Posts by harmonyrulez101

harmonyrulez101

Mar 9, 2013

Scholarship / High opinion of Singapore's education; Me & my interest in this SCHOLARSHIP [5]

maybe be more specific about your career goals? show that you have thought it through and that you know exactly what you want and how you're going to get it with the scholarship. you did a very good job of up selling yourself without seeming boastful. other than that, try to read your sentences out loud to avoid awkward phrasing? sometimes I had to read groups of sentences more than once to understand what you were trying to say. maybe that's because you speak british english, but it never hurts. good job and good luck! (:

harmonyrulez101

Mar 9, 2013

Scholarship / I have a petite body type & I'm pretty attractive; Questbridge SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Hi, I am applying for the Questbridge Scholarship and part of the application has two short answer questions with a 100 word limit each, but my answers are too long. I would really appreciate feedback on the actual content and any suggestions on keeping quality while staying under the limit. I didn't add any transitions because both of them are already too long. Please help, thanks. -Harmony.

List and describe three unique factors that have most shaped who you are (any obstacles you have faced or passions you have developed are especially relevant).

I have a petite body type, and I am pretty attractive- a combination that can quickly spell disaster. Martial arts helped me find the confidence in myself to know that nothing will happen to me because I won't let it. I feel as though even though I'm only 5'3", I can protect other people. Going to college early has really helped me gain a work ethic. High school work didn't require me to study and plan in order to get A's. My hair has helped me learn not to get frustrated when things do not come out the way I planned and to try again with something new, or with the same thing a different way.

If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why?
A while ago some of the younger children in my neighborhood were riding their bikes down the hill. The more that they played, the more dangerous the things that they were doing became. I advised them to stop, but I doubted that they would listen. They had no idea who I was, and it wasn't as though I knew who their parents were to tell if it came to that. So when a boy fell and scratched his arm bloody, I stood thinking about how different it would be if I had known them just enough to at least hold the threat of telling over their heads. I would change that no one takes the time to make our neighborhood a community. Everyone now is just a bunch of people who live in the vicinity of one another.

harmonyrulez101

Mar 9, 2013

Undergraduate / EXPRESS MYSELF/OPINIONS ; Benefit from education AUC ? [3]

your essay looks fine though towards the end it almost seems as though you were getting your points from an AUC brochure. they already know what they do for students, they want to know what they can do for you. try personalizing a little more, and show them why you specifically want to be there as opposed to why anyone would.

As well as the chance to express myself , my opinions , my complaints and my demands with freedom through the students union which teaches me how to be self confident . that's confusing. there's a specific name for this kind of error, but I can't remember the name right now, and I'm trying to go fast to give you more time but basically when you have a list of ideas or concepts they need to all have the same format. see how express myself and my demand with freedom have different formats? when you put one preposition at the end of a list like that, the implication is that the preposition applies to the entire list. so while my complaints with freedom and express myself with freedom make literal sense, I doubt that is what you meant to say but it can easily be taken that way and I have no idea what you're trying to say so that's the only thing I can take it as. also, that is a run-on sentence.

other than that, you did an excellent job of letting them know that you did your homework about the program and that you know what you want. hope this helps, good luck!

harmonyrulez101

Mar 9, 2013

Undergraduate / "We are going to America"; Quest Bridge C/ Significant Achievement [3]

I think that you have a great concept and you explained quite well. you're right. you are lucky. also, your essay is very well-written. I was surprised when you mentioned that english wasn't your first language, I would never have guessed. great job.

you have an issue with sentence placing here I lived in a small village in Vietnam until the age of nine when my mom,~~with her~~ eyes shimmering with hope, told me, "We are going to America." After my dad passed away two years earlier, we both needed to start anew maybe switch those two concepts around? they seem out of order..

my parents who never even passed the 6th grade did not have replace "never even" with "did not" or plain old "never".

my mom's struggles become more transparent to me I think you mean "apparent" instead of "transparent".

why is opportunities in quotations? you should take it out in my opinion, but you don't have to. it isn't a language error or anything, just my opinion.

you have a few wording choices here, my grandmother held my hands while trying to keep her tears back told me I was her only hope for my dad's legacy to live on here, provide for me but also to be as a mother and a father figure and here and I see my opportunities of the gateway to a perfect life for my mom and me that are awkward but understandable. so maybe switch the words around? try reading it out loud. that always helps me.

other than those, replace that semicolon with a comma and you're good to go. you did a great job, this essay is really inspiring. I hope this helps, good luck!

p. s. I'm applying to Questbridge too! (: