Undergraduate / 'this occurred in Slovenia' - Common Application Essay on travelling/moving [5]

Hi! This is my common application essay that I wrote and the more I read it, the more I absolutely hate it :( I just need some really honest, brutal if necessary, feedback on this piece!!!

My thoughts: I feel as though I tried to accomplish too much and therefore the essay wasnt personal anymore. I was born in HongKong, lived in Korea, Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, Russia, and then went on to two boarding schools in America. Just wanted to show how these moves affected my life- the culture, values, experiences, etc... I just couldn't leave anything out!

Thanks in advance

Prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

They kicked the door off its hinges and raged into the house. Try to imagine how horrified I was when five ruffians, trying to intimidate our family, stormed in and robbed us in the middle of one day. I was 7 years old and aghast at the sight of my crying mother, whose face was crimson with anger and fear. While her hands were bleeding from shattered glass trying to stop those bulky bullies, I was helpless. All I could do was sit in a corner, cover my ears from the screaming and smashing, and cry.

"It's all over. It's all right," my mother muttered. Despite the pervading pain she smiled, and I wiped the tears off my sullen face with cold, shaking fingers.

Although this occurred in Slovenia, I recalled the incident late one night while riding the Moscow metro. "How did I get here?" I often wondered. Looking back, my life had always been an endless train ride, never settling. There was one benefit, however, to this itinerant existence: Each stop was unique, and you could learn a lot from each place.

Trying to hark back to life in Hong Kong, where I was born, I could only guess that it was like Korea, where I moved to two years later. Visions of the scintillating city, the wet, wild fish markets and the gentle mist that topped skyscrapers, supported my memory. The Asian culture instilled in me that man is a humble being who must show respect and deference, but only did this tenet sink in when I lived amid the racism of European countries - the Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, and Russia.

My European friends would shout "Ahnyong!" at me, squinting their eyes, torturing me ruthlessly. I remember punching a wall till the bricks were stained red, but instead of despising my race, I realized something -- my European peers knew they were the best. So I adopted this pride and confidence into my own life. They also stressed the importance of family, and I came to appreciate late night strolls with my family under honey-colored lights on the Charles Bridge in Prague. Each step on that Bohemian sandstone was bliss.

But just when life seemed perfect and the moving had stopped, I decided to push myself by going to boarding school in New York. However, I found the work unchallenging and the environment too familiar, so I transferred to one of the top schools in America, where I emulate the best.

Perhaps this train ride wasn't so bad. It left me seeking for more. I've been uprooted from my many homes; eight times in all, twice by my own volition, once because of thugs. Each time, not only did I pick up another stamp on my passport and a good deal of mileage, but I also took with me an inordinate number of priceless experiences. The exciting thing for me is that there is so much more to learn, so many places to see, so many challenges to overcome. And right now I want to be challenged.

Any thoughts after you read this?

Undergraduate / 'encounter with a jellyfish' - Cornell Supplement- (Biological Sciences) [4]

Hey, this is my Cornell supplement essay and I'm not sure if I sound like I really want to go to Cornell through this essay! I just need some really honest feedback please!!

Prompt: How have your interests and experiences influenced your selection of major (biological sciences)?

A few years ago, an unexpected encounter with a jellyfish altered the course of my life. During summer break freshman year, I was stung by a mysterious presence in the water while swimming in Busan's Haeundae Beach. The culprit was none other than the notorious Irukandji jellyfish, weighing less than an ounce. The poison from the tentacles spread throughout my legs, causing lingering and excruciating pain. Crying out all my hopes of seeing another day, I had never before experienced such torturing headaches or burns on my skin.

In less than an hour, I was hospitalized, injected with antibodies, antivenoms and other anti-something fluids to ease the unrelenting pain. What scared me most was not the unprecedented agony I was in, but the fact that there was no cure for Irukandji symptoms, which are caused by several species of unidentified bacteria. After three days of alleviation, the symptoms never reappeared and I, a scared little boy, was able to go home.

Ever since I was 5, my interests were deeply rooted in biology. I loved science because it was tidy, neat; I loved having weighty tomes of science subjects to rely on when I had my indiscriminating curiosities. But after the jelly sting when I saw the doctor's expression of helplessness, my mind panicked but also plunged into a new realm of thoughts, ideas of microscopic worlds of unknown organisms that may hold the key to new diseases or cures. I was suddenly trying to contemplate the billions of organisms on my skin, identified and unidentified, and the limitless possibilities of existing forms of life that have yet to be discovered. The experience, caused by a small sting, ignited a passion for searching out the unknown and gave me an innovating outlook more expansive than the 5 year-old could ever imagine.

My enthusiasm was only bolstered when my mother was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer. Realizing the potential fate of my mother, I want to research what causes the tumors in her gastrointestinal tract and how they could be safely removed. I know the unimaginable pain and hardships my mother endures, and I believe that no one's life should be hampered by such tragedy. So I wish to find answers for diseases at the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences where students can participate in cutting edge research under faculty advisors and the best microbiologists, veterinarians, and biomedical engineers in the nation. I'm young and without experience, but I am eager to assist Cornell's faculty members like Professor John Schimenti and his research in cancer genetics and mechanisms of mice genome.

Although my interests over the years have varied from researching diseases to studying herpetology, I am convinced that this path into biology is where I can contribute the most, increasing human knowledge for the betterment of society. Uncertain of my specific career choice, I believe that Cornell University's undergraduate education will be a diving board of my interests and can lead me onto many exciting paths in the different fields of biology, as supported by Ezra Cornell when he first founded the university: "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." It is my yearning to have more chances to study biology, and the research opportunities and the rigorous science classes at Cornell University satisfy my desire for that kind of learning.

Undergraduate / 'The smell of Seaside Spring' - University of Pennsylvania/UPenn optional [3]

Alright this is my UPenn optional essay! I'd appreciate any helpful, brutally honest feedback! I'll help with your pieces too!! Thanks in advance

Prompt: introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences

"There is a certain smell when you walk into my prefect's room, a homey, airy kind of smell. The smell of Seaside Spring, of fresh ironed shirts, of home. I wipe my feet on the door mat and recline on his comfy brown couch- the perfect place to relax. Here he comes. 'Man, that was a good game of squash. Now I got that philosophy paper to write, physics and bio tests to study, and ..." He hangs his hoodie on his chair and starts typing. Then, without so much as a glance over his shoulder he notices my Algebra textbook and asks, 'Math help?' I nod shyly, sorry to keep him from his work. But he helps me anyway, going through the problems step-by-step. 'Need anything else? Besides a haircut? Geez, you look like one of the Beatles!' I chuckle at his joke and get up to leave. 'Thanks, DJ.'"

In case you haven't noticed, I'm writing in the position of my prefectee/dorm freshman

Any thoughts? What did you find out about me?

Thanks again!!