Undergraduate / 'Skiing forward' - Williams College Essay: Transfer Applicant [5]


Either add "just" to "not merely my passion" or do away with "also".


I find it a tad awkwardly phrased.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a high level of sophistication! Love it.

chewbaccablack

I think the more significant "window" here is the photographs that inspire him. The first paragraph links quite nicely with that, I think.

Undergraduate / My testing scores and achievements - why Uchicago? [6]

Okay, the thing is, while I understand that you only recently began to research colleges, it is not a very good idea to imply that you were drawn to a school because of its elegant website - sounds superficial to me. Also, The detail about Googling UChicago is superfluous and does not help. You can simply write you went to its website.

Also, I have a question to ask you: how many schools do not have what primarily draws you to UChicago (i.e core curriculum and housing system)? Will the adcom really feel the need to take you in if they know that you can find those things at some other school too?

Just a few thoughts... :)

Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

Hmm, maybe better use of apostrophes? It's others' opinions and others not 'other'.

Walls do not crush. Bad metaphor (personification)? How about confine? Like walls not letting you express yourself? That would be more accurate :)

I am also one who likes to challenge myself and thrive to be better than I was before.

I am also a person?

Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

There are a quite a few grammar errors. His use of 'will' rather than 'would' for instance, suggests a sense of haughty certainty of his enrollment next year.