Undergraduate / Common App short anser "Founding a club" [5]

Hey, I'm not quite sure how my short answer looks ...Any feedback on content or grammar is welcomed!! Since it exceeded the word limit of 1000characters, please tell me which part is unnecessary or how can I make it more concise~ Thanks !!~~

Finding many students, including me, had confusion about career interests and future path, I decided to found a Career Development Association as a high school freshman. Though my teammates and I had prepared for a detailed project for the club application, the school club administration didn't approve it but only allowed a probationary run for one month. Countless thoughts raced through my mind as I tried to figure out ways to appeal students' attention, I decided to invite professional career planners to give lectures on choosing major and answer students' questions. By making phone calls and convincing the seemingly inaccessible guest for a gratuitous lecture, I came out of the "shyness shell" I was living in and began to learn how to make comprehensive plans. Popular lectures like these and workshops on discover one's interest led more students to our club and 150 of them join us. More importantly, the weekly meeting to me weren't just routines but chances to help my schoolmates to develop profound self-awareness to chase their own life goals with sheer determination and engagement I involved had ended up in the clarification of my own future plans. I was happy to find our endeavors not only won permit and funds from school, once ranked one of Top ten clubs but also glad because we indeed help all the members feel more passionate toward their daily lives even confronted with daunting tasks.

Thanks again~

Undergraduate / 'The transferring experience' - Michigan supplement! (community): TRANSFER [NEW]

hi, i'm apply to Umich and writing its community essay.

The topic is : Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

My first draft was like this : (the word limit is 250 and i excedded )

It was all too sudden. Developing the habits of spending 5 minutes walking to school, getting best grade, being known by everyone, dominating all kinds of activities - I was smothered by the killing new changes. Students in the new top boarding school were well taken care of all by themselves independently, their wisdom and talents led to all kinds of success effortlessly. My previous cockiness was downright vanishing from sight and I started to jeer at my own remarkable ignorance of still considering myself as the best. As a transfer student, the sense of inferiority, reminiscence knocked me down in a trice.

However, as I realized that it was the place I had to stay for 2 more years, I decided to change and fit in, and dreamt of becoming one of the excellences one day. Encouraged by my roommates, I ran for the election of the vice-monitor and viewed this as a rare chance to get to know all those "inaccessible genius." Every time when we were discussing the huge issues, I found that each of them had different point of view and wanted to share, and most of them were valid points. I started to stop thinking them as the people from a different world and also spoke out what I had in mind naturally because I knew that they would listen and consider. By building friendship, I surprisingly found that many of them were not only intelligent but also versatile. Similarly, they got to know my humor, my unique experience in the past and my enthusiasm for the traditional culture which they said they could no way find at the first sight of seeing me.

Even though I felt downhearted at the very beginning because of my traumatic grades, they told me that they didn't succeed with perfect ease but with long-term efforts. By taking part in some study groups, I was rejoiced at the advice they gave and was also infected with their passion for learning. The huge pressure didn't knock me down but played as a reminder for me to keep thinking and stay focus. In order to catch up with them thoroughly, I also took part in hosting big activities and participated in all kinds of sports. Gradually, even I didn't realize the wall between me and they seemed to collapse and the gap was narrowed to tiny.

My constancy to purpose finally paid off when I became one of the eight students in my class who got admitted to the best high school in the city. I knew that the upcoming pressure was even greater than the last two years' but I was ready and confident to face the new challenges. Things turned out the same as I expected, the adaption to the harsh and fresh high school life 3 years ago was smooth and familiar. The transferring experience reveals to me that when life is seemingly tough, one can possibly become tougher by struggling to overcome the difficulties. I cherish those valuable times and they always pop into my mind as if to remind me how they have rebuilt my dignity and more importantly, reshaped my entire life.

How does it look and how can I shorten it ?? Please !! thanks alot on any harsh comments and advice!!