Undergraduate / 'Culture shock and drastic changes at an older age' - My "short" answer UW [3]

I like your writing a lot. You carry out your thesis throughout the whole essay.
A good book that might help with condensing is the Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

Undergraduate / 'My ability to work well with others' - Illinois State Admission [2]

The start of my senior year signaled the beginning of making a life-changing decision-choosing my future university. I've never really thought about where I wanted to go;

therefore, I began writing a list of several universities that came to mind. Admittedly, my knowledge of them was minimal. It wasn't until I decided that I wanted to major in

chemistry that I took a closer look at Illinois State University. Not knowing anyone currently enrolled or having attended Illinois State, I figured the best way to learn a bit

about the University's chemistry department was to look at its website. After reading that the Department of Chemistry is "A leading producer of BS and MS chemists.", I

decided that Illinois State is a step in the right direction towards my goal of earning my master's degree in chemistry.

(Using words like I feel, I believe, and I think makes an essay sound less credible.)

The coursework required for a master's degree in chemistry at Illinois State is rigorous and (I wouldn't add even worse) time consuming.
Being enrolled in an advanced placement chemistry class during my senior year exposed me to the subject as well as the fast pace and difficulty of a college level course.

My success in chemistry class so far makes me confident that I'll continue to do well in college; however, my greatest academic weakness is my inability to manage time efficiently.

Often times I'll start writing an essay and become so immersed in it that when I look at the time, I'll notice several hours have gone by, while I still have many more assignments or other activities to do.

The frustration from feeling like there isn't enough time in a day to finish everything I want to stems directly from my lack of time management.

Instead of looking at my short comings with disdain, I should view them as opportunities to improve myself.

Improving my time management will be an important skill when I become an independent young adult in college, trying to balance my coursework, a part-time job, extracurricular activities, and new friends.

Having been a badminton player for three years in high school, I learned the importance of teamwork. The badminton team was a diverse group of girls that didn't have much in common except for their love of playing (playing is optional, it might be better to take it out) badminton. Being able to branch out from my comfort zone is something that will help me to integrate into life at Illinois State. Coming into contact with new people is inevitable and often times I'll be working with someone I don't know on a project or in class. Being able to collaborate with people allows me to see others' unique perspectives and exposes me to different ideas. My ability to work well with others constantly leaves me looking for opportunities to contribute to the success of a group rather than just to my own. Hopefully, I'll find myself part of the student body at Illinois State University.

These are just a few suggestions. If you have an English teacher or tutor, I'd recommend that you have them review it.

Good job so far and keep up the good work.
Good luck with Illinois State!

Undergraduate / 'the slides of Chinese government' - Importance of Diversity Common App Essay [4]

I love this essay! Out of all the essays I've read today, this one is most clearly organized.
However, there a a few grammatical errors and some sentences should be rephrased, combined, or separated.
I think that some of the sentences are too long; therefore, they can be confusing.

Is this punctuation correct? But, why, in America,

Sadly I am no grammatical expert.
Good luck :)

Undergraduate / Why I seek a college education, what I expect from it, and why I chose Menlo college [5]

Thanks for the suggestions Kaioulunar, they are very helpful.

Thank you Eric, I did not know how to phrase some of those sentences correctly. I am a girl though, so I will not be chasing too many girls ;)