'the family physician' - Favorite class essay

Prompt What's favorite class and why?

Three in the afternoon, my sister called me and asked whether I could go to the family physician with her after school.
"Are you feeling better?" I asked.
"Kind of, but I have been coughing since this morning."
"I learned from my Anatomy teacher that coughing means you are getting better from the cold. It is the body's way of getting toxins and waste from your lungs. So let's wait till tomorrow. Don't forget to drink lots of fluid!"

"Ok. I have a lot of homework anyway."

The next day, my sister told me that she stopped coughing and her other symptoms are gone and I was glad that I could apply what I learned to help her.

Because my Anatomy and Physiology class involves a copious amount of memorization and note taking, our teacher, Ms. Key tried to make the class intriguing by sharing her past experience as a nurse. Often, she linked her stories to the content she was teaching to make the materials more memorable for us.

Every month, Ms. Key would have us sit in a circle. Then, she would give the symptoms of a number of patient and ask us to diagnose his or her disease. During such occasions, I would always feel like a medical doctor, and also be again reminded of the practical value of the knowledge I learned in the class.

Tear it apart if you want!!!

At three in the afternoon, my sister called me and asked whether I could go to the family physician with her after school.

The next day, my sister told me that she had stopped coughing and her other symptoms are gone, and I was glad that I could apply what I'd learned to help her.

Often, she linked her stories to the content she was teaching, to make the materials more memorable for us.

Every month, Ms. Key would have us sit in a circle. Then, she would give the symptoms of a number of patient and ask us to diagnose his or her disease.

This sounds like a fun class! Good luck with school!

:)

The last phrase of the beginning conversation makes the conversation sound fake but it makes it kinda catchy! :D

I think the essay is pretty fun to read :P

Alright, the only problem I see is that you don't really talk about why it's your favorite class. You talk more about the teacher herself and what happens during class. Like your 3rd paragraph (assuming your intro and that one sentence after that is a paragraph) only talks about the class itself.

Your conclusion is really lacking. I think you should make your conclusion a lot stronger. Also your topic sentence for your conclusion is really weak. It's just more description.

So overall, I think you should cut down on the description and elaborate more upon why it's your favorite class!

I don't see any grammar errors so that's good. (well I did the same thing as you did for the conversation at the beginning and I don't know the grammar rules behind those like conversation talk things).

Good Luck! =)

I like your class choice, but I think, especially because you chose this class, you can make the essay stronger by providing really strong descriptions of the dissections, etc. A majority of your essay is dialogue. I would shorten that section and get more into the end. Also, I kept asking myself "So what?" What does this say about you and what you can give to the school.

It's a good start, but it needs a bit of work.
Good luck!

I would agree, this essay could use much work. You need to either pick a more representative story for the entire class and elaborate on it much more deeply or elaborate on this one if you believe it represents the class. I also think you're taking up too much room with your introduction with your sister being sick. Shorten it or give it more meaning.

Could you take a look at my Stanford Roommate letter?

"Our teacher, Ms. Key, made "

"I went on to ridding the muscles to find the tendon. " This sentence could be reworded.

Since I was wearing blurry goggles the whole time

mistakenly shouted, "Ben, are you eating it?"

I like your topic but you could rework it a little to make it flow better.