Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by viridianforest
Joined: Nov 6, 2012
Last Post: Nov 8, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
viridianforest   
Nov 6, 2012
Undergraduate / "A pair of recycling hands" Tulane Personal Statement Essay [3]

Hi guys :)
This is my Tulane Personal Statement Essay.
Basically I have no idea if my personality shines through enough or if I'm placing commas in the right places :D
So prompt
(Using the space below, please write between 250 and 500 words to describe a special interest, significant experience or achievement, or anything else that has special meaning to you or had a significant influence on you.)

A pair of hands carefully rummage through a mountain of old classwork papers peppered with scores of unwanted plastic bottles. They furiously separate smushed up Aquafina bottles from old chemistry worksheets in the standard green recycling bin. These are hands that have recycled the schools reusable goods for around 4 years now. They are the hands of a veteran, ones that can quickly sort through any waste thrown in their way and easily identify trash from reusable goods. They are the hands of a member of the Environmental Club, a club dedicated to recycling the whole school on Thursday afternoons.

These hands weren't always this way. At the beginning, they were a small pair hands belonging to a shy looking girl. They didn't know the difference between the handling of cardboard and paper or glass and plastic. They did however, care about the environment and definitely wanted to make a difference where they could. Therefore they were brought to the Environmental Club by the reclusive girl in hopes of making new friends and learning more about the Earth.

And luckily for her, the girl did find those things. Through her years at Environmental Club, she went from standing awkwardly in the corner to finding many people who were equally passionate about the environment as she was. She went from doing only her weekly duty of recycling to participating in the school's Earth Day festival, staying after hours to help out in any way she could. As for her hands, they went through a lot too during those years: sorting thousands of bottles and of papers, transferring hundreds of pounds of reusable goods into large recycling dumps, and tossing away hundreds of pieces of trash. Throughout the years, they grew larger and tanner as Environmental Club led the girl not only into recycling, but also into volunteering at the local wetland and lake, and led the hands to don gloves and pick up trash on a long stretch of highway.

Throughout the years, those hands learned the true meaning of "reduce, reuse, recycle." Through digging around bins in the Environmental Club, they learned to apply those values into more aspects of life. They learned to reuse, often sifting through clothing racks at Goodwill and thrifting, instead of buying expensive jackets at Macy's. And they learned the true meaning of recycling. "One man's trash is another man's treasure" became the girl's motto. The recycling bins taught her that, after showing her so many perfectly usable folders, binders, and papers, all being tossed away. They showed her that recycling doesn't just mean sending things off to the waste recycling center. Recycling could simply be reusing resources. In those years, most of her school supplies came from those trusty green bins.

Through Environmental Club, these hands have rummaged through a fair share of recycling bins. And these hands will continue to recycle. They have sworn to protect the environment and teach people the importance of reducing, reusing and recycling, one unwanted bottle at a time.

yeah. I am in desperate need of any and all advice. Free internet cookies for everyone xD
viridianforest   
Nov 6, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Academic career teacher' - UCF essays [3]

I really like the essay #2 and the fact that essay 4 is a continuation on 2. That's really brilliant and asdfd;alk' creative *_*
Ok now I'm going to awkwardly try to edit your essay #2. Feel free to ignore any advice that goes against what you're trying to do :D

I'm going to edit it like a pirate captain whose about to flog an enemy fleet's crew. sorry.
It may sound really harsh but it's really unintentional! really!
with all the maybe's i'm using, I could be carly rae jepson

Of the handful (you've probably had a lot of teachers(?), maybe changing it to a word like "many" would highlight Mr. Damarais more) of teachers throughout my high school and dual enrollment academic career, the sole (this sounds a little awkward. maybe one? or something?) teacher that has had the greatest impact on my life has been my Pre-Calculus teacher, Kris Damarais. (I like it :D) Before taking his class, I didn't have the desire (this doesn't express how you feel as much as it could) to attend college. It was (?? wasn't maybe?) until Mr. Demarais changed my perspective on mathematics that I began to care more about my future. Originally, I signed up for the his? Pre-Calculus class for the sole (solely? maybe then take out reason) reason to pass the class (the verb tense here is kinda awkard) and achieve a Math credit for school. As the semester course progressed, I began to develop the (an admiration perhaps? "the admiration sounds a little awk >xD) admiration of solving equations and calculating difficult algebraic functions. The teacher began to admire this is an interesting verb choice. do you think he was admiring your A's or something else like "notice" or "praise" the A's I received on his tests and congratulated me with a tap on the shoulder or a "good job, son." nice! After receiving one of the highest grades on his tests, he pulled me aside after class. (also awesome~) He asked me what I wanted to major in once I'm in college and (this is happening a little too fast. maybe you could split it into two sentences like. "I shocked him with my response that I didn't want to attend college. because shocking people is fun. bzzt.) he was shocked by my response that I didn't want to attend college. From then on nice transition :D! , Mr. Demarais made it his goal to convince me to a lot of "to"s maybe "Mr. Demarais' new goal was to convince me to.." pursue mathematics as a career. He explained that I have (had. explained to me that I had.) the potential to become a great engineer or mathematician. His words of encouragement lifted my spirit (cliches sometimes detract from what you're trying to say, though they are super fun to use) and changed my future. Because of his encouragement, I pursued my interest in Engineering. Mr. Demarais has taught me the value of humility, gratitude, and integrity. He has taught me that being honest (this doesn't relate too much to the prompt) with an individual could help that person become successful later on in life, through the encouragement and the motivation of an influential teacher. (the last sentence is kind of awkward and unclear. don't really know what you're trying to say :o)

Anyways, your essay was really nice! The idea is really creative and inspiring and hit the prompt so accurately. Keep up your awesomeness :DD
viridianforest   
Nov 6, 2012
Undergraduate / The Cuban miracle (surprising art/science/literature essay) [6]

I really like how you related Celia Cruz's song to your grandfather. It's quite awesome :D
I also really liked the brilliant usage of some of your verbs and adjectives. They were pretty darn compelling.

Listening to the Cuban trumpet and bongos(what are the bongos and trumpets doing?) , as the voice of Cuban singer Celia Cruz echoed the lyrics to her world famous song "Carnaval", reminded me of a gruesome story my grandpa once told me at a young age.(it's unclear whether your grandpa was young or you were young. hohoho.) As I listened to the essential meaning of the song in spanish (capitalize dat.) , asserting that life was unfair at times but we must live through it, produced a flashback to my adolescence. (This sentence is a little awkward. This is a random suggestion -> "As I listened to Celia Cruz's lament about how life was unfair at times, but we must live through it, it produced a flashback to my adolescence." semicolons are the fancy feast of grammar imo) My memory was shady (nice. I love the way shady is used xD at times, but I remembered the time my grandpa told me he fled Cuba during the Communist regime, (Really awesome sentence. But I feel that the fact that he left everything behind may deserve another sentence. like "he left everything behind, including his family. leaving everything behind including his family. He endured a troublesome ("troublesome" discredits some of the hardships. what about "painful" or something more...rawr?)) journey, relocating (becoming a refugee in Miami maybe? eitherway, relocating also discredits his hardships a little) to Miami with nothing (but the clothes on his back! XD jk.) . As the bongos and trumpets continued to play, and as the tears held up in my eyes (brilliant) , I continued to relive the account of my grandpa. He arrived in Miami with the world in front of him but with no money, family or shelter.(cliches are awesome and fun but they detract from the meaning sometimes. Random suggestion ->"He arrived in Miami with the whole world in front of him but no money, family, or home to support him.) But as a true Hispanic knows, an opportunity can lead to many open doors. (where does this come from :D? it doesn't really relate) He worked tirelessly from his arrival and "and his work paid off, with him winding up working a prestigious job. Maybe you could specify jobs ex. "I started as a janitor and now I am the CEO of Fancy Feast") wound up at a prestigious job. At the sound of Celia Cruz's voice, I tremble at the onset with memories and flashbacks of my grandpa's gruesome (already used this adjective) struggle to stay alive on his journey to reach the American dream. I am constantly reminded that life is at times unfair, but we must move past these trying times and learn valuable lessons which can bring good fortune upon each of us. nice!

Please don't kill me. I know I sound really mean sometimes ._. But I'm just trying to be constructively critical >_<
Sorry! And well written! I love the flow~
viridianforest   
Nov 6, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Parodying Musics' - Caltech: Describing an Unusual way in which you have fun [8]

Oh man xD
Parodying music is the best. *gives high five over internet*
also "most influential rock song" should be "rock songs" and "depict" should be "depicts" for grammatically correct awesomeness. And it shouldn't be the Queen, it should just be Queen because that's the band name. So..(I'm sorry I know you didn't ask for this! >_< Just in case you wanted to know later on xD)

"We also changed one of the most influential rock songs, the best hit single of Queen "Bohemian Rhapsody" into "Bohemian Raspberry", a song that depicts the epic saga about a poor boy trying to taste the luxurious raspberry."

That's probably all I can help with .-. sorry.
I'm not an admissions officer, so I don't know what they want. But that is a little risque. Maybe you could change the masterpiece. or change "dick" into something less threatening to conservative old ladies. By the way, what's the significance of Richard?

That song sounds pretty epic tho >:D and I really like how its "an adventurous song full of funny double entendre."
viridianforest   
Nov 8, 2012
Undergraduate / The Cuban miracle (surprising art/science/literature essay) [6]

I really like it :DD

As I listened to Celia Cruz's lament about how life was unfair at times, but we must live through it, produced a flashback to my adolescence.

Is still a little grammatically awkward though, you need to have something to produce your flashback, (like a time machine). ex. As I listened to Celia Cruz's lament (etc. etc.), the beautiful song produced a flashback to my adolescence.

Or something. xD
and
typical tunes
sounds a little awkward >_< i think it's the typical part. maybe. this isn't really a big deal adsfda;';
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳