get creators of video games, such as Ken Liven, creator of Bioshock, to come to the university campus for a seminar workshop. Ultimately, we hope to get the media to recognize game designers like Ken and invite him onto their programs, such as The Daily Show or AC360. However, Liven will not be on those shows to defend himself from critics who say that his game encourages youth violence; instead, Liven will be there to explore the symbolism and themes of his game, such as Rapture, the underwater utopia gone wrong.
Since Rice is an open-minded, interdisciplinary liberal arts college, my club would hope to get every department involved in understanding the artistic prominence of video games. We will persuade English majors to study how Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core caused its audience to cry, despite knowing the main character was doomed from the very beginning. We will persuade the band to play inspiring songs from video games, such as The Legend of Zelda: Orcarina of Time's "Song of Storms." We will convince art majors to study and replicate the astounding graphics of the latest Final Fantasy game. We will muster history majors and get them to argue over the historical accuracy of Assassin's Creed II. We will gather sociology and psychology majors to analyze the conflicting feelings and inner struggles of the main characters of Final Fantasy XIII. Using the unique opportunities given to me by Rice, it is my dream to get the entire country to understand that video games are more than just games; they are the newest, and perhaps greatest, artistic medium there is!
My second biggest concern is that I may come off as naive and immature by the end of the essay instead of an enthusiastic youth. The main source of this concern is the last sentence of my 5th (second to last) paragraph.
You definitely answered the question. The only problem I had was you putting "and over" in parentheses, wasn't really necessary. Other than that you probably have the best 'what makes me different' essay I've ever read, you're challenging people to see video games from an entirely different perspective and it's convincing.
hmmm.. well in the first paragraph it seems like you've repeated "video games" too many times in the same sentence.. for example, look at the last sentence. "I love video games and I want nothing more than for others to recognize video games (try them?) as works of art."
Again, in the second paragraph: "As a result, I never looked at video games as just games (maybe as just that or something similar)"
As for coming off as naive, you might not want so many !!!!s in your sentences.
"It is time to take a stand! It is time for the United States and the entire world to understand the legitimacy of video games and what they can accomplish!"
How about- and this is just a suggestion- how about "I believe that it is high time that not only United States but also the entire world understood the legitimacy of video games and appreciated what they can accomplish."
And as for "It is time to take a stand!" try specifying your audience. Who should take a stance? Video game lovers, or the entire world? Are you trying to get a certain group of people to take a stand on what they love or are you trying to get the world to take a stand? And what stand? I'm just saying that it's a very ambiguous statement.
Good luck with your essay! I've just started mine and I know it's really hard to write it. Overall, I think you've done a great job.
[Moved from]: the words "art" and "video games" - Macalester Supplement Essay
I don't think you need a title. Overall, the essay's well-written. It shows your abilities and your willingness to take action. I would expand a bit more on how Macalester itself can help you attain your goals, emphasizing on its unique assets. You did add its location and good English program, but nothing helps applications like flattering the university itself ;D
There are other things I like about it such as the internship opportunities and the fact its a small college with no frats/sororities, but I felt like mentioning them in this essay would distract from the overall message: Macalester is the place to be for me and my club. I do plan on mentioning these other points in the other part of the Macalester supplement, so no worries there
