Essays / Need ideas for a catching start, topic sentence or headline [7]

I don't know if this is too late to respond to this post? I just wanted to add something here. I am terrible with correct grammar or spelling. But you seem to have the same difficulties in your writing that I have. I never know how to start or what I am trying to say.

I do however want to compliment you on your imagery! It is beautiful and very poetic with the images of the sounds of the rain mingling with that tapping of your foot steps. I can almost see the pavement being very dark and black with light dimming but shinning on it showing the rain.

So in that, it really catches your attention!. I don't know if you might write a lot of the similar things.

I think the proper advise would depend completely on WHAT you are trying to write.

Do you write an outline?

I have learning issues which effect my writing. I am very smart but when I write it is rambling and goes in circles. It is very difficult for me to focus it in a clear and coherent way. If you don't already do this, I would free write and just get everything out of your head. Go back and circle the main ideas that you like or want to say. Then make an outline. Then you can clean it up from there.

The main focus of the piece you are writing will direct you to an arresting first sentence or paragraph that will seize the reader's attention! :)

Hope this helps! It's the only way for me, I struggle with what to write and how to write it also! :)

Scholarship / Caretaking experience has inspired me to pursue Nursing - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY. [5]

Thank you so much, Dumi and Di10Di!!

These are great corrections! I really appreciate it! I'm sorry I have been sick this week and have not come in to see these and respond as quickly as I wanted to. I will make the notes and correct the errors you suggested.

I was looking through and underlined each instance of incorrect grammar you mentioned. And made the notes. I agree with these corrections you made. This helps me so much! Sometimes we really need another pair of eyes to see things we miss!

Thank you! :D,
SecondChapter99
<3

Undergraduate / What is your strength and weaknesses? -- "I am always saved by the last minute!" [4]

I do really like that you have thought out of all the qualities, strengths, interests, and weaknesses you have. My advise would be to try to think of some examples to demonstrate this. Instead of listing all of them. Why not tell a story that shows how you overcame a weakness of yours? It's "Show not Tell". This allows them to see what you are talking about, instead of just taking your word for it.

I would also try to focus on the positive. I might try to think about rewording the part of you being forgetful. I am also forgetful. But if you do talk about it, make sure to speak about this in a positive light, instead of showing how you don't like this about yourself. You want to be honest if this is something you want to talk about being hard to overcome, but you don't want to be putting yourself down either. If this was a job interview, how would you want them to think of this? How you think of yourself, will be how they think of you. You have to be careful how you word this. It's the attitude you have about yourself, being positive and mature about things that you want to come through. You don't have to be fake or a salesman to sell yourself. Also you don't want to brag about your strengths. But you can be proud of what you have overcome and show how you will use this determination to overcome obstacles and be successful in the future. You can put this in a positive light while being honest.

Such as, something like "One of my weaknesses I have been working on is my forgetfulness". Then you might follow that up with how this has made you a stronger person by trying to overcome this. You may not want to use this weakness as an example. You don't have to, you can chose a different one if you like.

Here is another idea; instead of saying, "I am also a good speaker, as I am able to express myself well. I enjoy delivering speech because I love conveying ideas and thoughts to broader audiences. This is what triggered me to join several debate competitions back then, and to my surprise, I even won one! It is really great to find success in things that I enjoy doing." I would condense these sentences into one thought. You are saying something important but taking several sentences to make this known.

Your main idea here is that this is a strength of yours, you enjoy doing it, and you were pleasantly surprised how successful you would be. You might say something like (in your own words) "One of my strengths is public speaking. I was inspired and surprised by how well I did when I joined several debate competitions in the past. Seeing how successful I could be when trying something (new, challenging, out of my comfort zone etc.), was a boost to my confidence and inspired me to want to continue (growing, doing new things,)."

You write very much like I do, in the sense that you are describing all the ideas you want to get across. This is very good for starting. I would take everything you have here and turn it into an outline. Make a list of all these ideas of your strengths and weaknesses. Then you want to condense them, so the idea comes across right away. You want to reader to feel and know what you are talking about. Instead of just hearing you describe it. It is hard for me when I write because my essays always start like this. Then I go through and circle the main ideas I want to talk about and number each one. I make an outline. Then when I start to write it again, I try to come up with new ways to write my ideas that are shorter, and show it instead of talking about it. Show by example. And no matter what, don't let the essay come across that you are picking apart the things you don't like about yourself. When you don't like you, they will wonder what they should think. You can write about the same idea but in a more positive way. To show yes, I have this weakness I have accepted, and these are the things I have done to overcome them, and how they have made me a better person.

You don't just want to list these things, like maybe you would do in an assignment. You don't want to say you are a good public speaker, you want to use an example or story to show it. This is a great start! You have everything you need, you just need to make some changes to how you get these ideas across. So that you are being honest and answering their question, but also making yourself look positive and mature. If you were reading a story, or if this was written by someone else, how would you like it to come across? Then try to edit it down. The places where you may write several sentences to say one idea, try to find a way to reword them.

1) make an outline of these ideas you are talking about. Just list them.
2) rewrite it in a way that shows your strengths and how you have overcome your weaknesses. Make it something the reader can relate to, instead of just giving an opinion of yourself or listing them.

3) then go through the paper and underline ideas that you may take several sentences to say one thing. Figure out a way to rewrite it into one. If it's too wordy, it's distracting. I write this way too! It is hard to rewrite it, but it will really help you a lot.

I hope this helps! You can do it! :) You have great ideas you want to talk about. Just rewrite it in a way that the audience can feel what you are saying in a simple way. For them to relate or know what you are talking about.

Does this help? Your positive qualities and strengths, can always overcome your weaknesses. It is more important to show how they made you a better person than to just say that you will just keep trying to work on them. If something is a topic that makes you look bad, maybe focus on another weakness you have overcome? :) Good luck!

Scholarship / Caretaking experience has inspired me to pursue Nursing - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY. [5]

Writing essay for scholarship I won last year. How do I answer same questions??

I need some help on how to start my Scholarship Essay. I am a previous winner and I don't know what they expect to hear to update them in the new scholarship application essay. I have tried looking everywhere, and all I find are scholarship essays of previous winners to help us write one. Not anything that shows you what they want you to write if you are a previous winner (last year), for this same scholarship application this year.

I wrote one last year for this same scholarship and I won! This took me a lot of work and the essay really does answer all of their questions. But my question is, how do I write the essay, if I am applying this year also? I know that they do follow students that win, and they want an update. I feel that my previous essay answers all of their questions. And even though I know they want an update to what is new, I am still pursuing the same major, and there is nothing new to update other than I am continuing on my studies and I am continuing to be successful. I am excited and look forward to getting into the Nursing program. I can paste my previous essay if that is necessary? I am wondering, if I didn't do community service this year, and there isn't anything new, what do I write? I can't just rehash the old one right? Sigh...

There are two essays that are required. One is for financial need. That is also the same. Why I need money is also the same reason. I have the same challenges I did last year. Can I just give the one I wrote last year?

The same goals, the only progress is I have finished my prerequisite classes, and have applied for the Nursing program. My grades are still high honors. (I just got my letter yesterday that I did not get in because of too many qualified applicants, but if there is an opening they will contact me.) I am on the waiting list. So I am still working toward these same goals.

Last year was the first year I wrote a scholarship essay. I thought this year would be easier since I learned how to write one last year. But it's the same scholarship committee. Does anyone know what they are looking for and how I should approach it? Here are the questions for the personal statement essay. They want you do give a personal statement addressing the following:

* Your interest in your program or major. - Nursing
* How (this school I am attending) has impacted your life.
* Your personal and professional goals and/ or achievements.
* Any community service and/ or organizations you've been involved with.

I already answered all of these questions in the first essay. So it's not really a different answer. And I don't have anything new to discuss to update them. Except that I tried to organize a walk for Alzheimer's and participated in that. I wasn't able to get students to join me, but I got a few coworkers. It was a good experience for me. Also my schedule between work and school hasn't given me the time to pursue the community service opportunities that I told them that I was looking into getting involved in. I am not sure how to word it in a way that will look positive.

Here is what I wrote last year:

"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." - Aesop.

I have always loved to help and take care of others. Experiences throughout my life with ill and disabled family members have shaped me into who I am today. They have inspired me to work in the medical field and make a difference in people's lives. My long-term goals are to earn an Associate's Degree in Nursing and obtain a career as a Registered Nurse. The nursing fields that interest me are oncology, pediatrics and elder care.

As a girl, I witnessed the long term effects of surgery and radiation treatments. My father endured fatigue, speech therapy and a pureed diet for years as he battled through throat cancer. My family has taught me the value of commitment and long term care of an ill loved one. As a young adult, I moved in with my grandmother to help as her Alzheimer's progressed. She had always been a positive role model for me. When I was younger, she had worked as a Certified Nurse Assistant. I grew up hoping that I too, could someday help others and improve lives. Later as an adult, I cared for a loved one who is a disabled veteran on and off for nine years. These life experiences as a caretaker have strengthened me to be able to do more and help others in a positive and healthy way. Now that my parents are senior citizens and my mother is living with Multiple Myeloma (a form of bone marrow cancer), I am more motivated than ever to work in the healthcare field.

After being out of school for almost a decade, I came back to ________ in fall 2011. Despite having a learning disability and working full time, I earned the Phlebotomy Technician degree. Through hard work and determination, I conquered my fears that I "couldn't do it" by graduating in 2012 with high honors! My family and I are very proud that I am the first in our family to graduate college. After graduating, I took additional EKG courses in summer and fall 2012 to upgrade my degree to "Healthcare Technician Certificate". I will graduate with this certificate in May. In February I was honored to join (our school's) Honor Society. I have participated in two bake sale fundraisers for the Hurricane Sandy Relief trip. Being new to community service, I look forward to getting involved! I am currently looking into volunteer opportunities available at__________ Hospice, ________(children's charity), and local elder services. I plan to take prerequisite courses this year in preparation for the 2014 Nursing Program. I cannot thank ____ enough for all the support that has made my success possible.

(Then I told a story that is a fable showing the importance of helping others. And how little things that seem unimportant can mean all the world to someone's life). Like _____, I believe that I too can make a difference, one patient at a time.