Prompt: Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you've had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.
One unbearably hot day this past August, three friends and I just couldn't cool off. Hopes of spending the day milling around downtown were quickly dashed as the mid-day July heat hit and we found ourselves half-passed out on the couch in a friend's living room, perusing family photo albums and surfing funny videos on Youtube. But soon, as the temperature quickly passed 80 degrees and with no air conditioning in the house, all we could think of doing was having a water balloon fight. But no one had balloons.
Since none of us had neither the energy nor the money to go buy water balloons, we decided to take the economical route and use our teenage imaginations to come up with a fun way to douse each other with ice-cold water. After much deliberation and about 20 minutes of rummaging through my friend's house for non-porous, non-breakable containers, we emerged victorious. We agreed that the premise of our impromptu game would be to basically soak everyone before they soaked you. So, equipped with a hose and plenty of towels, we spent the bulk of the afternoon taking turns pouring water over each other's heads and running around the block laughing, undoubtedly to the annoyances of a few neighbors.
Before I knew it, a seemingly boring day spent eating $5 pizza and chugging off-brand coke had turned into a day reminiscent of simpler times spent playing four-square as gap-toothed 8 year olds on the playground. As much we try to deny, it is hard growing up sometimes. As we grow older, most of our actions become purpose-driven and as childhood pastimes become faded memories, I fight to keep some nonsense in my life.
When we finally grew tired of splashing water all over the place, we proceeded to continue our silly escapades and played follow the leader. We each took turns of course, but with every new leader, seemed to come more embarrassing and ridiculous moves (I thoroughly enjoyed making them shimmy down the street) and not all surprisingly, louder laughs.
As the sun finally started to hide behind the mountains, the four of us stretched out to gossip and dry out on the grassy front lawn, exhausted from our unexpected adventure. Although we were still damp from the make-shift water balloon fight (sans the balloons), none of us seemed to notice as we chatted the rest of the afternoon about what we expected our final year of high school to be like and what other things we wanted to do before the end of summer. So, all in all, I spent the best day of my summer acting like a kid.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
:)
I like that you picked a rather normal occurrence and made it sound fun and interesting. You should take out the sans water balloons part because it is redundant. From this essay, I get that you are a kid at heart who doesn't always take things so seriously. Hopefully that's what you wanted to get across. Please read mine (chemistry teacher one) if you have the chance. Thanks!
I have to say that this is EXPERTLY written. I'd almost tell you not to change a thing!
I do think, however, that the bit you have in the middle? Is a PERFECT conclusion to this essay. It seems a bit weird to have in the middle and then to continue on with the anecdote. I say re-work the bit that you have at the end there to be a bit more open-ended, or maybe get rid of the last paragraph all together, and then move your middle paragraph to be at the very end.
Also: "As we grow older, most of our actions become purpose-driven and as childhood pastimes become faded memories, I fight to keep some nonsense in my life. "
That doesn't make much sense. Try "As we grow older, most of our actions become purpose-driven. But as childhood pastimes become faded memories, I fight to keep some nonsense in my life."
Or something similar. The grammar in the sentence is a tad wonky.
Hi! I think your essay is beautifully written!
I agree with Joyfulldreams: the "Before I knew it.." part sounds like a conclusion. However, I want you to keep the last paragraph, though. And I think the last paragraph could be made a bit stronger, too--probably, by incorporating the "before i knew it" part into the last paragraph you have rite now. That's what I think. But anyway, the essay is very beautifully written : )
Good luck!
This...this is so good. You don't use any overly pedantic words and still manage to come across in a really clear, mature way. Ironic, isn't it?
The one thing I would do is switch up the third and fourth paragraphs. That should enhance the flow of the narrative nicely. Other than that, I can't find anything to critique. Good luck with your apps!
And i think im going to take out the sentence, "As much we try to deny, it is hard growing up sometimes."
