Posts by sean

sean_neuman

Jun 8, 2012

Letters / My motivtion letter in transport economics [4]

Hi!

In second paragraph, I would suggest that you mention the specific area that you grew up in. I think it would help the reader feel more connected to you on a personal level.

In the third paragraph, where you say "During the years that followed, I pursued a four years degree in..." I would change "years" to "year", as I'm pretty sure that usage is more conventional.

In the third paragraph, you mentioned how you "obtained modern theoretical knowledge and practical experience in maritime, transport and logistics." It seems confusing on whether you're saying you obtained those things from your schoolwork, or from something you did after your schooling. I would try to clarify that. Also I think this information you included is very good to include, but I think you should provide background on exactly what means allowed you to obtain that knowledge and practical experience you mention. For example if you had a job, did research, did a project, spent time observing maritime transport and logistics in person: I would make sure to mention those things with enough detail to give them a general idea about it, but not too much so that it seems overwhelming. I think this would strengthen your persuasion a lot.

In the third paragraph, you say "I believe that I am able to approach and solve basic transport and maritime problems." I think it is good to provide background on your experience and expertise, but I think it's important to put it in context of what is motivating you to attend their graduate program. So you might include after your statement, that you now have a passion to gain more advanced knowledge in solving transport and maritime problems.

In the Fourth Paragraph, you said "This was the reason for me to follow master studies in Business Administration to further enhance my knowledge in management." This sentence doesnt seem to link smoothly and clearly with the first sentence where you talked about globalization. I can see what you're trying to say though. I might choose to reword it as something similar to. " I undertook master studies in Business Administration in order to enhance my knowledge base in management. By doing this, I hoped to be more properly equipped to engage with the ever-growing trade world today."

The fifth and sixth paragraphs that start with "My restless nature.." and "My choice of .." are excellent. Great job with providing information about why you are specifically interested in their university. I think these paragraphs will be appealing.

The seventh paragraph does not seem as strong as the fifth and sixth paragraphs. It seems generic. You talked about their excellent course schedule. Maybe talk more about what specific course(s) you are interested in, and why. You also talked about how they will give you experience on not only a theoretical level, but a practical level. Maybe talk about what specific area(s) of practical teaching that they offer that you are most interested in, and why. I put (s) in front of course and area because I'm not sure if they would actually like it if you went too much in depth. My prediction though is that they would prefer you to be more concise and mention only one or a few courses and areas you are interested in.

In the ninth paragraph I think you should something similar to "attending," in front of "the University of Amsterdam..."

I would delete the last statement where you say you look forward to their positive response. I think this sounds too confident and cocky, so it makes you seem disrespectful towards them.

Overall, I think it's a pretty strong essay. I hope my advice is helpful!

sean_neuman

Jun 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / essay about technology and traditional skills and life ways--feedback [2]

Hi!

In the first paragraph, I would suggest that you give a basic and general overview stating the specific reasons about why you "partially" agree with the statement. I would leave out the statement where you say that you will discuss it in the following paragraphs, this should be obvious to the reader, so mentioning it is not needed, and it detracts from your overall professionalism.

I would suggest that you don't start out your second and third paragraphs with "firstly," and "secondly." These transitions don't seem necessary as they don't help much to organize and make the ideas flow as transitions should. I would leave out firstly, and then put something similar to "In addition," in front of the second paragraph

In the second paragraph, I think you do a good job of stating your point of increased efficiency and productivity, and then providing an example with a detailed explanation. I think you should try to conclude the paragraph by relating what you have already said back to the topic. So maybe talk about how the population of modern society is growing quickly, so then technology needs to grow in order to meet the production needs, as that growing population needs to eat in order to survive. It might seem like it should be obvious to the reader, or another way of saying it is, is might seem like that they should be able infer that link to the main topic by themselves. However it is my opinion that it is a lot more appealing if you make it clear to the reader yourself.

Also in the second paragraph, I think you should state it clearly that you're comparing how technology has improved agriculture and manufacturing versus how agriculture and manufacturing have been done using traditional skills in the past. Like in the first sentence, "Firstly, technology increases efficiency and productivity in industry and agriculture," maybe add at the end, "as compared to the traditional skills used in industry and agriculture in the past."

The third paragraph needs more explanation on it's ideas, with regards to giving the reader what they need to know in order to relate back to the topic.Like the second paragraph, make sure you clearly make those connections back the main topic yourself. and make it clear that you're comparing the new ways to the old ways. For example, you could talk about how humans used to have to do specific jobs like screwing in the tires, or painting the car, which put them in more danger by breathing in paint fumes or having the car fall on top of them. And then you can mention the invention of specific technologies which have enabled them to bypass these dangers, like totally mechanically controlled power-screwdrivers and paint sprayers, and then you could explain that those inventions allow humans to be away from the dangers of fumes and falling cars.

I would separate the fourth paragraph into two different paragraphs, into one about detailed work and one about culture. Then, similarly to what I've mentioned before, you should make sure that you explain everything that the reader needs to know in order to relate back to the topic, clearly link those explanations yourself without assuming that the reader will be able to do it, and make it clear that you're comparing the new ways and the old ways. I won't give you specific examples this time, but leave you to make an attempt at it yourself.

Overall, I think you made some good points. I hope my advice helps!

sean_neuman

Jun 8, 2012

Graduate / General Statement of Purpose Essay for Physical Therapy School Application [2]

Hi! I'm applying to Physical Therapy school and I would really appreciate any advice that anyone would like to give on my statement of purpose essay! I can try to give you feedback on your own essays if you want that as well! Just lemme know!

TOPIC: Which personal characteristics and motivating factors have led you to pursue the profession of physical therapy?

After three years of undergraduate studies at Baylor University, and seeking to obtain a bachelors degree in Biology after my fourth year of study, I wish to undertake graduate studies in Physical Therapy.

I entered into my undergraduate schooling knowing that I wanted to eventually enter into the healthcare field for my profession. In confession, I made the choice to settle on physical therapy without fully knowing what the work entailed, simply because it seemed more appealing than being a medical doctor or pharmacist on a surface level. However, after shadowing at physical therapy clinics, and seeing what the actual experience of working as a PT was, I definitely knew that physical therapy was the work I would be excited and passionate for. During my shadowing experience, at least one person in the clinics asked me if I was "bored," by simply just observing the PTs. I was able to earnestly answer them back "no," I was not bored. Instead, even after spending hundreds of hours in the clinics, I was thoroughly enjoying my experience each time I was there.

One of the PTs I shadowed was named Kelly. One day a Spanish speaking patient came seeking physical therapy. The patient's translator relayed to Kelly, the patient's explanation about her various symptoms that were occurring throughout her body. Kelly then explained the different symptoms that she was hearing from the translator, did not seem to link together properly, in order for Kelly to be able to generate a proper diagnosis. She then asked the patient and translator if they could make another attempt to explain the symptoms again. After they made a second attempt, Kelly was able determine that their explanation was correct this time, and she was able to make the proper diagnosis. I thought it was incredibly fascinating how Kelly was able to evaluate how all the different parts of the explanation fit together as a whole, with such an accurate degree of expertise, and then to use her evaluation on a practical level through the process of formulating the proper diagnosis. I also thought it was fascinating how Kelly was able to generate an exercise from her own thought process for the use of treating a patient with a shoulder replacement, after they complained about pain and/or difficulty with reaching forward. I have a strong desire to be like another "Kelly".

Looking back, I wish I could have been a Health Science major as an undergraduate, instead of a Biology major. With PT related undergraduate courses that Baylor offers such as Kinesiology, Biomechanics, Therapeutic Exercise, Therapeutic Modalities, and Exercise Physiology, I would have loved the chance to build a strong base of these core disciplines to take with me even before entering PT graduate school. However, I know that this passion that I have for PT will help me a lot to get the most of what I can out of a PT graduate school education. The fact that I am seeking to take a Biomechanics course next semester, even though it is not required to earn my degree, nor is it a prerequisite for any PT graduate school application, I believe reflects the breadth of the degree of passion and interest I have in being a well-trained PT and in the field of Physical Therapy in general.

My active involvement through my entire undergraduate career, in a student organization called UNITE InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, reflects the passion I have for my Christian faith. As a part of my faith, I specifically desire to share the love of God. I desire accomplish this through treating my patients with a spirit of love and a heart that sincerely seeks the improvement of their health, rather than one focused primarily on obtaining money. I hope that by being admitted into PT graduate school, I can be one step closer towards exercising my goal.

sean_neuman

Jun 11, 2012

Letters / My motivtion letter in transport economics [4]

Great job with applying the advice I gave you! I think it you did it well, and it made your essay stronger. I'm glad you found my advice helpful =)

I would change some words of the second sentence to " I was exposed to the...", and "and I found this theoretical..." I think these will make more logical sense.

The main points of the second paragraph seem to be that you received theoretical knowledge from University of XXX, that you were excited to apply the theoretical knowledge as intern, but now your excitement and passion are driving you to want to learn more.

I would delete the sentence where you talk about what courses were your favorites. It doesn't seem like it adds much to the main points.

I would also change the sentence "I believe that I was able to tackle basic transport and maritime problems," to "I enjoyed the opportunity to be able to tackle transport and maritime problems," because I think it makes more sense when you're thinking about the logical progression of the main points. Putting "I believe" makes it seem like you're trying to prove to them that you deserve to be placed into their program, based on the fact that you were able to solve problems. It should rather be, that you're focusing on your motivation to be put into their program. Putting "I enjoyed the opportunity," sounds more like you're supporting the fact that you have a passion for the subject, and then later on you'll make a link to the fact that you're passion is now motivating you to want to learn more.

I think the sentences where you say" The problems in this field have a concrete basis, originating from practical problems in Transportation Science. This adds to their appeal," do not clearly add to the main points. If you think this following statement is true, then maybe you can reword it as, "The problems in this field do not originate from only theoretical nature, but from a practical nature as well. My passions for critical thinking and problem solving have sparked my interest in gaining more advanced knowledge In solving transport and maritime problems, especially those which require more expertise deriving from a more practical knowledge base rather than one that is primarily theoretically based. I believe I can gain this advanced knowledge from attending your program." I believe this would support your main points better.

In the third paragraph, change "I earn," to "I earned."

In fourth paragraph that starts with "My restless nature...," I would not say that your dream can "only" be obtained from attending their university. I think this seems like you're putting too much pressure on them to accept you, like you're almost begging them to put you in their program in a way. I would take out "But," and "only."

(I firmly believe that this programme is fully suited to my goals . In addition, the opportunity of an intership combined with my thesis will endow me with the desirable knowledge, skills and practice to pursue my dream. I think that by having an Msc in Transport and Environmental Economics from this University would really be an added advantage. So for me Msc is a ladder to be at a position where I can display my vision and contribute at the level of my satisfaction. )

I think the above section is too wordy. I would make it more concise by saying something like "I firmly believe that this program is fully suited to my goals. Receiving the knowledge, skills and practice it provides would be an important step to allow me reach my dream of fully displaying my vision and contributing to a level that matches my strong passion."