Undergraduate / Living 11 years as a competitive swimmer; Common app/ Extracurricular [3]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experience (1000 character max)

I've written this response (it's still kind of rough, I know) but my dad told me to write a new one that basically just lists my accomplishments. How am I supposed to write it? Also any critiques on my current one would really be appreciated.

For those who see swimming only in the Olympics, the sport may look glamorous and easy. However living 11 years as a competitive swimmer I know it is anything but. Waking up at 5am six days a week, year round for a grueling two and a half hour practice has taught me to be dedicated and continue to try my hardest even when things get hard and I feel like giving up. Although the practices are very difficult, one of the most difficult aspects about being a club swimmer is the sacrifices one has to make. I have turned down countless social invitations because I knew to train at the highest level and become a top competitor I could not afford to miss one practice or one meet. When I had 22 hours of swimming and 40 hours of school plus homework every week, I had to learn how to manage my time to maintain good grades as well as improve my swimming. More than anything swimming has made me psychologically tough. I have become relentlessly hard working in everything I do and now crave a challenge in all aspects of my life, physical or mental.