Posts by Vinny

Vinny_Pooh

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Boston University - Supplemental Short Essay - Transfer Student [7]

Hey guys,

I'm new here and I would really appreciate some feedback on this short essay. Thanks for your time.

Prompt:
In a few sentences, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission?

My Essay Response:
Immigrating as a child to New York from Ukraine was a scary experience for me, but my fear was quickly overcome because I was surrounded by a Ukrainian community. By being surrounded by a Ukrainian community I was able to accept my new city as my own. Now that I am ready to leave New York behind it is my belief that Boston University is the best fit for me not only because it will offer me the intellectual stimuli I so desperately grave but also because Boston has a huge Ukrainian population which will allow me to feel more at home and accept a new city as my own.

750 Characters Available
181 Characters Available After Essay.

What do you guys think? Is it strong or should I work on it some more? Thanks for your help.

Vinny_Pooh

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Boston University - Supplemental Short Essay - Transfer Student [7]

Hey,

I wrote that I want to move to Boston to feel more at home. I know that there are a lot of Ukrainian students at Boston University. Should I instead write about this idea?

Vinny_Pooh

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Boston University - Supplemental Short Essay - Transfer Student [7]

Old idea scratched.

New Essay:
It is my belief that Boston University will provide me with the resources necessary in order to continue my aspiration of becoming a physician. I respect the fact that Boston University allows students the flexibility to choose their own undergraduate routes in obtaining majors. I enjoy being advised in many aspects of my life and the fact that Boston University provides pre-med advisors makes me more excited, because I know I will be provided with help and assistance.

What do you guys think? Thanks.

Vinny_Pooh

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Boston University - Supplemental Short Essay - Transfer Student [7]

Can anybody give me any criticisms on the new essay?

Vinny_Pooh

Jan 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My parent first got me interested in math' - Honors College Essay #2 [2]

Try wording some of these sentences differently such as:
I know why I enjoy it
instead try something like:... absolute, elegant, and most importantly I understand why I enjoy it.

My parent first got me interested in math when I was a child.
Instead try something like: My father first go me interested in math when I was a child.

I was amazed by the fact that my dad could do complex math in his head.
Instead try something like: I was amazed by the fact that my dad could do such intricate and complex formulations in his mind.

With proofs, derivatives, and theories all leading to one right answer.
Perhaps eliminate this sentence?

As a child I was fascinated by this because I only new how to do math
only *knew*

eight year old who rather be outside
who *would* rather be

This is because even though I am greatly challenged by it,
Try something like: Even though i am greatly challenged by the study of mathematics...

Even though at first I despised learning to count and multiply,
try something like: Despite the fact that I despised learning

You did not answer the question regarding your intended career. If you are undecided, mention so.

Vinny_Pooh

Jan 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Soccer - a huge part of my life' - common app essay [3]

broken nose or even a broken bone; It is the love of the game that keeps me going.
perhaps insert comma after the "bone"

Soccer has since become a huge part of me; I could never imagine my life without it.
Perhaps try to elaborate why you can't live without it?

To improve my skills and also develop me mentally and physically since I hope to engage in it professionally one day
Perhaps try: I strive to improve my skills both mentally and physically since I hope to engage soccer in a professional setting and as result of my ambition, I took the bold step...

Soccer has thought me neve
Soccer has *taught* me... to never give up.

Even if I do not succeed when I try an activity once, I work harder at it and give it a try again and again till I do.

Perhaps try: I work my hardest until my goal is finally achieved.

other than that, pretty good stuff.

Vinny_Pooh

Jan 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My ambition was evident' - Commonapp Transfer Essay [2]

Hey guys. Can you critique my essay? Am is answering the prompt correctly? Grammatical errors? Is it good? thanks for your time.

Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
The University Experience

During high school I was enormously ambitious. I took the hardest courses offered and always saved time for my extracurriculars such as playing my instruments. My ambition was evident in my application process. I applied to the best universities in the world with the blind hope that I could be accepted to one of them. My ambition got the better of me. I was ignorant enough to place only one safe school in my application simply because I thought that the laws of probability were in my favor. I was wrong. Most animals on our planet are defined as being direct , determined, and systematic by nature, and as soon as I was accepted into my safe school, ___ College, an animal was released from within me.

Before entering a university, I had this vision of it. My vision was formulated by three simple concepts which I believe every university should strive to implement. A sense of Community in which everybody has a voice, but most importantly a voice which is heard. Intellectual perseverance such that every student is challenged intellectually not for the bad but for the good. And most importantly becoming free, such that a student leaves their family behind and starts a new chapter in her/his life. My vision is obviously a romantic ideal but that does mean I am unable to achieve it. However improbable something may be, there is always a possibility.

Commuting to my school and subsequently entering it I was always feel as if I don't belong to my school, as if my vision is barricading me away from my school. I want my voice to be heard, but it is not because I do not sense community which I so desperately want. I often want my intellect to be challenged, but it is not because I attend a public institution where I am surrounded by students and instructors who act and teach in the same way I remember was in high school. But most of the time, I often want to be free, but I am not because I still continue to live with my family in the same city I lived in for over ten years. It is evident to me that I am not currently living my university experience which I had envisioned before entering college and I fear I will be unable to strive for the best until my vision is fulfilled.

Despite not having my vision fulfilled, I am aware I am more wise thanks to the institution I currently attend. I cannot hide the fact that my current school is filled with students and professors alike who are determined and try to strive for the best. I finally taken for the first time in my life a philosophy course which further bolstered my love of philosophy. I have taken pre-calculus which finally made me realize that math can be as exciting as art all thanks to a terrific math professor who made me realize this.

My vision of a university is something of an ideal which by some definitions is ambitious. Again my ambition is trying to get the better of me, trying desperately to make be go blind and rely on shear hope, but I am lucky for one thing, I now more wise and I believe my new found wisdom will enable me see my vision fulfilled.

Word count 567.

Vinny_Pooh

Feb 4, 2012

Undergraduate / 'my passion for the psychological studies' - SOP for UT undergrad Transfer [3]

I couldn't bring myself to accept that there are kids out there who simply
possibly Re-word to: I couldn't accept the fact that there existed kids who...

I disliked him for the longest
Possibly reword to: I disliked my family member

As for the content of the essay, both circumstances add to the value of the actual short essay but I would advise you to somehow combine the content of the two paragraphs. I see both paragraphs led you to a greater appreciation for the science of psychology, but you could make the second paragraph sound better by saying something like " Like being with my autistic family member, I was perplexed by the fact that my friend demonstrated psychological oddities which I did not understand but wanted to learn more about" These types of sentences combine both paragraphs for a more 'smooth' essay as opposed to talking about your family member, and then jumping into a different topic about your friend.

Good luck!

Vinny_Pooh

Feb 4, 2012

Undergraduate / 'the best knowledge and experience' Uni of Toronto: Application Essay for Engineering [7]

Since you're having trouble with the conclusion I'll focus on that.

I need to be offered the best knowledge and experience

Need is a very blunt and direct word.

Possibly re-word to: In order to achieve my childhood goal, I believe that the best knowledge and opportunity for new experiences can enable me to fully peruse my engineering aspirations.

In order for the entire conclusion to stand out, as well the conclusion you have to talk about something unique in the University of Toronto. By simply saying that it has a big diversity is good but not great because many universities have large diversities as well as exceptional professors. Try to add an engineering aspect of the University of Toronto which is not exclusively unique to the university of Toronto but unique in a small number of universities including Toronto.

try to be specific in clubs at the university of Toronto.

I say that you conclusion is incomplete and has the opportunity to become great.

Good Luck!

Vinny_Pooh

Feb 4, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Riding a New York City train' - Tufts University Transfer, Short Answer [2]

What do you guys think?

For the second short response, we asked you to consider the world around you. Now, consider the world within. Taste in music, food, and clothing can make a statement while politics, sports, religion, and ethnicity are often defining attributes. Are you a vegetarian? A poet? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes, Mac or PC? Are you the drummer in an all-girl rock band? Do you tinker? Use the richness of your identity to frame your personal outlook. (200-250 words)

Riding a New York City train a passenger can, and will, casually look around until said passenger randomly glances at me. The passenger will notice that I have a calm yet perplexed facial expression throughout the entire train ride, and if the passenger listens quite attentively the passenger will hear me listening to Chopin's Prelude in E-minor. If the passenger is very attentive the passenger will realize that I am a romantic. I idealize every single detail of life and at the same time try to critically analyze every single detail of life, which to some may seem like a waste of brain power, but to me it is very significant aspect to my well being. My day to day life is never without deep thinking about the mysteries of the world and the magnificence of these mysteries. Basically speaking everything has significance to me.

Of course to be a romantic, one cannot simply think like a romantic, one must act like one as well. I have been carrying a attaché to school ever since the tenth grade and I never decided to carry it to be 'cool' but rather I decided to carry it because it made me feel more in touch with the past, which to me is a romantic ideal. As mentioned earlier I listen to mostly classical music because I idealize it for the fact that it continues to be powerful art well into the twenty first century thus demonstrating its longevity, also a romantic ideal. Despite being a romantic many people will not understand the reasons for my viewpoints but it is my hope that people will be more understanding as we progress into the future.