Undergraduate / 'Architecture builds a community' - Why I'm interested in this major essay [6]

I agree I was a bit confused in the beginning. Overall I think it's really good though. It's a creative and unique take on the prompt and I like how you didn't just list the reasons you want to study architecture.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay ~ Marchin' On [4]

I really like the idea of your essay and how this one song has become your sort of anthem. I like how you showed that you could remain positive throughout your family problems.

"During one of my many nights on the Internet, I stumbled across the song Marchin' On and I immediately took a liking to it. However, it was not significant at that point and I exited my browser."

This should probably be earlier in the essay

Undergraduate / 'military families and a private school' - Rice [5]

Thanks for your input. This is a revised version: I'm still not sure how I'm going to tie in the perspective part.

Growing up in a community of military families and attending private school gave me unrealistic expectations of the world. First, I grew up thinking that adults were trustworthy and good people who would invite you in for snacks and let you make a mess in their house. I thought neighbors were people you could ask for a cup of sugar or an egg if you need it. I once fell off my bike and ended up with a huge gash down the front of my leg. My next door neighbor was the one who took me inside and bandaged me up.

My family had so much trust in the people around us; we never locked our front door or car doors, and left bikes and toys all over the place. I never questioned this because everyone in my neighborhood did it. My elementary school was full of military brats who were brought up with good manners by strict parents.

When I got to middle school, a large public school outside my military bubble, I expected the kids there to be similar to the ones I grew up with. This was a naïve outlook because I ended up having both my digital camera and iPod taken. I hadn't thought twice about bringing them to school because I never dreamed someone would take them. Flash forward to my private high school where everyone is required to have a laptop. I had learned from my mistake in middle school so I was shocked to see that people left computers, cell phones, and mp3 players all over the place. The kids at my school had faith in their peers, which is good, but also dangerous. I became lackadaisical over time about my belongings, leaving my computer and iPod on the library tables unattended. I realize that in college this might not be the best idea. Now, I'm not saying that college kids are not trustworthy, simply that in a larger community it may be harder

My military upbringing instilled certain characteristics in me that I will value my whole life. I learned the value of trusting others and being honest with them. My father still has close ties to men he went through training with over twenty years ago. He is still close to the man he had to eject from a fighter plane with. There something extremely special about the bond forged between soldiers in war together. My father taught me the value of honor and loyalty, not only to myself and family, but to my country. When the National Anthem is played my dad is quick to remove his hat and stand ram rod straight as he faces the flag. While I learned the value of working with and trusting others, I also learned to be independent and think for myself. My dad always told me that if you don't speak your mind nothing will change, so I learned from an early age that I should speak my mind and be honest with everyone that I encounter. Since I grew up in a single-parent household, I learned to do things myself, whether it was cooking myself food or finishing difficult homework. This is not to say I do not work well with other. I grew up with two older siblings who taught me the importance of standing up for myself.

Undergraduate / 'the family physician' - Favorite class essay [6]

"Our teacher, Ms. Key, made "

"I went on to ridding the muscles to find the tendon. " This sentence could be reworded.

Since I was wearing blurry goggles the whole time

mistakenly shouted, "Ben, are you eating it?"

I like your topic but you could rework it a little to make it flow better.