Writing Feedback / Last few years, authority as well as government is highly concerned about the school atmosphere. [6]

I think this essay is over-generalized and very impersonal. You are answering the question in a way that is too broad, and there is nothing in it to help me connect with you as a person. Incorporate some of your own specific experiences and reflect upon them to make it more personal: have you seen this type of behavior in other people? How did you feel about it? Put in your voice.

I would also stay away from the traditional essay structure with the introduction and conclusion. Start out the essay with an attention grabber (such as a personal experience like I mentioned before), and scrap the "in conclusion" statement from the last sentence. These make your essay sound too formal. Think of a creative way to distinguish your essay from those of other applicants.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Treat pets like family members or not? 'it is not a good idea' [5]

I think the biggest problem with your essay is that it is too formal. It follows the traditional essay structure (intro, body paragraphs, conclusion) and makes it sound like you are just listing items. Think of a creative way to structure your essay, and don't be afraid to think outside the box.

Also, your essay does not have voice - I cannot visualize you when I read your essay.

Writing Feedback / A person should be very careful when making a decision - think carefully before any judgement [8]

Try not to follow the traditional essay structure. Don't say "firstly", "secondly", "thirdly", and "in conclusion" - these make your essay sound weaker! Try to think outside the box and be unique in your writing style.

To help the people who read your essay see you as a person, add in personal experiences - have you been in a situation where you have made a decision based on emotion first, and then realized that this was the wrong decision? Have you seen another person go through this process? Anecdotes will strengthen your argument. You can also use events that have occurred in society as examples - these are more persuasive than hypothetical situations.

Writing Feedback / A person should be very careful when making a decision - think carefully before any judgement [8]


Think about how each paragraph connects to the previous one. For example, for your third paragraph, you could start out with something like "Emotion can also affect decision-making on a larger level of society, as seen with presidential elections", because your second paragraph talks about local/personal issues while your third paragraph goes into the national level. I don't know, I'm not that great at transitions either, but I hope this helps a little.