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Posts by banjofood
Joined: Jan 3, 2012
Last Post: Jan 4, 2012
Threads: 2
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banjofood   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'celebrate another year on this planet ' - (Creative prank) Caltech supplement [3]

I need some feedback please on my supplemental short answer for Caltech. Any kind of help will be much appreciated. Thank You!

Caltech students have long been known for their quirky sense of humor and creative pranks. Please describe an unusual way in which you have fun.

The 23rd of June is steadily approaching and as I am excited to celebrate another year on this planet I am also a bit anxious. Not because of the added responsibilities that come attached to being a year older, but because of a pact, honored by a few close friends of mine, that we share on everyone's birthday.

Every time one of us becomes a year older, the other members of the group must egg the birthday boy/girl. The exciting part of it is that as we know that we are going to be drenched in the contents of an egg, we do not know when or where it will happen. As most people would fear a disgusting outcome, my friends and I take great pride in making sure that special person remembers and enjoys every second of it.

The origin of this ridiculous idea is unknown. One might say that something like this was inevitable because of the creative minds of intelligent high school students compiled with the constant desire to seek out enjoyment. Even though we irritate parents and school security officers, one must praise the amount of effort put into each egging.
banjofood   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Choosing our friends' -Caltech Short answer (Ethical Dilemma) [2]

I need help shortening it by about 50 words. If I get rid of the last 2 sentences it fits fine, but I feel like it is important to include.

We put too small a price in choosing who our friends are. We spend most of our time with our friends, especially when we are young, and who they are makes a vital impact on who we are. In my case, I am not really sure how I became friends with most of the people I know, but for the most part I am proud of the people I let be close to me. However, there was this one occasion where I had to choose between being the good guy by ratting out one friend on another or simply ignoring my ethical standpoints and letting something bad happen to a good person.

The trouble was with two friends of mine who did not like each other, let's call them Mr. Good and Mr. Bad. It all started when Mr. Bad told me he was going to get some friends of his to beat up Mr. Good. I did not know what to say or do, since nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I could take the easy way out by acting as if I never knew anything about it or I could do the right thing and risk getting myself beat up for telling on Mr. Bad. Although the choice was obvious, it was difficult for me because I was trading one friendship for another. They were both excellent friends to me and I did not want to get involved, but as time pressed on I knew what I had to do. I marched up to Mr. Good told him what I knew. From then on Mr. Bad and I never spoke again and Mr. Good and I are still friends to this day. When I look back to that day I never regret the decision I made and I will always do what is right even if it means putting myself in danger.
banjofood   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'He was mobilized' - UNC ESSAY international [4]

Change stuff like "After that discovery, I made a decision to learn more about my family. " to "After that discovery, I decided to learn more about my family."

And try and combine some of your sentences. It seems like you're just listing a bunch of stuff about the story.
For example, change "This story is my latest discovery. It is the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle. It helped me to understand the value of freedom and peaceful time. When I discovered it not a long time, I felt ashamed that I never heard of it before." to "When I discovered the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle, it helped me understand the value of freedom and a peaceful time and I feel ashamed that I had never heard it before. "

Just change stuff like that.
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