Graduate / ("If we were to admit one more student..) - how to start ISB Application essay? [3]

Hi eradulova,
thanks for your points. i have written an essay. i would really be grateful if you could point out my mistakes and tell me if i need to write anything more.

"Chaos breeds life, when order breeds habit". This statement from Henry Adams truly resonates with my philosophy of life. My entire focus has been to develop a versatile personality not solely dependent on academic knowledge. For the same reason, I have always held some position of responsibility like monitor, captain of cricket team, etc. all through my schooling days and participated in diverse extra-curricular activities.

While in college, I organized a blood donation camp in the village of Mekliganj. We were under sustained pressure to motivate people to come and donate blood; as such an event had never taken place in the area. At such times, I motivated and led my small volunteer team. My passion for the event and my team spirit, didn't allow me to deter from what I actually wanted to achieve from the event and in the end, we collected an overwhelming 1000 pints of blood.

Right from participating in drama competitions, to learning French, to launching into the nascent but hugely potential field of windows phone Software Development which requires a lot of learning, I have always sought and relished the tiniest opportunity to learn and upgrade myself with something new. This has allowed me to develop traits like learning by doing, time management, resilience, resourcefulness, and initiative - qualities that are essential for effective execution in a complex imperfect world.

I would definitely bring something distinct to the halls of ISB. With my radical thinking and with the respect that I carry for diverse opinions, I would be an asset to the next class of ISB.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - 'earning money became one of the main goals' [2]

You can improve upon your use of grammar and the statements you have written.
for example, consider the first line:

Is it better to enjoy you money when you earn it or is it better to save your money for some time in the future? Use specific reasons and examples to support you answer.

Now days earning money became one of the main goals in our live. It is like we live just to earn more and more money.

Firstly, we spend and enjoy an outcome we get. There is a need to buy a thing, like a food, cloths, shoes, etc. We spend money also for fun, going out is always involve with spending. Other is shopping, mostly for women.

it can easily be substituted by:

Now a days, earning money has became a priority in our lives. It is all we live for. We spend to enjoy at every opportunity we get. Apart from the necessities of life such as food, cloths, etc. a lot of it is spent in shopping for stuff like shoes, make-up, etc specially for women, who love to shop.