I'd appreciate your opinions! :D
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
It was 5:30 A.M. on a regular school day, and I was devouring the most delicious breakfast that I had ever tasted at McDonalds. My breakfast tasted of victory and accomplishment. I was in the midst of celebration with 15 other leaders of [name] High School. We were the new members of the 2012 leadership organization call [name] (abbrev.). All (abbrev.) members were selected for their integrity, honesty, and other characteristics of a good leader to serve as role models of our school as we host the upcoming school events for the underclassmen. My acceptance into (abbrev.) ultimately marked the culmination of my high school years because I now have the opportunity to serve my last year in this school by contributing to the school as a leader.
At first, the application process of (abbrev.) seemed very daunting to me. It required two essays for the first stage of selecting potential members, and then the second stage required an interview with our school's five prominent department head teachers. Additionally, some of the school's top-ranked students were applying to CNS, and I felt that I would not have the chance to compete with them for membership. However, I soon came to realize that they were not obstacles worth considering. The true obstacle on this road was me. I noticed that I was dubious of my own abilities and let my own fears took control. Coming to this realization, I conquered my fears and put myself up to the game.
After I got a notification for passing the first stage, I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions of joy and anxiousness as I anticipated for the second stage, the interview. As I entered the interview room, five prominent teachers sat before me. I greeted them with a big smile, but they didn't smile back. The atmosphere in the room was tense. Although it discouraged me a little bit, I still kept my composure together. Surprisingly, when the interview began, I found myself answering each of their questions calmly, and at the end, I even made them laugh. This interview gave me more than just a sense of victory. It helped me discover that my abilities could go beyond my expectations.
Through this experience, I learned that taking on new challenges in life is what makes us grow as a person. It was important not to limit my abilities just because of my own fears. My acceptance made me further realize that if I had not overcome my fear to face this challenge, I would have missed this great opportunity to become a part of something great and to discover my true potentials. It was amazing being able to celebrate this accomplishment, even if it was at 5:30 A.M. eating McDonalds.
Overall, I think you've written a good essay. I like how you've structured it. Just a little constructive criticism:
1) Try to avoid generic statements: "I put myself up to the game" and "conquered my fears" are examples.
2) If possible, try to bring the reader into your position. It's easy to state how you felt, but more difficult to make the reader realize how you felt without telling them. To do this, try to eliminate the being verbs in your essay (i.e. "was")
Hope that helps. I've recently posted an essay of my own, and any criticism you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
Take care,
Madison
