Undergraduate / 'Lessons from my friend' - 12TH GRADE COLLEGE ESSAY CHECK [7]

Hey.
This is looking good so far, but can you please provide the college or university you are applying to, any word length restrictions, and the formal topic that was asked? I feel as though it would help readers, ones other than myself as well, to better understand the perception of your essay.

Also, you may want to elaborate a bit further on the rough patch that you went through and the specific steps your friend took to help you through it. As of right now, I personally feel as though the essay is a bit vague. If you can explain the specifics-- what you were wearing when you heard the news of your family, when you realized that your social life was destroyed etc. For example, at the end, I might say something to the effect of, "Rather than drowning me in trite compliments and allowing me to wallow in self-pity, he forced me to accept the situation for what it was, deal with it, and continue on with my life." You may want to check the sentence at the end of that paragraph because it is incomplete.

You may want to include a small line or two about how this new found perspective your friend has given you will help you in college. While it is not necessary, it provides another way for the college to connect who you are as a person to you academics, talents, and social life.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Lessons from my friend' - 12TH GRADE COLLEGE ESSAY CHECK [7]

I completely understand where you're coming from because I am currently in the same boat. I am sending in my own college application essay in the near future, so I figured helping, and reading, essays on here would help me to further understand how to write my own essay.

Also, I feel like it could probably use a few more details to make it easier for the reader, admission officer, to connect to. As of right now, and I am really not trying to be rude here, it seems like anyone could have written it because while you describe interesting attributes about your best friend and how he helped you through a rough time, you haven't gotten into detail enough on what the issue was and how he helped you take specific steps to resolve it.

It's getting there. :) Good luck!

Undergraduate / College Essay - "A Battle Fought Together" [3]

Hello.
This is a great draft of a fantastic essay! Your mother seems to have had an intensely positive impact on you and your decisions on life. I am sure she is extremely proud of what you are doing, and there is no doubt that you will do well in life. There are a few revisions I would suggest including:

The word "illuminates" when referring to a trait sounds awkward because it is "through" a person. It might simply be that I have not heard it used in that context before, however, it is something to take a gander at.

There should be a comma after "In my case."
There does not need to be a comma after "called." Instead, simply continue into the name "cerebral palsy."
The condition "worsens " instead of "gets worse" ?
The word "exemplifies" does not fit before "living proof." Try something like "My mother constantly exemplifies, despite the studies stating her condition will worsen with age, that she is a driving force determined to provide the best for both my sister and me."

And at the end of that sentence, it should be "me" instead of "my sister and I"
"Strive" is a verb and cannot be used as a noun as you have done above, and individual's needs an apostrophe . How about "Disabilities do not limit an individual's potential, but instead, they give a person the drive to overcome adversity." ?

The last sentence of the first paragraph seems very awkward and misplaced.
Switch the words around in the first sentence of the second paragraph. "Winter nights were the worst because her cerebral palsy would intertwine with her aching arthritis." I'd like to point out that this made the essay really personal, and it made the example so much more concrete. I love this line (despite the meaning of it).

"I really had to step in when she would stay in bed for weeks at a time by: cleaning the house , cooking meals, helping my little sister with homework, and aiding my mother with daily living. All of this was in addition to my own life."

Make "Why couldn't I have a normal mother?" its own sentence.
For the last sentence of the second paragraph, you might want something a little stronger. Maybe, "I developed the notion that having a "normal mother" would ease the troubles I was dealing with to the point of nonexistence."

Make "It was given to her, and she was given to me as a phenomenal mother." its own sentence.
"Despite " does not work properly in that sentence. Maybe rephrase to say that you have learned not to think of helping others as an obligation because your mother showed you it was done out of a sense of love and companionship.

"Extreme drive" sounds awkward to me, but it might just be me.
You have to be parallel in the sentence about "conditionally caring out of love" (this also sounds strange to me-- caring conditionally or loving conditionally?). How about "She has taught me the value of caring conditionally, loving irrevocably, and not shortening expectations of disabled people.

The next sentence is a great way for the admissions officer to get to know why you want to go into medicine. It shows that you have the motivation to enter into such a challenging career field, and it shows that you have done your fair share of research about what it entails.

"the robust mindset" instead of "that robust mind-set"
Overall, this was fairly well written. I am a bit of a stickler for little grammatical things. It's great that you have a focus established already! I am probably right around the same age as you and have a very similar perspective on what I want to do. Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors! :)