Posts by ellenk3112

ellenk3112

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / "silly and awkward roles" UC PROMPT #2; personal quality, talent, etc. - important to you [3]

Hi chingchong,
I just read your essay and comes up with some suggestions:
1. I was sort of confused while reading your introduction, I didn't know what it is about until reading the 2nd paragraph. Besides, there is no connection between the 1st and 2nd paragraph.

2. The first part of the 2nd paragraph, from "The beginning of my freshman year,...how could I say no?" sounded more like an introduction to me. It helped me figure out what your essay is about.

3. I think what you described in your essay is too broad. Like i know that the play changed your personality but I don't know how it happened. Was there any specific story or incident that completely affected you?

4. I like the way you described things in the first paragraph, but I think it's too long. Try to re-organize your essay so the readers won't be confused while reading it, and be more specific about your stories.

Hope they help. All the best for you.

ellenk3112

Dec 9, 2012

Undergraduate / "Nam is an enthusiastic and humorous guy" - Essay on Myself [6]

Try to improve not only your English, but also your writing skill.
My suggestion about your essay is to talk more about yourself (such as your hobbies, talent, your interest, etc), not just your academic. It will get more attentions from the audience.

Good luck with your contest.

ellenk3112

Dec 9, 2012

Undergraduate / Why Carnegie Mellon? (Communication Design) [3]

Try to break up your first paragraph to and create the introduction. It's too long compared to the others.
I suggest that you should briefly explain how you know about Carnegie Mellon before explaining why you decide to apply.

ellenk3112

Dec 9, 2012

Undergraduate / Coming from an Eastern Country - Transfer Admission Essay - Statement on Purpose [2]

Hi everyone,
I'm planning to transfer to somewhere in either Texas or New York next Fall. Most of the schools I'm applying for require "statement on purpose" essay or "why do you want to transfer?" essay, so I wonder whether or not I can use this for both of the requirements.

Because I wrote it for scholarships that only allow 250 words or less, it's quite short. I can add more details later.

"As a child, born and raised in an Eastern country, learning at an early age was what I was told, even forced to do, not what I chose to do. Here I am, in my second year at college, wondering whether attending school is my own decision.

Three years ago, my parents gave me the best gift I have ever received, "American education", when they decided to move here. The gift gives me chances to learn what I want to, in addition to what I am required to, and has transformed my view of learning, from compulsory to exciting. It also offers me opportunities to experience different aspects of life. From there, I have learned more about myself, and my interests. Therefore, college helps me to direct my career path.

As I enjoy my life, my parents struggle with theirs. The inability to provide a life with no worry for their children and the lack of communication and entertainment due to limited English skills are what they have to handle every day. What they have paid for the gift is invaluable. All I can do to thank them is study, harder and harder. It is not only for me, but for my parents also. I want their gift to be worthwhile.

Although college cannot guarantee me success, it does increase my opportunity to achieve it. I am hungry for knowledge and college has fed me very well. Thus, why should I not attend college?"

Feel free to fix any grammar error or comment about the essay. I really appreciate it.
Thank you for your time.