Undergraduate / 'The word physics summons two scenes' - Why MIT essay [6]


Ineffective personification. Replace "summons" with perhaps "elicits."


Add the word "is" and remove the comma.


You're missing an "and.


Unclear what you're trying to express. The words just don't fit together. Try to rephrase.


What image of a platonic physics professor? Did you talk about one previously? Also, what is a dream of assiduity? Do you actually dream about being assiduous?


You know that you don't need this sentence.


I hope to learn from and contribute to this scientific community.

Undergraduate / 'want to attend the Weinberg College of Arts & Sciences' - Northwestern Supplement [2]

Admissions officers don't want to read about your scores, your AP exams, or about their own school's acceptance rate in your personal essay. I would recommend giving yourself a few hours to think creatively about this prompt.

Here is a link to an article on how to come up with a creative essay:

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2- Contrast between cultures (Chinese and American) [4]

Overall an excellent essay, and I completely agree with your point about Chinese parents obsessing with their children (I am Chinese). I like your structure, and how you led from how everything began to the manifestation of who you are. I'm sure that this essay is completely fine for the UC applications, if you just review it a few more times. For example, there are small things such as:

"After enrolling my brother in the same school and receiving excellent academic results, they figured they would follow suit with me. From that point on, not only was I immersed in the Chinese language, but also in the Chinese culture." The second sentence seems a little awkward because you didn't talk much about the difference between Chinese language and culture beforehand. Most likely the admission officers wouldn't even notice

Undergraduate / 'more than make me the M.V.P. of the game' [6]

I enjoyed the story, and it seems very frank and direct, which is good. What I'm not too sure about is just the last few lines, because I'm sure that you can come up with a better lesson than "not giving up." For example, you can conclude with some more about that "desperate speech" you made.

Undergraduate / 'my family moved to Orange County, California from Vietnam' - UC Prompt 1 [3]

Very excellent essay! It is very direct, and makes complete sense. Just by reading it once, I understand that you are from Vietnam, from where you believed was a sort of paradise, but then you realized that the United States encourages more aspiring than your home country, and that you dreamed of becoming a geneticist. Some constructive criticism I would provide:

1) tie together somehow location with aspiration--I felt slightly disconnected when I started to read about cancer and your grandfather
2) why do you need to write about how being a geneticist is "complicated"?
3) write more about Vietnam was amazing rather than what others think about the country. When you write "Others judge...", it seems a little negative

I liked the part where you thought North and South Vietnam are brothers and sisters. Keep that.

If you have any questions or want to read more about writing creatively, check it out.