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'My savior' - why uchicago supplement


zdv 12 / 68 2  
Jan 3, 2013   #1
hey everyone, this is my why Uchicago supplement. I need to submit it shortly so any help will be much appreciated. is it too cheesy? too long? too fake? anything! Please help me and i will help you with yours. Thanks.

University of Chicago- My savior

Since the day I was born, I have been confined by walls. As I age, these walls seem to grow bigger and bigger. I have tried finding ways to escape, but there are none. These walls are the walls that society has created. If I try to go outside these walls, I will be laughed at and talked about. The best way is to stop trying and spend my whole life inside. But then, I am not a quitter. Neither am I someone who will stay trapped. I am a free bird who wishes to fly out of this cage and University of Chicago can be my savior.

Growing up in a society where other's thoughts were always kept before my desires has been tough. To think about what other might think of the way I choose to dress, the people I choose to be friends with, the things I want to accomplish has always made me suffocate. I have not been able to be myself. While I respect others opinions, I respect mine as well. And these opinions, I will not allow the walls of society to crush. I believe a person is the master of his own will and I can become one too if I get the opportunity to come to Uchicago. The open-minded community of Uchicago that respects individuality will allow me to become myself again. Here, I will not be judged for every step I take. Here, I will be able to express myself and my beliefs without being objected. Therefore, I believe the free environment of the Uchicago community is perfect for a bird like me.

I am also one who likes to challenge myself and thrive to be better than I was before. The rigorous academics of Uchicago will make me challenge myself. It will make me want to do better than I have done in the past. Moreover, the competitive students I will be surrounded by will provide me more encouragement to work harder and do better. The small sized classes will provide me with a better learning environment and the research opportunities will allow me to start practicing for my career at an early age.

Nevertheless, with an education at world's greatest learning destination, I believe my future will be full of opportunities. Therefore, the University of Chicago is the perfect match for me as I will not only be able to quench my thirst for knowledge through it but also will be surrounded by open-minded people and can expect to have a secured future. If I get the opportunity to be a part of Uchicago community, I am confident that the person who graduates will be better than the person who was admitted.

BNKSDeejay - / 4 1  
Jan 3, 2013   #2
Hmm, maybe better use of apostrophes? It's others' opinions and others not 'other'.

Walls do not crush. Bad metaphor (personification)? How about confine? Like walls not letting you express yourself? That would be more accurate :)

I am also one who likes to challenge myself and thrive to be better than I was before.

I am also a person?
OP zdv 12 / 68 2  
Jan 3, 2013   #3
thanks alot. anything about the content?
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Jan 3, 2013   #4
Hello,

It's pretty funny that you knew the problem with this essay all along. You are right....this essay is indeed too cheesy and too fake. You are "a caged bird and need to fly free at Chicago." Ha! If only I had a dollar for each time I have read this very same statement. There is nothing unique about this essay. Surely you can find the same "freedom" at many other universities across the world. Why Chicago? Surely you can find rigorous academics as well...Why Chicago? This essay, as you have it written here will do your application no favors as it doesn't tell the admissions committee that you understand the resources that the school has nor does it show you have a plan to wisely utilize them. -

Hope this helps.
kabal 9 / 61  
Jan 3, 2013   #5
Your introductory paragraph alone says a lot about you. I CAN IMAGINE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN THROUGH .

People make mistakes with this question,even I made the same mistake only to be helped by a wonderful person HarvardAccept, by listing facts the college already know.

Like the way you incorporated UC's characteristic with you wishes and characteristic.Nice job. Since you started with imagery.END WITH IMAGERY.
The ENDING IS TOO FLAT. you are pretty good at it anyway.Just a THOUGHT.
grammar wise , i see no problem.
BNKSDeejay - / 4 1  
Jan 3, 2013   #6
There are a quite a few grammar errors. His use of 'will' rather than 'would' for instance, suggests a sense of haughty certainty of his enrollment next year.
Kitsumi 4 / 97 16  
Jan 3, 2013   #7
This essay, like what admission2012 is saying, is way too general. Substitute UChicago with any other university name, and you would still get a readable essay. What is "free" about Chicago? What specific walls hindered you, and why would Chicago help you?

world's greatest learning destination

If that is the reason WHY you think Chicago can help you, please rethink a bit.

Moreover, the competitive students I will be surrounded by will provide me more encouragement to work harder and do better

This sentence does not flow well.

Overall, it's a nicely written GENERAL essay. If you were supposed to answer a question about why university is important then this would fit a lot better. Try to specify it more to Chicago.
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Jan 3, 2013   #8
Hi,

I will have to agree with the users above. The essay is way too general, both about yourself and about the college. Everyone has been "confined by walls" at one point or another, please provide an example. Also "I am a free bird who wishes to fly out of this cage and University of Chicago can be my savior." This sentence comes out as too strong, it's basically saying "accept me or I'll be trapped forever".

Further discuss the significance of UC and check out their website for specific things you can write about.

Lastly, I would suggest that you revise your last sentence "If I get the opportunity to be a part of Uchicago community, I am confident that the person who graduates will be better than the person who was admitted." It simply does not end well, this is way too vague and general. Everyone applying for college can say this for themselves.

Just make your essay more personal and more specific about UC and you should be fine. Hope I helped!

Could you please check out my Tufts essay? Thanks!
OP zdv 12 / 68 2  
Jan 3, 2013   #9
Hey everyone, after my first why uchicago supplement turned out to be the worst piece of writing I had ever written ( kind of embarassed), here is the second one. I hope i have done better and hope you will be as strict as the previous time. Help me and I will help you. thanks.

My Journey of Finding the College of My Dreams.

My head was hurting. I could not do it anymore. With a sigh of hopelessness, I put down my laptop. I had been searching for colleges for hours now, and I had not found one college that met all of my needs. If it had the major, it did not offer financial aid to international students. If it did, it was not located in an urban location. If it was, it did not have a diverse student body. If it did, the classes would be too big. Even when I entered all my conditions to the college finder application in College Board, there were zero results. I had then made up my mind, there was no university that was perfect for me. So I started making compromises with my choice.

A few days later, I heard a friend talking about the University of Chicago. I had heard of it previously and knew it was a well- known university. So I went home, opened a tab and typed "University of Chicago".

As the site opened, it immediately caught my eye. But as they say "Never judge a book by its cover", I tried not to become too intimidated by the look of the site and continued my venture through the site.

My first priority was the major. So I went up to the academics section and looked for my major. All I could see was Biology and disappointment started overshadowing my face. I still decided to look at the program when I saw something- a concentration in genetics. My face brightened up. I had looked at thousands of college sites and ended up in disappointment and this was not one of those times. The research opportunities that the university offered were like a cherry on top of the cake as they would allow me to start building my career as a scientific researcher earlier in life.

Then I continued my journey and went to the international student financial aid section. I was chanting "Oh please have financial aid for international students. Please please please!" And there it read, "meets your full demonstrated need". So, two down three more to go.

Next was the location. As I already knew Chicago was a big city, one of those I had always dreamt of living in, this was no issue.

Then I proceeded to look at the student body. As a girl raised in a conservative society, I have never visited any other country or known much about other cultures. However, I have always wanted to which has led me to study books based on different cultures. Learning about the different beliefs, norms, traditions and lifestyle of people has always fascinated me. So this was an area I was not willing to compromise in. When I learned that Uchicago had admitted 26% of international students in the 2012 spring quarter, I thought this was my destination. The diversity and inclusion of the student body assured me that while I would be able to share my culture, my beliefs and my opinions with others and others with me, I would also not feel away from home or excluded.

But there was still one more area I wanted to check - the student to faculty ratio. Having studied in both a large sized and a small sized class in high school, I had realized that I learn best when I can interact and discuss in a small size class. And, as I saw the 6:1 student to faculty ratio, the feeling of satisfaction overwhelmed me.

But, there was more. The 350 student organizations would give me a chance to share my opinions with people who shared the same interests. It could help me connect globally by offering me with study abroad programs. With the rigorous academics and competing student body, I would challenge myself time and again. I could continue with my passion for dancing with the PhiNix Dance Crew without having to select it as a major.

University of Chicago offers me everything I could wish for and with its reputation I am confident that my future would be full of opportunities. UChicago will not only help me take forward my academics but I believe will also make me a well-rounded, global and motivated person. I have now found the school of my dreams. Uchicago is the one school that meets all of my requirements and offers me more. This is where I was meant to be and where I want to be.
moon05 13 / 133 20  
Jan 3, 2013   #10
Even when I entered all my conditions to the college finder application in College Board, there were zero results.

AndThough think about it

I heard a friend talking about the University of Chicago.

Careful about this line as UChicago's full name is "The University of Chicago"

So I went home, opened a tab and typed "University of Chicago".

Really, I think YOU know that it doesn't happen like that! if you have more words then type the whole process. Like went to Google-the search engine and typed....

It was good! Which one was your first, that you are saying was so bad! All the ones I saw was very good... This was good to...
kabal 9 / 61  
Jan 3, 2013   #11
This is more than the two paragraphs requested.
What can you offer University of Chicago. How do you fit the school. But i think you wrote how the school fits your need???????
From what i have read and the advise given from this forum.They want to know how you fit the school .
Check this site out. it might help: wise like us/collegewise/2009/11/university-of-chicago.html

Help me with mine
OP zdv 12 / 68 2  
Jan 4, 2013   #12
hey kabal. I forgot to put the prompt earlier so maybe that confused you. I really think that it is how uchicago addresses my desires is what they want to know and thy never specified the word limit in this prompt. The prompt reads:

How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.

If you still think im on the wrong track feel free to advise me of anything else.
moon05 13 / 133 20  
Jan 4, 2013   #13
I think you are on the right track. What you have written, a little of how you fit in UChicago also gets told in that. Let's see what kabal says.
kabal 9 / 61  
Jan 4, 2013   #14
Hi
Nice work. There is no word limit , but they mentioned one or two paragraphs. I thin you have, at least, more than 3.
Someone advised me on this forum to find fact about UC, which you obvious did. well done.
But may be mention what you plan on studying and research what they offer for your program that is specific to UC
Rule of thumb:
if you can replace UC with another school and it fits well, it not very specific
FOR MORE HELP LOOK FOR THIS THREAD:Suggestions to Essay Writers by Kitsumi

Hope I helped a bit
OP zdv 12 / 68 2  
Jan 4, 2013   #15
Thank you kabal and kitsumi. kabal your links have helped a lot. i wrote a new essay based on the new things i read.
if you both dont mind, i would really appreciate it if you looked at the new one and tell me which one is better. the new one is a lot shorter so it wont take much of you time. I am already very grateful to you. Thank you very much
Kitsumi 4 / 97 16  
Jan 4, 2013   #16
I say, combine the 2nd and the 3rd essay. You can shorten the 2nd one considerably. Don't put yourself down in your essay, it doesn't make you look humble. It just makes you sound unconfident. I'm not sure about acronyms. At least introduce your acronym. Like, University of Chicago (UC) blahblahblah... UC did this and that.

Also:

If they didn't want to know you, then they wouldn't have asked for those essays as well. So as a matter of fact, you should be concerned about those essays. The reader will also be judging you, because that is the purpose of you writing the essays. Instead, write your rebelliousness and introvert-ness as a good point.


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