Writing Feedback / "Do you agree/disagree that teenagers should work part time job?" - TOEFL Writing [4]

Statement: Teenagers should work part time job.
Question: Do you agree/disagree?
Response:

We can see many youngsters work while they are studying at school. They have several reasons for doing that. Many are forced to find a job either for funding their own education or helping their family economy. On the other hand, there are also some teenagers who have willingness for getting experiences by working. However, if I can choose my position, I against the idea that states teenagers should work part time job.

First, there is no enough time for self-study and doing homework. Though they have remaining time, they will get tired since a full day of studying then working. Consequently, they are hard to concentrate in doing their responsibility as a student.

Second, teenagers should use their free time looking for their passion and talent. That is the best time for them to try a lot of activities and find out their potencies. For instance, they may take some lessons such as music lesson, dancing class, drawing, sports, and other skills. Additionally, those kind of extracurricular activities get them more using right brain, which is balancing them from school.

Third, it is so important to grow up with sufficient family time. I am very sure that the best education system begins at home. Social skills, values and characters are most developed and influenced by family. Moreover, bad lifestyle, habits and world view have much potential to destroy teenagers by now. If teenagers grow up with family love and protection, I believe many bad things can be prevented.

Those are my reason why I am not supporting teenagers to work part time job. Even though there are some advantages by working, we have more developmental and psychological reason for their age. We should support them, in early age, to be mature and getting them to their passion to live their life to the fullest.

Writing Feedback / It is like making comments for a book without reading it; Some judge others by external appearance [2]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One should never judge a person by external appearances.

"Don't judge a book by its cover." This quote sounds familiar to us. We still see people make generalizations about many things based on appearance. As a result, people are rejected because of their background. Besides that, I also see some people judge others only by their outlooks or what they wear. Slowly but surely, I think this phenomenon will destroy our society and relationships in particular. Hence, I take a position that no one should ever judge a person by outward appearance.

When we judge people this will bring us to some disadvantages. First of all, it is so unfair for the people who are being underestimated in. For instance, some people do not have jobs only because of their disability. I saw a smart man with dozen experiences that he had. He had been called for an interview jobs. Unfortunately, the interview brought him to the rejection because he was sitting in wheelchair. It was really make me so sad.

At the same time, we miss many benefits that we can get for an unexpected person. As the previous story that I told, I feel the company lost such a potential man. They did not know how he actually could make a difference in their company while he was sitting in his wheelchair. To continue my story, the man felt very bad at that time. Fortunately, he met a good guy that heard about him. He saw the man as a whole human that has gifts inside his weak body. He encouraged him. He let the man continued his business while he was going abroad. To make it short, the man made the company gained success.

In conclusion, we should never judge people by external appearance. The main reason is people do not want to be treated unfair. Besides, we do not ever know their inside if we do not give them chance to open and show it. This is the time I ask you to let us know the content of the book before we make comments for it.