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Posts by M_Squared
Joined: Nov 19, 2012
Last Post: Feb 21, 2013
Threads: 3
Posts: 8  

Displayed posts: 11
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M_Squared   
Nov 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The Filipino paintings' - My UC application prompt #1 [4]

Your essay is pretty good. The only thing I was confused about was the 1st sentence of your last paragraph. You mentioned the authentic Filipino paintings, but didnt talk about any paintings. Usually the 1st sentence of a paragraph is the topic sentence that brings meaning to the paragraph. I thought you were gonna expand more about the Filipino paintings in your house. Overall, good essay.

Can you critique my essay too?
M_Squared   
Nov 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'two diligent parents' - UC Application Prompt #1 [4]

DON'T HOLD BACK! I'd love to hear your great, positive criticism!

Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped my dreams and aspirations.

****My intros are usually my weak spot.

My world is my family. My family? They're a group of fun-loving motivators with high expectations for me. It's understandable that the phrase "dream big" may seem a little clichĂŠ in this case, but that's exactly what I was raised to do. Dream big.

From growing up with two hard working parents, to seeing my sister achieve her goal of attending law school, there's no doubt that I feel a little pressure reach equal success. The feeling of all eyes on me. The nonstop, overflow of questions, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "Are you ready for life after high school?" "What's your intended major?" At times, those moments are an overwhelming haze, but through it all, the characteristics of my family are what help me see my ambitions clearly, which is to research and find a cure for Alzheimer's disease.

I'm the youngest child to two diligent parents. My mother works full time as a nurse and for the past twenty-two years, my father has worked nights at a warehouse in order to spend time with my sister and I during the day. I was brought up with the fact that having faith and standing up on my own two feet will get an individual far in life. Support and guidance from my parents are definitely important, but that doesn't call for complete dependency. I was taught to tackle adversities and chase my aspirations, to stand firm for what I believe in, and that I can't please everyone. Then there's my sister. She doesn't have to say word to me. Watching her go after her goal is what pushes me forward to what I dream of becoming. The positivity I see coming from my family gives me insight of how I want to go forth with my future. The qualities of my family are planted in me and I've grown into a determined go-getter. I'm driven to cure this disease so that seniors can grow old with grace and dignity. I want to demolish the worry families' hold about this illness. It's not that I can't slack in life, I don't want to slack.

With the strong foundation my parents built and the inspiring achievement of my sister, I have what it takes to thrive in life after high school. I have no doubts that my families' encouragement and high standards will keep me rooted in my studies as I continue on to a university. Though there may be bumps along the road ahead, nothing will stop me. After all, I was raised to do one thing. Dream big.
M_Squared   
Nov 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Sailing and the Queen's Cup' - UC application's second [5]

Great essay. Throughout the essay, there is a lot of descibing and explaining, but you steered clear from boring the reader with your imagery. I never knew much about sailing, but after reading this essay, I hold a lot more respect for the sport and your love for the sport.
M_Squared   
Nov 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Requesting Critiques for Essays to University of California, Berkeley [4]

1st essay: Although I did like your essay, I would get lost in your explainations. The essay is about you and as the UC website says, its presonal. I would say you should reduce the facts/suggestions about human characteristics. EX. : The feeling we get after failure, the explaining of how an artist can't survive on their own. Everyone knows that humans are driven and that we want to strive, but we want to know more about you. Not facts, or information that cause a reader to get bored & lost in reading this. I can tell you're very bright just by the incredible vocab you use, but the essay-mostly in language- is a little too over the top. Reading your essay makes me feel it would be hard to relate/understand the kind of person you are.
M_Squared   
Nov 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'two diligent parents' - UC Application Prompt #1 [4]

I love your critiques! It's alirght to be harsh in this case haha we these essays are part of what gets us accepted. I think I couldve been nicer with your essay. I just got the impression that you were king genius or something.. But thanks for the advice. I'll definetly use it
M_Squared   
Nov 20, 2012
Undergraduate / 'video game addiction' - Overcoming this obstacle in life has been my great achievement [2]

Before going straight into your essay, start off with a sentence that really intrigues the reader to continue reading your essay. In paragraph 2, sentence 1, we know that Call of Duty negatively affected your life, so you don't have to restate it again; I would take out that sentence. Last paragraph, sentence 2 : Instead of "The lessons I learned" change to "The lessons I gained"

Overall good essay, just tidy it up and don't explain your addiction too generally. Although others may have a same/different addiction, your essay should wow the reader. Leave them with their jaws dropped!
M_Squared   
Nov 20, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Essay Prompt #1: Toastmasters Experience [3]

Awesome idea to start of your essay with dialouge. I like your consistent use of phrases. I was a little thrown off at the very end where you mention your intrest in dentistry. It was just a little strange. Your essay was mainly about overcoming your fear of speaking, and it flowed well, but mentioning dentistry at the end seems like it was just thrown into the essay. I wasnt really expecting your intrest in detistry, but rather an effective closing sentence about your triumph & conquering your fear of public speaking.
M_Squared   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'toothless smile and smelly diapers' - UC Essay Prompt #2 [6]

A heartwarming toothless smile. Changing smelly diapers. Feeding with a gentle hand. The elderly. Having a job at a nursing couldn't possibly be better than this.

Debra, my aunt, granted me with the chance to work at her nursing home when I was twelve years old. Always, I've had a strong desire to care for the elderly so I thought, "Why not take the job." I arrived to an atmosphere of such contentment and tranquility, one could not imagine a nursing home would be as delightful as my aunts'. In fact, I worked for free and continued to do so for the next five years-but without the interaction between me and the residents, evidently, my working experience would mean nothing.

Each resident had an interesting background and unique personality. I recall meeting sweet, little Jean when I was twelve during my first week of the job. With her curly, fluff, silvery, hair, a lovable smile, petite stature, it's impossible to not burst "Aww!" with her childlike presence and qualities. Oh, but I cant forget Sam. Sam the man was one brave soul. A World War II veteran, big in height, with a booming, projective voice, early in his nineties reminisced the days of being a youth in the navy. "U.S.S. Nevada PB-36. Look it up and I guarantee you'll find somethin'." Sam could chatter for days about his petrifying experience of the attack on Pearl Harbor a being young crew member of the battleship stated above. Then there's Vada. Mean ol' Vada with her sweet and sour personalities. She and her husband worked for the CIA most of their lives, which explains why she always seemed so suspicious of everyone around her. Despite her backlashes, I helped her in and out of bed, fed her, and spent time with her. Eventually, she grew comfortable enough to poke friendly banter at me and vice versa. These were the times I knew this job was perfect for me.

The sights, the smells, the interactions. They all contribute to my love of working at my aunts' nursing home. But most of all, the impact these three residents have on me are the reasons I'm drawn back year after year.
M_Squared   
Feb 21, 2013
Undergraduate / My faith and my education; Azusa Pacific U Christian Environment [2]

They said 500 words or less, but this is only 187 words.

Prompt: We'd love to know more about you! Please briefly describe why APU's Christian environment appeals to you in 500 words or less.

Being a Christian, I have two driving forces in my life. My faith and my education. Throughout my life, I have been enrolled in public schools. I didn't mind attending public schools, but I would have loved to attend Christian school-had my parents enough money to do so. Going to public schools, indeed, had its advantages and disadvantages. One of the advantages is being able to spread my faith to nonbelievers and curious bystanders on my campus. Through my knowledge, I was able to share the great things that come out of having a relationship with Jesus. Having the chance to invite some of the students from my school my church is a great sense of gratification-especially since they didn't normally go to church. The downside was having to experience the ignorance some students had about my belief and who my Savior was. Now, as I prepare to graduate high school, I'm granted the opportunity I wasn't able to have, which is, attending a Christian school. I aspire to attend Azusa Pacific University where students-like myself-want to grow academically and spiritually.
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