qrhaggerty94
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / Personal statement. living with ADD (attention deficit disorder) [2]
Hey... just a few thoughts:
"...Only excited my already excited thoughts." -That's sort of awkward. I don't think excited should be used twice. In addition, excited sort of gives a positive vibe, I'd try and think of a different adjective. See if you can change it to something else.
"All of the qualities I possessed were those that were not welcome in the classroom setting, fortunately, with time, my excessive energy would be converted from random to determinate processes." - I would put a period after setting and start the next sentence with Fortunately.
"No longer were my questions considered to be negative, for the reason that math was eager to prove its reasoning" - I know what you're trying to say, but the "for the reason" part especially doesn't really work. Also it's repetitive with the reason, reasoning. Change it up a little bit. Maybe change for the reason with because.
-Right around there you have the word encouraged twice. ( "my qualities were encouraged in students." and "that my inquisitive behavior was encouraged." ) Only use it once.
"This logic math had given me made me more critical of" - Choose... given me or made me?
"At this instant, I felt relieved of a great burden that was my past academic failure, it was here that I thought, "this removes an unknown from the list" there was no longer that empty thought that lived within that concluded with a reasonless answer, because of math and the advancements in chemistry, I knew I could quantitatively search for the answer to the surplus of neurotransmitters exciting my senses." -Way too long and run on. I'd put at least put a period after "this removes an unknown from the list."
"that the blame does no reside in the child" -Does not.
"I see a different manifestation of mine, and, not only the students, but also we" -Take out the comma after mine and and.
* I thought your essay was very well written! I could feel YOU in it! However, I would focus a little bit more of how it felt to overcome the barrier of ADD. You focused a lot on facts about ADD and the struggle, but maybe a little bit more of how it felt when you were able to overcome ADD would be beneficial to your essay.
Hope I could help. If you have the time, can you look over my essay! :)
Thanks!
Hey... just a few thoughts:
"...Only excited my already excited thoughts." -That's sort of awkward. I don't think excited should be used twice. In addition, excited sort of gives a positive vibe, I'd try and think of a different adjective. See if you can change it to something else.
"All of the qualities I possessed were those that were not welcome in the classroom setting, fortunately, with time, my excessive energy would be converted from random to determinate processes." - I would put a period after setting and start the next sentence with Fortunately.
"No longer were my questions considered to be negative, for the reason that math was eager to prove its reasoning" - I know what you're trying to say, but the "for the reason" part especially doesn't really work. Also it's repetitive with the reason, reasoning. Change it up a little bit. Maybe change for the reason with because.
-Right around there you have the word encouraged twice. ( "my qualities were encouraged in students." and "that my inquisitive behavior was encouraged." ) Only use it once.
"This logic math had given me made me more critical of" - Choose... given me or made me?
"At this instant, I felt relieved of a great burden that was my past academic failure, it was here that I thought, "this removes an unknown from the list" there was no longer that empty thought that lived within that concluded with a reasonless answer, because of math and the advancements in chemistry, I knew I could quantitatively search for the answer to the surplus of neurotransmitters exciting my senses." -Way too long and run on. I'd put at least put a period after "this removes an unknown from the list."
"that the blame does no reside in the child" -Does not.
"I see a different manifestation of mine, and, not only the students, but also we" -Take out the comma after mine and and.
* I thought your essay was very well written! I could feel YOU in it! However, I would focus a little bit more of how it felt to overcome the barrier of ADD. You focused a lot on facts about ADD and the struggle, but maybe a little bit more of how it felt when you were able to overcome ADD would be beneficial to your essay.
Hope I could help. If you have the time, can you look over my essay! :)
Thanks!