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"Do you agree/disagree that teenagers should work part time job?" - TOEFL Writing


giovani 2 / 4  
Jun 29, 2012   #1
Statement: Teenagers should work part time job.
Question: Do you agree/disagree?
Response:

We can see many youngsters work while they are studying at school. They have several reasons for doing that. Many are forced to find a job either for funding their own education or helping their family economy. On the other hand, there are also some teenagers who have willingness for getting experiences by working. However, if I can choose my position, I against the idea that states teenagers should work part time job.

First, there is no enough time for self-study and doing homework. Though they have remaining time, they will get tired since a full day of studying then working. Consequently, they are hard to concentrate in doing their responsibility as a student.

Second, teenagers should use their free time looking for their passion and talent. That is the best time for them to try a lot of activities and find out their potencies. For instance, they may take some lessons such as music lesson, dancing class, drawing, sports, and other skills. Additionally, those kind of extracurricular activities get them more using right brain, which is balancing them from school.

Third, it is so important to grow up with sufficient family time. I am very sure that the best education system begins at home. Social skills, values and characters are most developed and influenced by family. Moreover, bad lifestyle, habits and world view have much potential to destroy teenagers by now. If teenagers grow up with family love and protection, I believe many bad things can be prevented.

Those are my reason why I am not supporting teenagers to work part time job. Even though there are some advantages by working, we have more developmental and psychological reason for their age. We should support them, in early age, to be mature and getting them to their passion to live their life to the fullest.

April April 13 / 148 22  
Jun 29, 2012   #2
I against => i am against
they are hard to concentrate in doing => it is hard for them to concentrate on fulfilling

I'm a bit confused over this sentence: "we have more developmental and psychological reasons for their age". Maybe you should add some short explanations to clarify your idea.

Other than that, great job! I think your essay has good vocab, good connectors, very well-structured.

Best.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 29, 2012   #3
On the other handFurther , there are also some teenagers who have willingness for gettinggaining work experiencesby working .

However, if I can choose my position, Iam against the idea that statessupports teenagers should workworking part time job .
OP giovani 2 / 4  
Jul 3, 2012   #4
Thanks a lot. I struggle much in grammar and using the right vocabulary. I just discovered that I tend to use too many words to tell one word. I will learn to use words efficiently. Thank you very much all...


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