Undergraduate / 'My family puts me as their first priority' - UC PROMPT 1 [9]

Hi guys! I'm new here and I think my essay really needs help. It's a total of 660 words! I need help on cutting it down. D: Also, I don't know if my response even answers the prompt. It took me forever just to think of something to say. So I'd really appreciate it if you guys can give me some good critiques and hints! I know there are grammatical errors in this essay, and I'd like you guys to catch them, but mainly, i just want to focus on revising the contents first.

Oh yeah, I have a question too: As you guys read my essay, I'll be talking about my volunteer experience for my library's volunteer club, Junior Friends. However, because my essay has gotten waaaay too long, I couldn't mention some of the things that I wanted to, like how I gathered up my courage to run for the Club treasurer and won. Should I delete some things to mention that? If so, what can I delete?

Thanks for helping!

Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As different worlds clash together, a new world forms. This is how my world came to be. My world started with a prosaic beginning as an introverted little girl. As I reminisce through my childhood, I realize that this little girl was just like a lost piece of puzzle, disconnected from the rest of the pieces that forms the picture of the world that I live in today. My world took its shape by connecting with the world out there, allowing me to see myself in a new perspective.

Up until high school, I changed schools about eight times since Kindergarten. Every time I moved, I never kept in contact with any of the friends that I made because I thought that with my presence being gone from their lives, it wouldn't make much of a difference. With this mindset, I lived through my entire childhood as a passive and timid little girl who was detached from the society. The only place that I felt comfortable being around was at home with my family. They treated me as their family treasure because I was the only child. I felt relieved to know that my existence was of importance to at least three people in this world, my parents and my grandmother. My family was the color of my childhood.

I have always been very grateful for being born into a family that puts me as their first priority in everything. They always let me eat the most nutritious meals, and buy me anything that I request for. Their heart-warming love inspired me to become the perfect child that any parent would have ever wanted in order to repay them for all the arduous times that they had to go through to take care of me. Starting since middle school, I cooked breakfast for my family every weekend, and woke them up at 7 A.M. every morning for work. In school, I worked diligently to get A's. My obedience and good grades pleased my family, and their happiness made me happy. I thought that I would be satisfied living this way for my family until my life started to take a different direction when my parents encouraged me to become involved with my community.

Being the obedient teenager that I am, I decided to join the volunteer club (Junior Friends) at my city library.

Volunteering at the library has boosted up my self-confidence as I started to come into a realization that my existence is actually of importance to people other than just my family. At the library, I assisted the librarians in their computer lab lessons for adults and helped manage special events for the young ones. It allowed me to open up my world and interact with people of various ages, but the best part of all, was their smiles and words of appreciation at the end of the day. They showed me that I am an important part of this community and that I am needed in a place outside of my family. Consequently, I began to see my world forming around people other than just my family. The people that I helped at the library became a part of my world and I became a part of theirs. The library became my second family.

Throughout my 17 years of experiences in this world, I discovered that my existence serves a far greater purpose than just making my parents proud. I learned to value my existence as I realized that I have the potential to make an impact on people's lives through volunteering. Although my world has gotten bigger through my involvement in my community, I now feel the ambition to further broaden my horizons to discover my true potentials and use the best of my abilities to make a difference to the world. My plan to achieve this goal starts in a place where people around the globe come together with dreams of their own, the University of California.

Undergraduate / 'what makes us grow as a person' - UC PROMPT 2 [7]

I'd appreciate your opinions! :D

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was 5:30 A.M. on a regular school day, and I was devouring the most delicious breakfast that I had ever tasted at McDonalds. My breakfast tasted of victory and accomplishment. I was in the midst of celebration with 15 other leaders of [name] High School. We were the new members of the 2012 leadership organization call [name] (abbrev.). All (abbrev.) members were selected for their integrity, honesty, and other characteristics of a good leader to serve as role models of our school as we host the upcoming school events for the underclassmen. My acceptance into (abbrev.) ultimately marked the culmination of my high school years because I now have the opportunity to serve my last year in this school by contributing to the school as a leader.

At first, the application process of (abbrev.) seemed very daunting to me. It required two essays for the first stage of selecting potential members, and then the second stage required an interview with our school's five prominent department head teachers. Additionally, some of the school's top-ranked students were applying to CNS, and I felt that I would not have the chance to compete with them for membership. However, I soon came to realize that they were not obstacles worth considering. The true obstacle on this road was me. I noticed that I was dubious of my own abilities and let my own fears took control. Coming to this realization, I conquered my fears and put myself up to the game.

After I got a notification for passing the first stage, I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions of joy and anxiousness as I anticipated for the second stage, the interview. As I entered the interview room, five prominent teachers sat before me. I greeted them with a big smile, but they didn't smile back. The atmosphere in the room was tense. Although it discouraged me a little bit, I still kept my composure together. Surprisingly, when the interview began, I found myself answering each of their questions calmly, and at the end, I even made them laugh. This interview gave me more than just a sense of victory. It helped me discover that my abilities could go beyond my expectations.

Through this experience, I learned that taking on new challenges in life is what makes us grow as a person. It was important not to limit my abilities just because of my own fears. My acceptance made me further realize that if I had not overcome my fear to face this challenge, I would have missed this great opportunity to become a part of something great and to discover my true potentials. It was amazing being able to celebrate this accomplishment, even if it was at 5:30 A.M. eating McDonalds.