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Posts by bryetkd
Joined: Oct 8, 2012
Last Post: Jan 1, 2013
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From: United States of America

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bryetkd   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Africa's underdeveloped country' - Pitzer Supplement [2]

The supplemental question for Pitzer is as follows:
____________________________
Pitzer College's educational foundation is built upon five core values: social responsibility, intercultural understanding, interdisciplinary learning, student engagement and environmental sustainability. Our students utilize these values to create solutions to our world's current and future challenges, both big and small. Keeping our core values in mind, please answer one of the following prompts (Maximum of 4000 characters).

1. Incorporating one or more of our values, propose a solution to a local or global issue you deem important.
2. Tell us about an accomplishment of yours. How did you use one or more of our core values to reach your goal?
____________________________
My response:

While there are many people advocating efforts to end world hunger, there are still far too many people numb to what occurs beyond the borders of their precious red white and blue. Many people in this country, possess a feeling of separation from the plights of less developed countries like Africa, for the sole reason that they do not live there or know anyone that lives there. As Americans we live in a country with an endless list of commodities and luxuries that societies within less develop countries, do not have. Clean running water, hospitals , subways, buses, and soup kitchens. Imagine an entire society struggling to live on food, and suffering from diseases, all in conditions, similar to, if not worse than, what many homeless people in the US experience. The difference in the severity of poverty, between countries like the US and Africa, varies and is arguable, but the difference in concentration is undeniable. We have a steadily growing population of obese individuals, while Africa sinks deeper and deeper into poverty and succumbs to its debilitating effects. Tell me that does not sound ridiculous.

The harsh reality of this underdeveloped country ignites a silent anger within me that is filtered into drive and dedication to the idea of using multiple scientific fields to turn around African. My Uncle Larry is a minister at his church, and serves as a missionary traveling to impoverished south American countries and several countries in Africa. When I was growing up, he often painted gloomily colored pictures with the stories of his trips to lesser developed countries. He made me understand at a young age that this was not an unavoidable future. He still tells me today of how colorful and fascinating the culture of these societies are; full of traditions and values that almost seem to ignore the Brighter colors will slowly make the painting shine, if people pick up the right paintbrush. My uncle dug wells that produced freshwater, brought medicine to treat disease, all in addition to building churches and schools. Unsanitary water, HIV/AIDS, malaria, scarcity of food, and low literacy rates are a few issues that inhabitants Africa, face every day.

Ghandi once said "poverty is the worst form of violence." Is there not something more we can do to help our fellow man? As clichĂŠ as that may sound, that is what connects us, we are all human. Foreign policy established by the UN has put the US in charge of supplying specific locations in Africa with food aid. But food aid, builds dependency on the aid and does not solve the problem. Poverty leads to hunger, which leads to more hunger and more poverty. And poverty is not a condition that suddenly starts; it has been reached on account of corrupt governments expensive resources, unavailable and unsanitary water, and inadequate food, among other factors. To end hunger, we need extend a hand, with science, and help pull Africa out of its severe poverty and hunger crisis.

The affects of poverty is twice as severe in countries such as those in East Africa. Its painfully obvious how poverty is connected to hunger and disease. All scientific fields of study fascinate me, whether it be Biology, Physics, Chemistry, or some combination of the three. There are scientists and engineers creating new technologies and agricultural systems that improve the quality of life by providing the people a sustainable and efficient way living, whether that refers to growing and selling crops or feeding themselves. My hope is to contribute by not just providing impoverished African societies technology or establishing more efficient methods of living, but also invigorating those societies with the education and economic policy that would guarantee a brighter future. l I anticipate the day that I might get to take advantage of a foreign exchange program, in a less developed country, and contribute something great to this world by improving the life of others.

_________________________________________
I decided to answer the first question. Although clichĂŠ and possibly overused in supplements, I decided to talk about World Hunger. Yes I know....
Do you think I need to be more specific in how I would go about solving this problem? A common theme in my writing is that I am too vague.

Any editing, criticism or advice is welcome, please help!
DISCLAIMER: I am a terrible writer :(
__________________________________________
bryetkd   
Jan 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / DIVORCE AND ITS EFFECT IN THE SOCIETY. [4]

I have edited the essay in microsoft word 2007 with "track changes"
if you dont have a windows computer or the most recent word program let me know.
the docx. file should be attached
bryetkd   
Jan 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / DIVORCE AND ITS EFFECT IN THE SOCIETY. [4]

Here's the edited version-comments are in brackets)

Divorce seems to be more socially acceptable nowadays and is also the most common issue in the modern world. With the increased rate of divorce, the pace of emotional instability and crime rate is also quickening..While a divorce is clearly harmful to family morale, it is crippling to the development of the children, and is connected to increased crime.

*[Just a thought you do not have to but...your thesis may want to be more argumentative.You may want it to say something more specific. In other words: "While a divorce is clearly harmful to family morale, it is crippling to the development of the children, and is connected to increased crime."]

*[Is this all referring to just the children? if so you can remove "the". Since you mention that divorce effects the development of children, you don't need to say "interference." You can explain that later. You may or may not want to add additional commas]

It is divorce that has an impact on not only their families but also their own children. And children are likely to be the most painful victims in this battle. It effects both their feelings and minds. Some kids avoid all forms of social interaction and soon become immersed in their sadness. This makes them very fearful and worried by nature.

*[Based on Transition in previous paragraph this sentence sounds repetitive.You may want to add something to this sentence that will present a new idea such as mentioning it affects kids more than it does the whole family]

Moreover, there are times when children feel so much anger because of divorce that they resort to committing crimes and taking drugs as a way of dealing with or channeling their anger. As a result many such children have higher chances of becoming delinquents. During the divorce, most children are also unable to concentrate on their studies.. The circumstances surrounding the divorce often make it hard for the child to focus on academic goals. In such cases, children are bound to lose their self-confidence and lose all motivation to study.

*[Again just something that you may want to change the wording for or not, it doesn't really matter:"resort to criminal behavior and drug abuse"]

Most people think that there is nothing positive about divorce as the negative effects are more obvious and talked about. But, divorce can be a positive thing when the marriage is in high conflict and the children are exposed to be in an environment where they see a lack of respect and trust. Often when the child has been a victim of domestic violence, that child will grow to be bitter, with a pessimistic outlook on life, disliking societies' vices. Surely, a child removed from such an environment, will be able to lead a better life. That is a positive side.

*[Could say "Understandably, most people of a divorce as always negative. The negative aspects of a divorce are more apparent and easier to understand." instead of Most people think that there is nothing positive about divorce as the negative effects are more obvious and talked about]

In conclusion, it is high time that society do something to preserve the sanctity of marriage. For if the rate of divorces continue to increase at such an alarming rate, society itself would be adulterated. And people would lose faith in the stability of love, marriage and long lasting relationships, making life very stressful.

*[Never say in conclusion, many teachers, especially in high school and college, hate that. ]
*[if you say "will be" it sounds better and you sound like you are an authority on the subject. I suggest you say will be. Also you might want to choose another word (instead of adulterated) or at least describe what you mean by adulterated.]

HOPE THIS HELPS :D
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