athai45
Dec 6, 2011
Undergraduate / 'we are all humans' - Common App Essay my own topic [5]
I already finish this essay, but I am still kind of second-guessing my self on what I should change. So, I am wondering if there are any changes that I should make to this to make this extremely good in the eyes of the college essay application committee. I am open to all changes about anything, except different subject.
This is the common essay prompt: a topic of my choice.
This is a re-vised version of my essay. I am ready to send this to common app now. problem is it is too long. can anybody please help me cut down the length to 600 words? Thank you very much.
Kurithaibashi
By Alex Thai
We are all human. As humans, we are made in God's image. Yet, unlike God, who can answer and solve any problem or obstacle with ease, we all have obstacles in our lives that test our limits and show us what our true colors are. In some cases, we just simply succumb to those obstacles and let them take over our lives. Before I became a senior in high school writing this essay to the colleges I hope to get into, I succumbed to many obstacles because I had self-esteem issues. I did not trust myself when I was making decisions because I always second- guessed myself. And lastly, I always let people make the decision for me. I knew that if I kept on this path, my life would not be successful.
After periods of self-doubting and being a "step-ladder", I knew I had to change. My inspiration to change myself came from an unusual savior in the form of a movie I had purchased from a movie store. In Letters from Iwo Jima, I would get a first taste of a person who would influence me to become the person that I am now: Lt. General Tadamichi Kuribayashi. Who is he you ask? Let us enter to June 1944, when Gen. Kuribayashi had to prepare the island of Iwo Jima for the U.S. invasion during WWII. During preparation, he showed knowledge of his enemy and openness to change when he switched the defensive plan to a tunnel-orientated defense knowing from previous living experience in the U.S., the Americans' huge statistical advantages over the Japanese in men and technology meant it was a loss from the start. But that didn't faze him, as he kept on with his plan to make this battle a war of attrition. However, his plans didn't sit well with his lower subordinates, who argued that it went against Japanese protocol, which called for a trench defense. They also accused Kuribayashi of being an American sympathizer, believing that he would just let the US win.
They pressured him before as well as during the battle of Iwo Jima to change his plans, even to the point of munity by committing "banzai" charges on American lines, something Kuribayashi strictly forbid, believing it was a waste of lives. However, Kuribayashi didn't crumble under pressure and kept the defense plan mostly intact with a few compromises. Because of his efforts and despite his subordinates', the Japanese managed to hold out for 36 days.
At first, watching this movie didn't have any influence on me. I thought it was a great movie that was very interesting. I still had those same problems before watching the movie, and I thought that I would never rid of these issues from my life. However, fate for once actually worked with me and the decision that I would make following acceptance into Central Catholic High School would prove to be an invaluable one. As a freshman, I did not know where to go with my life. But after reading a pamphlet that I was mailed to by CCHS, I noticed the title XC running caught my eye and I though since I had weight 200lbs, I joined the team. Well, that didn't work out at first as I had envisioned. The 6:00 am practices, 1000m uphill runs, 3 to 5 mile runs, and a course that consisted of 90% hills, along with dropping dead after practice took a toll on me. Mentally, I thought I wasn't going to make it through a 12 meet season. After just the first practice, I wanted to quit. But during the weekend on October, I decided to research more about Iwo Jima online. It not only backed up what I had seen from the movie, but I also learned more details, such as when on the final suicide attack at the Americans, he had decided to join the troops to death as well, which I think showed what a true leader is. From then, I knew I had to change: It was now or never. During the 2nd half of XC, I doubled my effort. When the practices got tougher, I showed determination by pushing through those last hundred meters to finish that lap then go on to the next one. In my previous meets, when the running got tough, I would just surrender and walk the remaining 2 and a half miles, just wanting it to end, not caring for the humiliation that would await me. But during the 2nd half of the season, I just kept true to myself and persevered over the thought of quitting and gutted it out the final mile and a half. Even if I'm not running, I would try to be a leader and cheer my guys on to do their best, no matter what and try to help my other peers with any issues that I might have faced before hands. Not only did I show some of Kuribayashi's characteristics during sports, but I showed it during classes as well, getting high grades and honors for the whole year as well as in life by being a peer leader in school and my community.
Since learning about Kuribayshi and emulating his characteristics as well as going through one full season of XC, I changed. I am now able to stay with a decision that I make despite pressure from other people telling me to change otherwise. In terms of perseverance, I had gone through that baptism of fire as a freshman on the XC team who was always made fun of. Now, I am a leader who helps out younger teammates who may also have confidence issues.
Now in terms of applying these traits to college and life, I will try my best to show determination and perseverance in the face of difficulty of any obstacle thrown at me. I am prepared to throw myself into the tough college world in order to get that degree in Physical Therapy and pass through every test with my best effort forward. All the challenges in life and college will be tough. But one thing is clear: I will be on the winning end.
I already finish this essay, but I am still kind of second-guessing my self on what I should change. So, I am wondering if there are any changes that I should make to this to make this extremely good in the eyes of the college essay application committee. I am open to all changes about anything, except different subject.
This is the common essay prompt: a topic of my choice.
This is a re-vised version of my essay. I am ready to send this to common app now. problem is it is too long. can anybody please help me cut down the length to 600 words? Thank you very much.
Kurithaibashi
By Alex Thai
We are all human. As humans, we are made in God's image. Yet, unlike God, who can answer and solve any problem or obstacle with ease, we all have obstacles in our lives that test our limits and show us what our true colors are. In some cases, we just simply succumb to those obstacles and let them take over our lives. Before I became a senior in high school writing this essay to the colleges I hope to get into, I succumbed to many obstacles because I had self-esteem issues. I did not trust myself when I was making decisions because I always second- guessed myself. And lastly, I always let people make the decision for me. I knew that if I kept on this path, my life would not be successful.
After periods of self-doubting and being a "step-ladder", I knew I had to change. My inspiration to change myself came from an unusual savior in the form of a movie I had purchased from a movie store. In Letters from Iwo Jima, I would get a first taste of a person who would influence me to become the person that I am now: Lt. General Tadamichi Kuribayashi. Who is he you ask? Let us enter to June 1944, when Gen. Kuribayashi had to prepare the island of Iwo Jima for the U.S. invasion during WWII. During preparation, he showed knowledge of his enemy and openness to change when he switched the defensive plan to a tunnel-orientated defense knowing from previous living experience in the U.S., the Americans' huge statistical advantages over the Japanese in men and technology meant it was a loss from the start. But that didn't faze him, as he kept on with his plan to make this battle a war of attrition. However, his plans didn't sit well with his lower subordinates, who argued that it went against Japanese protocol, which called for a trench defense. They also accused Kuribayashi of being an American sympathizer, believing that he would just let the US win.
They pressured him before as well as during the battle of Iwo Jima to change his plans, even to the point of munity by committing "banzai" charges on American lines, something Kuribayashi strictly forbid, believing it was a waste of lives. However, Kuribayashi didn't crumble under pressure and kept the defense plan mostly intact with a few compromises. Because of his efforts and despite his subordinates', the Japanese managed to hold out for 36 days.
At first, watching this movie didn't have any influence on me. I thought it was a great movie that was very interesting. I still had those same problems before watching the movie, and I thought that I would never rid of these issues from my life. However, fate for once actually worked with me and the decision that I would make following acceptance into Central Catholic High School would prove to be an invaluable one. As a freshman, I did not know where to go with my life. But after reading a pamphlet that I was mailed to by CCHS, I noticed the title XC running caught my eye and I though since I had weight 200lbs, I joined the team. Well, that didn't work out at first as I had envisioned. The 6:00 am practices, 1000m uphill runs, 3 to 5 mile runs, and a course that consisted of 90% hills, along with dropping dead after practice took a toll on me. Mentally, I thought I wasn't going to make it through a 12 meet season. After just the first practice, I wanted to quit. But during the weekend on October, I decided to research more about Iwo Jima online. It not only backed up what I had seen from the movie, but I also learned more details, such as when on the final suicide attack at the Americans, he had decided to join the troops to death as well, which I think showed what a true leader is. From then, I knew I had to change: It was now or never. During the 2nd half of XC, I doubled my effort. When the practices got tougher, I showed determination by pushing through those last hundred meters to finish that lap then go on to the next one. In my previous meets, when the running got tough, I would just surrender and walk the remaining 2 and a half miles, just wanting it to end, not caring for the humiliation that would await me. But during the 2nd half of the season, I just kept true to myself and persevered over the thought of quitting and gutted it out the final mile and a half. Even if I'm not running, I would try to be a leader and cheer my guys on to do their best, no matter what and try to help my other peers with any issues that I might have faced before hands. Not only did I show some of Kuribayashi's characteristics during sports, but I showed it during classes as well, getting high grades and honors for the whole year as well as in life by being a peer leader in school and my community.
Since learning about Kuribayshi and emulating his characteristics as well as going through one full season of XC, I changed. I am now able to stay with a decision that I make despite pressure from other people telling me to change otherwise. In terms of perseverance, I had gone through that baptism of fire as a freshman on the XC team who was always made fun of. Now, I am a leader who helps out younger teammates who may also have confidence issues.
Now in terms of applying these traits to college and life, I will try my best to show determination and perseverance in the face of difficulty of any obstacle thrown at me. I am prepared to throw myself into the tough college world in order to get that degree in Physical Therapy and pass through every test with my best effort forward. All the challenges in life and college will be tough. But one thing is clear: I will be on the winning end.