Posts by kikula

kikula

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App - Significant experience. "Lost in Translation" [4]

Hi, everyone! I have already been admitted to some average acceptance rate schools with this essay, but I'm looking to make it the best it can be so that I can apply to some top-tier schools!

I am very open to any amount of constructive criticism and advice, especially since I feel that the end of my essay is exceptionally weak.

The question is from the common app: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."

"I was in the car, clutching my Hello Kitty backpack to my chest and sobbing into its thick polyester fabric. My mother, in the driver's seat, stared intently at the road, furrowing her brow, wondering what part of my performance in my kindergarten's production of "The Little Red Hen" had gone wrong. "What wrong? Eat was supper. You wear supper. Eat was relay greet," she said in her thick Polish accent, trying her best to calm me down. After listening to the stilted yet heartfelt inquiry, I responded with a shriek followed by another intense bout of crying. The salty tears running down my hot, pink cheeks were not from regret or embarrassment, but rather from the stark realization that I was different. Although I had first noticed the disparity between myself and my classmates at school, I had never thought much of it - the fact that everyone had English nicknames like John and Ally and I went by Kasia (the Polish equivalent of Catie) had never really fazed me until that day.

After the play, my class was herded to a makeshift reception where all our parents were waiting for us. After spotting me among the sea of children, my mum eagerly approached me and greeted me in Polish, hugging me closely and kissing my cheeks. I basked in the affection until I noticed the stares from my classmates who not only didn't understand Polish, but also didn't understand what it was like having an affectionate parent - all they could hope for was a pat on the head and a peck on the cheek. After finally letting go, my mother, sporting high heels and a cropped hair cut, approached a gaggle of soccer moms clad in sneakers and sweater sets. As she introduced herself as Malgorzata, I noticed a slough of condescending stares beneath the dowdy bangs of my friends' mothers, their gazes quickly shifting between my mum and me. I immediately realized, as I clung to my mum's trouser leg, that neither I nor my mother were ever going to be like my friends or their parents.

Though I still feel the burning stares and hear the spiteful whispers of the inhabitants of our slowly gentrifying town as I chatter away to my mother in Polish, I have come to terms with my ethnicity and their closed-mindedness. In fact, the xenophobia in my community is the reason I am the person I am today. The malicious remarks, lingering glares, and the overwhelming and ubiquitous feelings of unwelcomeness have made me strong, independent, and, most of all, tolerant and open-minded. And although I regret ever being upset about my ethnicity, I am happy that I realized and embraced that I was, am, and always will be different."

kikula

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Quantum Theory' or 'My summer' - Vitality and Roomate Letter [6]

While studying at Stanford over the summer, I walked into a lecture on Quantum Theory that completely changed my idea of(to me, this sounds awkward/forced, try something like the way I think about... my perspective... etc...) the nature of our reality. Before(Previous to?) this lecture, I thought reality was stable and somewhat concrete, but this professor proved to me that our reality is far more strange and complex than I had imagined.

The lecture was on the Double Slit experiment --(that might be more of a matter of preference than an error) an infamous quantum experiment which showed how strangely particles act on the subatomic level. In the experiment, electrons were shot into two tiny slits. When a camera observed the electrons, they acted as particles, but when there was no camera equipment used to observe the electrons(present?) , they acted as waves and particles simultaneously. When an electron was not being observed, it could leave as a particle, but then split and become a wave of infinite potential. Each electron could go through both slits, enter one or the other, or neither.(You should probably put this somewhere else in your description because where it is now does not make much sense to me.)(These few sentences are awkwardly worded and arranged and need to be re-written for a better "flow". Try doing something with a linear flow like "The experiment was performed by doing this. This is what should happen, however this is what did happen. This is what happens again." ) This idea was mind-blowing: The simple act of observing an electron compelled it to act "irrationally". As we study smaller and smaller particles in order to understand what we are made of, we seem to find that phenomena we see doesn't make sense. We are only able to comprehend a tiny sliver of how the universe actually exists.(These sentences seem wordy and a little bit irrelevant. Try to stay simple and sum up your feelings about the experiment in only a few words.)

As soon as I left the lecture, my over-active imagination went to work. I pictured all the possible implications I could derive from the lecture. Could this happen on a larger scale? Does universe exist differently when no one is observing it? (You need a transition here: And as my mind began to wander... etc...,)My questions began to turn less scientific and more philosophical(This sounds awkward to me, but at the moment I can't think of anything better. Do what sounds right.): Do we create reality simply by observing it? If this is true, what is reality? After weeks(I might add "and weeks" here just to make the essay sound nicer) of delving into theories that arose from the experiment, I still struggled to answer any of my own questions. I guess(Try something else beside "I guess". Perhaps?) the lecturing professor was right in quoting the famous physicist Richard Feynman: "It is safe to say that nobody understands quantum mechanics."

Search "transitional phrases" on google (or bing or yahoo or ask or whatever). They will really help in fixing your flow. Try using them instead of "but" so much!

Your first essay has an interesting topic; however, this essay is more about physics than yourself. Try to put more "you" in the essay.

If you can do that and fix some of the errors and take some of my suggestions, I think it'll be an astronomical (that's me trying to be physics phunny) essay! :)

GOOD LUCK!

kikula

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App - Significant experience. "Lost in Translation" [4]

I actually didn't submit it via Common App, so I am in luck! :)

Ok, I'll work on the transition. My problem, however, is that it was a long process of learning to respect myself and my culture -- not anything specific. Any tips/ideas?

Thank you!

kikula

Dec 26, 2011

Book Reports / 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' - Columbia-a book that's meaningful to you [5]

I agree with what the posters above me said.

What I will add to what they have already stated, however, is that you should focus the essay more on yourself rather than the book (especially in the second paragraph as Andrew said). With theses types of essays, you should use the book as a medium to write about yourself, whereas, at the moment, it seems more like you're writing about the book and then, in the second paragraph, you're writing about the book and little bit about yourself. Try answering some of the questions you just posed, but write about yourself through the book (if you can "get" what I'm saying).

In addition to that, a large number of words are devoted to showing the paradoxical nature of human beings, as in "each of us has a heaven and a hell in him", and "each man kills the things he loves...the kindest using a knife", butif I were given the freedom to explore the wilderness of life I would definitely pack this book.

As for the way you wrote the essay, I would say very well. My only advice would be to look up "transitional phrases" on google and try using them to better your flow. To me, "In addition to that" sounds awkward, unfortunately. (I would also use "however" instead of "but", but that is a mere personal preference.) Try directly tying it to the last thing you said or find a more effortless transition. I also didn't really "get" that last bit I highlighted in green. Maybe think of something a little more relative to the content of your essay?