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Posts by goalgir4
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Last Post: Dec 31, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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goalgir4   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "One Unassuming Summer Day"- Pomona Supplement [6]

Prompt: Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you've had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

One unbearably hot day this past August, three friends and I just couldn't cool off. Hopes of spending the day milling around downtown were quickly dashed as the mid-day July heat hit and we found ourselves half-passed out on the couch in a friend's living room, perusing family photo albums and surfing funny videos on Youtube. But soon, as the temperature quickly passed 80 degrees and with no air conditioning in the house, all we could think of doing was having a water balloon fight. But no one had balloons.

Since none of us had neither the energy nor the money to go buy water balloons, we decided to take the economical route and use our teenage imaginations to come up with a fun way to douse each other with ice-cold water. After much deliberation and about 20 minutes of rummaging through my friend's house for non-porous, non-breakable containers, we emerged victorious. We agreed that the premise of our impromptu game would be to basically soak everyone before they soaked you. So, equipped with a hose and plenty of towels, we spent the bulk of the afternoon taking turns pouring water over each other's heads and running around the block laughing, undoubtedly to the annoyances of a few neighbors.

Before I knew it, a seemingly boring day spent eating $5 pizza and chugging off-brand coke had turned into a day reminiscent of simpler times spent playing four-square as gap-toothed 8 year olds on the playground. As much we try to deny, it is hard growing up sometimes. As we grow older, most of our actions become purpose-driven and as childhood pastimes become faded memories, I fight to keep some nonsense in my life.

When we finally grew tired of splashing water all over the place, we proceeded to continue our silly escapades and played follow the leader. We each took turns of course, but with every new leader, seemed to come more embarrassing and ridiculous moves (I thoroughly enjoyed making them shimmy down the street) and not all surprisingly, louder laughs.

As the sun finally started to hide behind the mountains, the four of us stretched out to gossip and dry out on the grassy front lawn, exhausted from our unexpected adventure. Although we were still damp from the make-shift water balloon fight (sans the balloons), none of us seemed to notice as we chatted the rest of the afternoon about what we expected our final year of high school to be like and what other things we wanted to do before the end of summer. So, all in all, I spent the best day of my summer acting like a kid.

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
:)
goalgir4   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

I dont understand the one plus one metaphor. you should explain or make that more clear.
talk about your experience when you approached the coach. maybe add some dialogue to break up the wordyness off the essay.
did you move to America? that's what it sounds like in your essay, but you never explain your transition to whatever new place you are in now, just about what you experienced in zimbabwe.

overall i think you need to fill some holes in the essay. look it over again, maybe read it to someone to see if the story makes sense because sometimes i was confused reading it but....

i really like your ideas/story and i think itll be a good essay when finished.
goalgir4   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Big zhou, my chemistry teacher [11]

I agree with basically everyone else but what I think is you should definitely add more about yourself. I came away knowing more about your teacher than I know about you and although i love the idea of her being the center of your essay, it still needs to be about you, your development as a person, even if it was caused by another person. Maybe make it a little longer?
goalgir4   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Dear Admissions Staff, I don't give a Shih Tzu' [19]

i like the idea but leave the part about how your friends, family... see you out cuz it should just be from the dog's perspective. and saying you pride yourself on them is kinda too much imo. but otherwise, creative idea!
goalgir4   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT [19]

brutal sounds weird compared to the other words in the essay. choose a less harsh word.
when reading it, it sounds like movies are an escape to you, not necessarily a "cleanser". and "purity" makes it sound almost holy or reverential. is that accurate?
goalgir4   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Big zhou, my chemistry teacher [11]

@Karissa_a16,
dont assume that the reader will infer so many things. remember, details make an essay and because you dont know who will be reading the essay, make everything as clear as possible. most of the details you used in your essay were decsribing your teacher, not you. imo, for every timeyou mentioned Big Zhou, you need to include at least that much info about yourself and what she taught you. For example, the last paragraph does that nicely, even if it is the ending. and to help with word count, i think you could make the intro paragraph a LOT shorter and add something about yourself and your views before you met your teacher, to show contrast.
goalgir4   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

Hate to be redundant, but yes, too much about your principal. If you are concerned about word count and need to edit to make it more about you, i think you should take out the entire first paragraph.
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