Undergraduate / "My God, it's full of stars!" - Interest and Thinkings in Astronomy_ CommonApp [3]

I really like this essay, good sentence structure and variation.

"I hold dear our neighboring suns light-years away because they taught me a higher fidelity that is more than merely superficial pleasure."

There are a few sentences like this, where I am really getting a sense of you, but that's marred by your word choice. Like here, I'm not sure "fidelity" is the right word. Just work on the diction, and this will be perfect.

Undergraduate / 'Not all universities are the same / Representing team and city' - UCF admissions [3]

"and the academic opportunities at UCF are exemplarily compared to other universities. " should be: exemplary

"I desire to go into the Athletic field of professions one day" should be something like: "I desire to go into the field of sports management one day, and the internships that are available from UCF are more than I could ever hope for from a college."

I do have to say the part about " All of the facilities are outstanding, and the academic opportunities at UCF are exemplarily compared to other universities." sounds fairly rote and mechanical. I know you don't have much space to write with a low word count, but that sentence sounds "fake," and would be better replaced by a statement where you mention a specific facility or opportunity. For example, you might mention a Student Recreational center, or you might mention some unique opportunities offered in some UCF classroom.

Hope that helps a bit.

Undergraduate / 'Grew up running' - Short Answer for Common App - Running [4]

Excellent essay. You bring it together by tying in your coaches words and the anecdote from your childhood.

This sentence is the only real one that needs work: "She accepted giggling, at which I was slightly annoyed." maybe "Giggling, she accepted. This slightly annoyed me because this was, after all, a race - a very serious business." Just my two cents.

Great job though!

Undergraduate / "Exploring common life experiences" - Rutgers Essay [2]

"homogeneous culture" I feel like this whole essay would be better served if you spent less time talking about your lack of opportunities outside your culture, and spent more time talking about this "homogeneous culture," because you never say what it is.

For example when you say: "However during this time, I learned to be disciplined and tedious in my studies and became attentive to others." Is this because of your culture, or is this because of who you are?

Because the essay wants to know about how you'll contribute to Rutgers' diversity, as well as take from it, I feel as though you've over emphasized the "take" and under-defined the "give." What about your culture and your upbringing will you bring to the table? Traditions, customs, holidays etc?

Undergraduate / Mrs. Kemp still encourages me. She had an impact on my life. [2]

"So when a high school teacher can influence you, can impact your life so deeply, that it changes the way to grow and think, that teacher becomes more than that, but she becomes a friend."

"who was heavily influential on her students" I think this sentence is unnecessary because 1) The essay is about you, not so much the others in your class. and 2) We know she's influential, because you're writing the essay about her and already stated as much.

As a big proponent of the Thesaurus myself, your use of the word "psyche" seems improper to me, and like you just were looking for another word.

"She let's them know she cares" should be "She lets"

"she gave me a hug, and told me that she would be there, whenever I needed it." This actually leaves me wanting more. So did you talk to her and ask for advice often after that? Did your life improve? Did you cope better? etc.

Also, I can't tell you if this is too short, because I don't know how long the essay is supposed to be!

Cheers!

Undergraduate / UC personal statement: the Appetite behind my Aspirations [3]

As someone who loves global cuisine too, and has friends just like this, I really love this essay.

I think you tie the food idea in well at the end. Granted, it's cliche, but it's done as well as you could do.

I do want to say, the part where you say something about being a "homeschooler" comes out of left field and doesn't seem to really fit.

Great job though :)