Undergraduate / 'Samson's journey' - Transfer Essay [3]

Currently in the process of transferring schools from community college to a four year univeristy looking for some feedback about my essay thus far. Looking for points I could fix. Also any errors you find I'd love for you to point out. Thank you!

My first time here so lets see how it goes.

here it is:

He towered over me while my eyes were caught in a trance. The sun rays danced across the diamond and gold that littered his neck in a beautiful symphony. Samson was the pinnacle of man from my eight year old perspective. He was seemingly flawless. He had everything; from beautiful girls to the cherry red Porsche that to this day I still drool over. At twenty years of age my cousin Samson was living the dream rising from the deepest of poverty in Haiti to eating five star meals in America. He carried himself with such a bravado and swagger that I desperately attempted to emulate. He toted me around as if I was his protïgï and the infatuation only engrossed. My, fixation of loving and wanting to be him created resentment towards my own father because he could never be Samson. However, much like the biblical name he bore Samson's reality would come crashing upon him. Unbeknownst to me, Samson was a drug dealer. Sadly, like the fate of many drug dealers he suffered years of incarceration and eventual deportation. But, through his negative experience in life he's left a lasting mark that has driven me to seek an education and have a perpetual hunger for everything I deem to achieve in life.

Samson's journey for years was paved by drugs, guns, and the hunger for more. In my life I've fortunately been able write my journey differently aligning myself with hard work and dedication and opposed drugs and guns. However the hunger to be better and have better is something he displayed around me and I have always clung to it. I work two jobs, attend school full time, and help support myself through school and my family. I achieve all this through the same thought that my cousin lived by "this isn't enough," it has become my daily mantra. As obstacles mount up and seem unbearable I envision what is on the other side of these obstacles and push through them.

Although I have adopted my cousin's brash attitude of winning at all cost it's a more refined concept. His mindset was compelled by the monetary goals. Likewise I am compelled by the want of a beautiful life; however the need to expand my mind is more prudent. My work ethic has always been my winning factor and I'm confident and stand behind it. But, my quest for knowledge is what I want to expand upon. I want my knowledge and understanding to carry me to new heights. Leaving Nassau Community College and moving onward is the change I need to allow me to progress into a more intellectual human being. The possibility to receive a education won't only allow me to become more intellectual but it is chance to escape the pitfalls that line my journey into life. Attending your university would allow me to do more by presenting me with varying challenges that would only push me to excel. I have a sincere passion to broaden my horizons through my education.

Nassau Community College has served as the first mile to a possibly endless marathon of life that I have begun to embark upon. During my attendance at Nassau I've been prosperous working as hard as I can pushing my educational limits farther then I've ever attempted before. From an early beginning I've had a mindset to excel and my undertaking at Nassau has been no different. I've focused on applying myself by accumulating as much knowledge, understanding and experience before I left Nassau. I was able to take classes that challenged my mind and would also serve as mental weapons to push further in my educational pursuits. While my record isn't perfect as I would of liked it reflects someone who has strived and challenged themselves. I am grateful for my experiences at Nassau for tools the institution has equipped me with. But, Nassau isn't enough. It's only a marginal success.

My want to transfer comes because attending Nassau Community College and being successful isn't my stopping point. To achieve what I've always wanted means moving beyond Nassau Community College. It means attending an illustrious institution like yours to achieve my dreams and become a better me.

Undergraduate / Sister diagnosed with EPILEPSY; U Richmond Transfer/ EXPERIENCE leaving comfort zone [4]

Hey,
I had to write a transfer essay for the university of richmond I wrote about a younger sibling is this a little to personal? Essay prompt below. Thank you for viewing.

Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you?

She laid there paralyzed trapped within her mind. The grief amongst my family was unbelievable, as my sister contorted her body and defecated herself. We stood there helpless until her convulsions ceased, a sense of uncertainty, anguish, and relief filled the room as she laid motionless. Screams pierced the room that had once been filled with a deafening silence.

My younger sister has since then been diagnosed with epilepsy a disease described as "recurrent and unprovoked" seizures. The disorder plagues her lifestyle and looms over her in every choice and decision she makes from this point on. However, she pioneers on understanding her epilepsy is a part of her opposed to be a limitation, vowing to be unrestricted. She cheerleads, runs track, dates, parties, and functions routinely as a 16 year old should. Her unhampered personality and infectious smile combats her condition providing me with certainty that human strength can carry you great lengths and allow to prevail against adversity.

When she succumbs to her seizures I can't help but quiver becoming hesitant reliving the moment like its the first time every time. A pit in my stomach builds as her epilepsy preys on my manhood till I breakdown to tears. I resent god, I pray that I could take her place on the floor, however my prayers are never answered to my dismay. When she regains conscience she is sullen instantly recognizing what has happened and she goes back to life. That's exactly what it is its life and she won't her condition become a disability.

My my sister battles valiantly to live unrestrained life I idolize her for that. In a world where we glorify Justin Bieber for prancing around in his girlfriend's jeans, I glorify my younger sister for her relentless heart and courage. She has provided me with attributes that i carry with me daily. These attributes push me harder and stronger for everything I want.

Writing Feedback / Her sweater had always been her cloak of protection;Short Story thoughts and opinions [2]

Hey everyone I'm currently trying to write a short story haven't finished it yet so its a work in progress and I was trying to get some opinions on it. Thanks for viewing!

It became real the first time they became intimate. The whole scenario played out like a poorly scripted teenage movie, cutting class and making his home their sanctuary. Trepidation and uncertainty embroiled between the two teens as they dawned upon a new facet of their relationship, the moment terrified however their libidos simply intensified. Despite, their inexperience the exchange was fluid his garments disappeared and she trepidatiously followed suit, however she insisted adamantly her sweater remain on. Slowly inhibitions faded as their bodies begun to converge, his broad ebony arms draped across her glimmering freckled skin, becoming one. The scent of engrossed human flesh filled the air as they toiled and tumbled throughout his bed. Repeatedly she made deliberate attempts to return her sweater to its "rightful place", but it was futile and eventually he freed her of it liberating the truth.

Her sweater had always been her cloak of protection that disguised the body which she hadn't fully come to appreciate and aided in denying reality. Once the their act was over an awkward cool filled the room as they individually reflected and previously dormant secrets awoke. The moment of reflection was over, she scattered for her clothes yet it was to late. He had begun to gingerly run his hands around her body investigating each freckle that littered her body playing tic tac toe and eventually reaching her arms. His fingers ran through the peaks and valleys of coarse striations that uniformly followed one another down the length of her arm he hesitated and sat perplexed. She grimaced and pulled away retreating her corner of the bed.

Writing Feedback / Critique essay about pro death penalty [2]

Hey everyone wrote a essay regarding pro death penalty just seeing everyone's opinion regarding the essays structure and content thank you for the feedback in advance:

The Oldest Trick In the Book

Capital punishment goes hand and hand with the start with civilized society. The earliest record of capital punishment can be traced back to King Hammurabi of Babylon in the eighteenth century who created the code of Hammurabi, which outlined two hundred and eighty two laws and their subsequent punishments if broken. While we have come a long way since the times of Hammurabi, capital punishment is still existent in our modern society and plays a crucial role in regulating those who would seek to violate another's right to life. Louis P. Pojman makes a great case for why capital punishment is necessary component of society. His argument revolves around the fact that, "...each person has a right to life" (Pojman, p.389). Intuitively, then it is right to say if an offender violates someone's right to life the offender is to be held accountable for his or her action and receive a punishment proportional to his or her crime. With that taken into account the capital punishment of someone who violated an innocent person's life is justifiable whether its painless or not. The innocent person who's life was abruptly ended most likely suffered in their last moments so why shouldn't the offender? In the case of Clarence E. Hill and others who violate the lives of innocent people I find capital punishment is tolerable even if it inflicts pain. My argument is that capital punishment is necessary for society for the reasons of retributivism and for the sanctity of society and whether it causes pain upon the offender is irrelevant because they have essentially forfeited their "right to life," by violating another's.

Retributivism refers to the view that offenders deserve to be punished, or "paid back," for their crimes. As a human being even if you subscribe to religion or not we all grow up with a moral compass, which we abide by. One guiding rule that majority of people follow is the golden rule, which states "...we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us if we were in their shoes" (Pojman, p. 393). This principle can be seen as an eye for an eye, which I feel, is a just assessment. Why ought a victim of murder or rape be made to suffer while the perpetrator of the crime be let off from the death penalty because it inhumane? Was their act not inhumane? I think its proper and just for offenders to be sentenced to death penalty and if they do feel pain through the process it's acceptable because it would be proportional with what their victims would have went through. Furthermore, not only does the actions of the offender affect the victim it affects the family of the victim in the case of a heinous act. Through the offender receiving the death penalty it is allows the family to feel justice has been served and the punishment of the offender will bring closure. Opponents of capital punishment may see retributivism as revenge however retribution isn't fueled malice revenge is personal retribution is indifferent. Pojman makes a wonderful point stating, "...retribution is not personal but based on objective factors: the criminal deliberately harmed an innocent party and so deserves to be punished" (Pojman p. 393). Retribution is meant to be swift and restore the balance that is stolen when an offender commits grotesque acts against innocents and if there is pain administered through this process so be it.

When someone commits a murder or rape they not only rob the victim of their life and innocence they also rob society of its sanctity. When an offender violates the social norms of our society they tip the scale in their favor and it unfairly instills fear and uncertainty throughout our society. When the death penalty is administered it helps tip the scale back in the favor of society. Think when a heinous crime occurs in your community it subsequently alters the way you live your life until the crime is solved. You no longer feel safe in your surroundings because the offender has instilled a sense of fear and robs the sanctity of your society. In the attempt to return to a balance of society I feel it is just for the offender of morality to feel some of the same pain that they exacted on both their victims and society. There is some debate that the death penalty can be seen as cruel and unusual punishment however my retort to that statement is isn't the senseless death of victims cruel and unusual? If the victims of these heinous crimes can suffer painful deaths why is it wrong for the offender to suffer the same fate?