Kayla Stovall
Topic A : Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explains how and why this person is important to you.
A Battle Fought Together
Mental strength is an essential human trait that illuminates brightly through few individuals. In my case it came from the impact of responsibility that most people my age do not have. My mother has a condition that affects the spine, crippling her lower limbs called, cerebral palsy. She has gone from ankle braces to walking with crippled limbs her entire life. This affects activities of daily living more than one might think. It became my responsibility as the elder of my mother's two children, to become the rock of the family, especially as I got older. Studies have shown as she gets older the condition gets worse. As a single parent with a disability, my mother constantly exemplifies living proof to breakthrough these studies, and does anything possible to provide the best for my sister and I. Disabilities do not limit an individuals potential but rather give them a greater strive to conquer adversity. Even though, this was not an easy battle for my mother and I go up against.
Winter nights were the worst, when the cerebral palsy condition would intertwine with her acing arthritis. I really had to step in when she would stay in bed for weeks at a time by; cleaning the house , cooking meals, helping my little sister with homework, aiding my mother with daily living , all this added to my own life. Of course at times, especially as teenager, patience would grow short as new activities clamored for time in my life. I was exhausted and used to think that it was not fair, why didn't I have a normal mother? She used to constantly ask, "Are you embarrassed of me? "That question shot me down like an arrow, because internally I knew it was wrong .I got this painful sensation inside me that cast a shadow over my soul as I looked deeply ashamed at the floor. I guess that feeling came from all the things that she has done for me to get to where I am now and the everyday battles we would go through as a family. This made me develop thought of having a "normal mother" would result in a much easier lifestyle.
As I grew order, my perception of life changed. Then I realized that my mother didn't ask to have this disability, it was given to her, and she was given to me, as a phenomenal mother. Despite the little things she asks me to do, I have learned how to do things for others out of love and not think of it as any hardship, just as she does with me. She has done more than some mothers without disabilities, and that is why I proudly look up to her and strive to carry that same extreme drive she had with my own life. I can definitely say that I wouldn't be the person I am today without her. She has taught me the value of conditionally caring out of love, and not to shorten the expectations of those with disabilities. This endearment has shaped me to aim for a career in the medical field, specifically studying human disorders. When others see me I want them to see that robust mind-set that I have built thanks to my mother.
Hello.
This is a great draft of a fantastic essay! Your mother seems to have had an intensely positive impact on you and your decisions on life. I am sure she is extremely proud of what you are doing, and there is no doubt that you will do well in life. There are a few revisions I would suggest including:
The word "illuminates" when referring to a trait sounds awkward because it is "through" a person. It might simply be that I have not heard it used in that context before, however, it is something to take a gander at.
There should be a comma after "In my case."
There does not need to be a comma after "called." Instead, simply continue into the name "cerebral palsy."
The condition "worsens " instead of "gets worse" ?
The word "exemplifies" does not fit before "living proof." Try something like "My mother constantly exemplifies, despite the studies stating her condition will worsen with age, that she is a driving force determined to provide the best for both my sister and me."
And at the end of that sentence, it should be "me" instead of "my sister and I"
"Strive" is a verb and cannot be used as a noun as you have done above, and individual's needs an apostrophe . How about "Disabilities do not limit an individual's potential, but instead, they give a person the drive to overcome adversity." ?
The last sentence of the first paragraph seems very awkward and misplaced.
Switch the words around in the first sentence of the second paragraph. "Winter nights were the worst because her cerebral palsy would intertwine with her aching arthritis." I'd like to point out that this made the essay really personal, and it made the example so much more concrete. I love this line (despite the meaning of it).
"I really had to step in when she would stay in bed for weeks at a time by: cleaning the house , cooking meals, helping my little sister with homework, and aiding my mother with daily living. All of this was in addition to my own life."
Make "Why couldn't I have a normal mother?" its own sentence.
For the last sentence of the second paragraph, you might want something a little stronger. Maybe, "I developed the notion that having a "normal mother" would ease the troubles I was dealing with to the point of nonexistence."
Make "It was given to her, and she was given to me as a phenomenal mother." its own sentence.
"Despite " does not work properly in that sentence. Maybe rephrase to say that you have learned not to think of helping others as an obligation because your mother showed you it was done out of a sense of love and companionship.
"Extreme drive" sounds awkward to me, but it might just be me.
You have to be parallel in the sentence about "conditionally caring out of love" (this also sounds strange to me-- caring conditionally or loving conditionally?). How about "She has taught me the value of caring conditionally, loving irrevocably, and not shortening expectations of disabled people.
The next sentence is a great way for the admissions officer to get to know why you want to go into medicine. It shows that you have the motivation to enter into such a challenging career field, and it shows that you have done your fair share of research about what it entails.
"the robust mindset" instead of "that robust mind-set"
Overall, this was fairly well written. I am a bit of a stickler for little grammatical things. It's great that you have a focus established already! I am probably right around the same age as you and have a very similar perspective on what I want to do. Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors! :)
Anki145,
Thanks so much for taking your time out to edit my essay ! It truly means alot.I will definatley take everything you have suggested into consideration . You may be the reason why I successfully get into college of my choice .I know they caefully look for grammatical errors , and that can make or break a desicion of acceptance. . Again your thoughts and time are greatly appreciated!I wish you the best of luck as well
