Undergraduate / Emory Supplement - "Reminiscent and Adventurous" [2]

the first sentence is a little redundant. I would either put: "I stared in awe as my mentor quickly swabbed samples of the E. coli cell culture, plunged the samples into the buffer solution and into the centrifuge to extricate the altered DNA with ethereal precision.", or "My mentor quickly swabbed samples of the E. coli cell culture, plunged the samples into the buffer solution and into the centrifuge to extricate the altered DNA with such precision she seemed ethereal." I might choose the second option, because using the adjective ethereal kind of implies that you are in awe. And the way you describe it establishes you are present. I know these things have word limits, so.

good word choice...quell, ethereal.

Yes your conclusion sounds a bit rushed, but really only the last sentence. Try: "However, my interest in the research process was not satisfied by short year/summer [which one?] at ohio department of [x]. Fortunately, I believe the Emory College of Arts and Science can provide endless opportunities for me to indulge in research"

Emory provides the [perfect or other adj...you probably have a better one :)] combination of a familiar environment that encourages past interests and a plethora of novel and stimulating new ventures.

I have a tendency to be a little verbose, but, mostly, you loose the "I think a good university provides" (bleh) and the "which is exactly what i think Emory will provide for me"

"Therefore, I wish to continue research as I pursue a college education and I believe that with the SIRE program at Emory College of Arts and Sciences, I will have endless opportunities to indulge in research." therefore sounds a bit off. maybe..."

very good. I hate the "why us" questions. they kill me.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'An adventure of a year abroad in Italy' - UC Application: an acomplishment relate [3]

I uploaded a document...let me know if you can't read it!

Gaah. Stupid computer won't upload it! Fine. I'll just make a whole freaking website, and stick it on that.
go to i-posted-it-here-for-you.blogspot.
I posted my comments there. I promise it's not a stupid site or anything, I just made it. I will beat you yet, *$%^% technology.

Oh yah, and lemme know when you've read it I'll delete the blog. Don't want that floating around out there.

Undergraduate / "Bad Investments?" Common App Short Answer [9]

K: so, first it is SO COOL that you traded stocks in highschool. For anyone who's reading this, it's out of the ordinary and a perfect topic.

However, in order to really live up to its potential, you need to make it sound a well, sophisticated as it really is.

Though I sometimes think of myself as a perfectionist, I never was the "Look before you leap" type. [okay. So, I know you are trying to explain that you take risks, sometimes without thinking of them all the way through, while still presenting yourself as a studious person. However, because of the thousand character limit, I would just start "I never was the "look before you leap" type." I promise they won't think less of you, your grades and tests scores will reveal whether or not you are a perfectionist!] It always [remove always] seemed [put in present tense; say seems to me. Your opinion hasn't changed.] to me that the best way to learn and gain experience was [again, is] through trial and error. Unfortunately, I still abstained [abstained means refrained. as in you didn't follow this philosophy. but you did. you made bad investments. so change the word? unless i misunderstood] from this philosophy when [i"n my sophomore year of highschool, I purchased my stock" phrase it first way because the most important part of the sentence, the stock purchasing, should be at the end. trust me.] I purchased my first stock in my sophomore year of high school. When I bought that single share of Google[comma] I didn't consider that I could lose a significant amount of the money [delete that I had invested. we know] that I had invested, but I was eager to see what I was capable of.

It wasn't long before the stock dropped. [elaborate. how much did you loose? at this point, we are curious] [Even though I had failed, I bought into yet another company. Loss would not be the final outcome of my gamble] I had failed, but I persistently bought into another company, refusing this as a final outcome. Looking back at my choices [delete at my choices. what else where you looking back at?], I wasn't trying to profit as much as I was trying to figure out how to profit [good, good]. That's why I enjoy trading stocks: not only because it is exciting to see success every once in a while, but also because there is nothing like gaining a bit more understanding of how the market, one of the most mysterious things in the world, works.

I would change your last sentence a little. Not the message, merely the wording. I hope i helped. And of course, those are all just suggestions. Feel free to ignore me :)

Oh yah! thanks for reading my essay!

Undergraduate / 'An adventure of a year abroad in Italy' - UC Application: an acomplishment relate [3]

Oh, and if you have time, would you mind reading my essay?

Undergraduate / 'decisions concerning the DREAM Act' - COMMON APP Personal Statement [4]

I'm with you! Go dream act :) Totally going to find your blog.

K, my critiques are not with your prose (which is fine) but actually with the essay as a whole.
You have written a persuasive essay, and on that front I think that it would be advisable you spend a little more time addressing what the dream act is. Also, in any persuasive essay, it is important to address the thinking of the oppositions viewpoint. Why has the dream act been stalled? In order to write a truly persuasive essay, you must present more than one side of the issue.

And as for the fact that it is a persuasive essay. I did some research on what college admissions officers (and the common app) are looking for in your essay. It turns out, they are more interested in a personal essay than a persuasive one. Whether or not you believe in the dream act is probably not going to get you into college, and you probably not going to convince the admissions officer to think one way or another: they already have an opinion. They don't care about the facts about the Dream Act, they want to get to know you. You might want to think about focusing more on a personal story describing how you came to be such an adamant supporter of the act, a time when you questioned your commitment, or go into more details about your blog experience. This will allow the essay-readers to get to know you and here about your opinions.