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'Grew up running' - Short Answer for Common App - Running


wellesleygirl 2 / 4 2  
Nov 4, 2012   #1
This is for the Common App short answer. Please give any advice you might have on how to improve it! (also, the dashed line is my last name, but I didn't want to actually post it)

I grew up running. I am a -------; it's what we do. My childhood was spent cheering older siblings from the sidelines, dreaming of the day when I too would be the shining star. I remember when I was six, challenging my cousin to a race. She accepted giggling, at which I was slightly annoyed. This was, after all, a race-a very serious business. Count of three and we were off! I surged ahead, pigtails blowing in the wind, stubby legs stretched as far as they could, confident I was a match for any of my siblings. That is, until I glanced back to see my cousin collapsed in a puddle of tears at the thought of losing. Visions of imaginary medals forgotten, I picked her up, cheering her to a first-place finish.

Not much has changed. I am still the little girl who delights in a race, though I am not the record-breaking runner I had so long envisioned. Medals are rare, but what matters is not always measured in gold. The teammates I run with count as much as my place at the finish line. When I asked my coach why he chose me to be a captain, since I am neither the fastest nor the loudest, he confided, "When someone is crying or hurt, I know you'll be there." No ribbons around my neck or plaques on the wall could mean more.
orthodoxyordeat - / 6  
Nov 4, 2012   #2
Excellent essay. You bring it together by tying in your coaches words and the anecdote from your childhood.

This sentence is the only real one that needs work: "She accepted giggling, at which I was slightly annoyed." maybe "Giggling, she accepted. This slightly annoyed me because this was, after all, a race - a very serious business." Just my two cents.

Great job though!
OP wellesleygirl 2 / 4 2  
Nov 4, 2012   #3
Thank you! Yes that makes sense, I'll edit that part.
blquandt 9 / 23  
Nov 5, 2012   #4
Cut the "a" out of "a very serious business" and change "I remember when I was six, challenging my cousin to a race" to "When I was six, I challenged my cousin to a race"

If you make those changes you'll have, in my opinion, a perfect essay. Good job.

I especially love this because I'm an XC captain too!


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