idyllistic
Nov 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "The abortion: My decisions and adulthood, " -UC Prompt#2 [5]
Hi, I want as much feedback as possible. Please, be critical and brutal. Tell me if it's structured weird, tense errors, misleading, unclear, leaving you with questions, etc. Fyi, this is incomplete in terms of the last paragraph, addressing how it reflects who I am.
Overall, I really want your impression of me, judging from this essay alone. Thank You!
Prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Essay:
From an early age, my parents instilled in me that my choices dictate who I will become. They said that I am an adult when I take responsibility; otherwise I am still a child, regardless of my age. One of the most important decisions I made happened in January 2010. I left the shelter of my parents' care to support my girlfriend. We had an abortion. Never before had I faced such challenges and changes all at once. I soon realized that I was not only dealing with our heartbreak but with the obstacles of living on my own means. Even though I did not have much money or all the necessary skills to be independent, I had a responsibility to the person I love and to myself. Hundreds of miles away and without the support of my family, these responsibilities guided me into adulthood. I was a boy embarking into the world where my parents naturally advised me to postpone, but I had a deep conviction that moving away was the right decision.
Independent living entailed cooking home meals, doing chores, and using public transit to commute between work and school. But faced with financial independence and minimum wage, maintaining a budget was the actual challenge. In order to get through the day, I ate a dollar bag of chips for lunch because this was what I could afford between rent and therapy. Unhealthy as it was, however, I poured most of my energy into recovering from the abortion. I was in a constant search for psychologists or therapists, who would counsel us for nearly nothing. Although I am proud that I was able to juggle both my life and relationship, I am particularly proud that I did not quit. This was most evident after my relationship ended, and consequently, my grades declined, along with my health. I thought everything I done went in vain, but losing what I had invested in for so long brought perspective. I am grateful to have journeyed so far for the person I love so dearly. Losing her did not mean losing my experience of independence or giving up on my responsibilities to myself. I continued to receive professional help and took a semester off to regain my health. This makes me proud of being a committed person, which, in this case, also makes me a proud self-reliant individual.
[-396 Words so far-]
[-Third paragraph-]
Hi, I want as much feedback as possible. Please, be critical and brutal. Tell me if it's structured weird, tense errors, misleading, unclear, leaving you with questions, etc. Fyi, this is incomplete in terms of the last paragraph, addressing how it reflects who I am.
Overall, I really want your impression of me, judging from this essay alone. Thank You!
Prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Essay:
From an early age, my parents instilled in me that my choices dictate who I will become. They said that I am an adult when I take responsibility; otherwise I am still a child, regardless of my age. One of the most important decisions I made happened in January 2010. I left the shelter of my parents' care to support my girlfriend. We had an abortion. Never before had I faced such challenges and changes all at once. I soon realized that I was not only dealing with our heartbreak but with the obstacles of living on my own means. Even though I did not have much money or all the necessary skills to be independent, I had a responsibility to the person I love and to myself. Hundreds of miles away and without the support of my family, these responsibilities guided me into adulthood. I was a boy embarking into the world where my parents naturally advised me to postpone, but I had a deep conviction that moving away was the right decision.
Independent living entailed cooking home meals, doing chores, and using public transit to commute between work and school. But faced with financial independence and minimum wage, maintaining a budget was the actual challenge. In order to get through the day, I ate a dollar bag of chips for lunch because this was what I could afford between rent and therapy. Unhealthy as it was, however, I poured most of my energy into recovering from the abortion. I was in a constant search for psychologists or therapists, who would counsel us for nearly nothing. Although I am proud that I was able to juggle both my life and relationship, I am particularly proud that I did not quit. This was most evident after my relationship ended, and consequently, my grades declined, along with my health. I thought everything I done went in vain, but losing what I had invested in for so long brought perspective. I am grateful to have journeyed so far for the person I love so dearly. Losing her did not mean losing my experience of independence or giving up on my responsibilities to myself. I continued to receive professional help and took a semester off to regain my health. This makes me proud of being a committed person, which, in this case, also makes me a proud self-reliant individual.
[-396 Words so far-]
[-Third paragraph-]