Posts by santoryuu

santoryuu

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I wouldn't return to my boarding school' - Common App Essay [4]

your description for senses is good enough. however, you need to add colour in your description to make it better. hope that can help you.

santoryuu

Dec 24, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: I Dunwanna Grow Up [2]

you can mention some names to your paragraph to make it more specific.

santoryuu

Dec 25, 2011

Scholarship / 'Before I came to America..' - the need and how to contribute to living environment [5]

Before I came to America, I had realized that my parents don't have enough money to pay my 4 year degree in United States. They can afford my 2 year degree. Due to my cousin provides me free food and place to live, my parents don't have to pay my living expenses. However, it seems that now I and my cousin cannot get along with each other. As a result, I have to rent an apartment in order to continue my education in America. This matter certainly will increase my parent's expenditure since they have to pay my food and apartment rent. If I cannot get a job on-campus and any scholarship, I will not be able to finish my four year degree. [...]

santoryuu

Dec 25, 2011

Writing Feedback / It's an essay on One minute of that football game. [3]

it's better not use abstract words such as 'nervous', but try to use simile or metaphor to describe the abstract condition with concrete words.

santoryuu

Dec 25, 2011

Undergraduate / [Common application] Dance and my life [3]

your description is good enough. If you want to make more specific, try not to use many absctract words (e.g. : nervous) but use more concrete words.

santoryuu

Dec 25, 2011

Scholarship / 'Before I came to America..' - the need and how to contribute to living environment [5]

THanks for your response, but the need based is determined by the financial need.

This is how the essay is judged:

1. Need based - Determined by the financial needs of the student. Explain to us why you need this scholarship.

2. Merit based - Determined by how a student has affected his/her community for the better. Explain how you have contributed to your community and why you deserve this scholarship.

santoryuu

Dec 27, 2011

Scholarship / Essay about the importance of completion post secondary program [2]

I have several essays with several topics which need helpful comments

1. why you believe that you should be awarded this scholarship?

Before I came to America, I only made two commitments with myself, earning a good grade and get a good job with it. I finished my first college semester with 3.8 GPA. However, I realize that satisfactory GPA itself cannot give me a good job. I have to possess a good character and outstanding communication skill, which I'm very lack of. In addition, I learnt from American people that we have to be independent. [..]