montysire
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay on Alexander the Great's influence [7]
Greetings! I've just finished this essay, it's just a first rough draft. Could you please give me some feedback and insights, apart from the grammar?
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, scien, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
As a child, I always dreamed of changing the world. My biggest aspiration was to one day be able to coordinate the world's efforts into turning it into better a place. I had the idea, but no one to look up to, as my country was riddled with corrupt politicians and superfluous TV stars.
It was at the age of 8 that I found that missing bond: Alexander the Great. I read a book in school about his conquests and was, since that age, awed by his grandeur. I identified most with Alexander's willpower to go beyond the known world, to risk everything in exchange for a place in history. Since that day, I want to excel in absolutely everything I do, from simple tasks to more complex ones that require hard work. If I'm taking an exam, I aim at getting the highest grades in the class. If I'm playing soccer, I want to be the best. If faced with a challenge, I have to solve it. I'm never satisfied accomplishing the basic, the fundamental. I always want to do more, do things differently, solve a math problem in a way the teacher didn't teach us, make a video presentation instead of handing in a paper. I want to leave a mark on the world, not just live my life. Like Alexander, I'd rather die a fast, vivid life than live a calm, uneventful one.
Also based on Alexander's achievements was my interest in leadership. He knew how to talk to every social class, every man in his army. Motivate them. I try to learn from his biography, understanding and impersonating his abilities. On the soccer team I founded, I always assume the captain's position, making sure every player keeps their role, even though tired. And, similarly to Alexander, it's not only my personal outcomes that influence my decisions. I know that inside everyone, there's the potential to be better. As Alexander himself once said, "There is nothing impossible to him who will try". With the great effort I put into our team, we got a sponsor that helped us pay our coach, a poor man who really appreciated the financial help we gave him. Contrary to Alexander, though, I did not use leadership and courage to make war. Rather, I try to be remembered through helping and always being there for those in need. Recently, I gave english classes to people from a poor community that couldn't afford paying for them through an NGO. It was a simple task for me, but it sure did make a huge difference on their future lives.
Either by giving financial help, by teaching english or by incentivizing people to do better, I know I can change the world. I am sure that, with the correct education, I'll be able to achieve great triumphs, as mighty as Alexander's.
Thank you!
Greetings! I've just finished this essay, it's just a first rough draft. Could you please give me some feedback and insights, apart from the grammar?
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, scien, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
As a child, I always dreamed of changing the world. My biggest aspiration was to one day be able to coordinate the world's efforts into turning it into better a place. I had the idea, but no one to look up to, as my country was riddled with corrupt politicians and superfluous TV stars.
It was at the age of 8 that I found that missing bond: Alexander the Great. I read a book in school about his conquests and was, since that age, awed by his grandeur. I identified most with Alexander's willpower to go beyond the known world, to risk everything in exchange for a place in history. Since that day, I want to excel in absolutely everything I do, from simple tasks to more complex ones that require hard work. If I'm taking an exam, I aim at getting the highest grades in the class. If I'm playing soccer, I want to be the best. If faced with a challenge, I have to solve it. I'm never satisfied accomplishing the basic, the fundamental. I always want to do more, do things differently, solve a math problem in a way the teacher didn't teach us, make a video presentation instead of handing in a paper. I want to leave a mark on the world, not just live my life. Like Alexander, I'd rather die a fast, vivid life than live a calm, uneventful one.
Also based on Alexander's achievements was my interest in leadership. He knew how to talk to every social class, every man in his army. Motivate them. I try to learn from his biography, understanding and impersonating his abilities. On the soccer team I founded, I always assume the captain's position, making sure every player keeps their role, even though tired. And, similarly to Alexander, it's not only my personal outcomes that influence my decisions. I know that inside everyone, there's the potential to be better. As Alexander himself once said, "There is nothing impossible to him who will try". With the great effort I put into our team, we got a sponsor that helped us pay our coach, a poor man who really appreciated the financial help we gave him. Contrary to Alexander, though, I did not use leadership and courage to make war. Rather, I try to be remembered through helping and always being there for those in need. Recently, I gave english classes to people from a poor community that couldn't afford paying for them through an NGO. It was a simple task for me, but it sure did make a huge difference on their future lives.
Either by giving financial help, by teaching english or by incentivizing people to do better, I know I can change the world. I am sure that, with the correct education, I'll be able to achieve great triumphs, as mighty as Alexander's.
Thank you!