Posts by lillehcai

lillehcai

Nov 7, 2013

Undergraduate / Common App essay on failure: finding confidence through Model UN [4]

Hi guys! I need help for my essay and I thought I'd try asking for feedback here :) I'm worried about possible cliches and if what I am trying to say is clear.

I haven't decided which prompt to use yet, but it'll probably be the overcoming failure one. Thanks in advance!

Three years ago, my friend gave me a wake up call: "I could count on one hand the number of times you spoke in conference!" I was offended and crestfallen, but she was right.

My first Model United Nations conference had just ended. I was always branded as "the shy kid," and I found it difficult to make friends with people whom I had known for years but were merely acquaintances. My 15-year-old self thought that MUN would be the solution to my fear of public speaking, my lack of confidence, and that by joining I would magically be able to make friends with everyone in the club.

At first, things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. I was scared. Public speaking evidently didn't come naturally to me, even as my friend was shooting me glances trying to pressure me into going up to speak during MUN sessions. I could read her mind: "Lillian, what are you doing planted in your seat? You're Russia! Russia's important, Russia should say something!" After a couple months of this foolishness, I finally decided to sign up for my first conference. "This is it!" I thought. "I'm finally going to show my potential!"

I totally did not. I was planted in my seat, scared like a mouse, same as always. But after those cringe-worthy two days of conference and my friend's criticism, I decided I needed to really commit to improving myself. Months later, on the bus ride to my second conference, I told myself: "Lillian, you're going to do okay. Or is it going to be like the first conference all over again? Don't let that happen. Okay, we're here. Try not to trip over your nerves."

Long story short, I was able to gather up my nerves that weekend, surprising others but especially myself by winning an award. And when I realized I could do better than I thought, I tried again at another conference. Then another. Somewhere along the way, I regained my confidence. It had faded away as I hit puberty and self-esteem issues that caused me to be anxious around others. As I learned to write proper resolutions, dress the part, and carry myself like a diplomat, my self-esteem rose up steadily. My newfound ability to finally cast off the image of "the shy kid," and interact comfortably with strangers was refreshing.

Presenting a confident image in public doesn't come naturally to me. I had to find enough self-esteem from within to be able to push myself toward the podium and make a speech. Sounds like a clichéd happy ending, doesn't it? Although a common piece of advice is to be "you," I believe that my former personality wasn't the best version of myself, nor was it the best I could become. In the fairy tale world, Cinderella finds her escape from the confines of her world and her stepmother's orders, and MUN was mine, away from the limitations of my former personality.

People can change more than they think, and even now, I embrace change. I love trying new things - whether it is an unfamiliar song, cuisine or activity. If I hadn't joined MUN three years ago, I wonder if I would've been the same person today. I don't know what it is I want to do in life yet...maybe it is within the realm of the social sciences? In any case, while MUN has pointed me in a broad direction and allowed me to expand my comfort zone, it hasn't magically revealed my destined future career. After all, fairy godmothers don't exist. We create our own future, and we are living it every day.

lillehcai

Nov 7, 2013

Undergraduate / I must confess that I am an introspective person; personal statement to HKU [3]

Hey :) What's the prompt?

1. I like your ideas, especially how Buddhism changed you as a person. But in some parts of your essay, perhaps it would be better to "show not tell". For example, you could delete the sentence "Fortunately, martial arts and Buddhism have turned me from an introvert into an extrovert" and instead allow your story to make the reader have that conclusion.

2. Also, you talk about four separate experiences that changed you as a person: martial arts club, your religion, your culture course, and your volunteering. I think that it could be organized better, or you could pick two or even just one experience and talk about that in detail. There are more details on your martial arts experience and your religion than the other two. Right now, these four experiences make your essay a little messy. But the ideas are still good!

3. Some grammar mistakes. If others don't mention them, I'll try to help ASAP!

lillehcai

Nov 8, 2013

Undergraduate / I came to the United States in the year 2000; UC Personal Statement [2]

Hey :) (btw thank you for commenting on mine)

A few things I noticed:
1. I really liked your story, but the pacing is a bit too rushed. Like when you're telling your story, instead of focusing on getting many details down, try slowing down the pace and adding some more transitions.

2. Is this already near the word limit? Because it shows more of what happened than how it affected you. You could elaborate on the effect that overcoming others' prejudices had on you. Maybe watch your tone, I wouldn't be too accusatory of those people who laughed at you (after all, kids can be quite dumb)

3. I think that your four-square game victory is a good transition, but it's a little too long. Try making it more concise, you can use those words to elaborate elsewhere where it's more important. Also be careful of tone here. Your overcoming of others' prejudices is a more important point than celebrating a victory over them. Did you win respect by winning that competition or with your attitude/presentation of yourself? Emphasize the second.

4. I think that your second sentence is a more effective opening than your first one, because its less direct and more attention grabbing. Ever heard of "show, don't tell"? This would be really great for that!

My teacher began her Language Arts lesson

Paragraph break before this? Or think about where you transition and consider making a paragraph break there.

I hope this helped you!

lillehcai

Nov 8, 2013

Undergraduate / Students and Staff ; unique qualities of Northwestern [4]

(Thanks for responding to mine!)

Really liked your first two paragraphs. I thought it was really attention-grabbing and didn't sound like something you could write for 10 other schools.

I also want to find myself invigorated by new passions.

What does this mean? Do you mean you want to find new passions? Seems like it belongs more in the next paragraph (which I don't think needs a paragraph break actually. It could be tacked onto the third paragraph in my opinion) or you might be able to delete it.

Fiercely determined, but not cutthroat academics.

Hmm if you're saying that the people there are "fiercely determined", those people can't be "cutthroat academics". How about "overly competitive" or something?

Also like the last sentence. I really think that the main problem is just what you're trying to convey in the last paragraph. It's vague-r than your first paragraph and I think your last paragraph is the one that needs elaborating rather than the first one, that one doesn't need anything more!

Hope this helped you! :)

lillehcai

Nov 8, 2013

Undergraduate / Being Chinese and adopted ; Central to IDENTITY [4]

Oh my god. It's really good...It makes me feel inferior! I don't know why you're not confident. (I think I sounded a bit hypocritical there) I felt your story was really interesting and will stand out from the pile.

You might want to address some tone issues so that you don't sound too alienated from everyone else (at least, aside from your family). However, this also shows your individuality so you decide whether or not you want to address this.

Only saw very minor errors...

I felt similarly as American as I felt un-Chinese. Connecting with the culture I was born with and the one I was raised with was seemingly impossible.

It's already fine, but I suggest "I felt similarly as American as I didn't feel Chinese". Just seems a little more clear to me.

has always been difficult. Partly because

Hyphen between these?

than the circumstances that they are dealt with.

Just "dealt". I think you'll see it. (Like, the cards that people are dealt)

My ethnicity and family situation caused experiences that have shaped my identity, but they do not define me as a person.

Slight tense issue. "My ethnicity and family situation have caused [what about 'given me'?] experiences that shape my identity, but..."
I think because the second clause is present and the first clause is past it creates a slight contradiction.

My family struggle has been the hardest

The hardest...? Did you mean just 'hard'?

Yes your experience is rather sad, but you ultimately came out of it knowing it made you who you are - thoughtful, perceptive, and strong. That's the conclusion I get from your essay and why I think it's frickin impressive.

I'm just a random person on the internet but I hope you know that ^.

lillehcai

Nov 14, 2013

Undergraduate / Common App essay on failure: finding confidence through Model UN [4]

Hey guys and thanks for your comments! Sorry for not updating :<
This is the newest version and near-final draft. I'm quite happy with it :) Still, any sort of input/feedback is welcomed.
__________________________________________________________
Three years ago, my friend scolded me: "I could count on one hand the number of times you spoke in conference!" I was offended by her wake up call, but she was right - my first Model United Nations conference was a disaster.

I had always been branded as "shy." My 14-year-old self thought that MUN would be the lesson in confidence I sorely needed. But public speaking evidently didn't come naturally to me, even as my friend was shooting me glances trying to pressure me into speaking up during MUN sessions. I knew she was thinking: "Lillian, what are you doing planted in your seat? You're Russia! Russia should say something!" After a couple months of this silliness, I decided to take a chance and sign up for my first conference. "This is it! I'm finally going to show my potential!" I thought.

But I didn't. During that first conference, I was planted in my seat, scared like a mouse, same as always. So after that wake-up call, I knew I needed to turn things around - quickly. Months later, on the plane ride to my second conference, I told myself: "Lillian, you're going to do okay. Don't let it be like the first conference all over again. Try not to trip over your nerves."

Thankfully, I didn't trip over my nerves, surprising others but especially myself by winning an award. And when I realized I could do better than I thought, I tried again at another conference. Then another. Somewhere along the way, as I learned to write proper resolutions, dress the part, and carry myself like a diplomat, I regained the confidence I hadn't had for years. It was refreshing.

Presenting a confident image in public didn't come naturally to me. I had to continuously step outside my comfort zone. Although a common piece of advice is to be "you," I believe that my former personality prevented me from being the best I could become. In the Disney movie, Princess Jasmine escapes from the confines of her world and sees a whole new world by venturing outside her palace. MUN was how I escaped my limitations and discovered my world of possibilities.

Three years ago, I truly wouldn't have thought that I would be the person I am today. I came to realize that I could overcome my shyness - a quality that I had resigned myself to believe would be permanent - and was capable of much more. I realized that testing or pushing past my boundaries could be rewarding in inconceivable ways, because one's boundaries can never be clearly defined. There is infinite potential manifested in each individual.

The thought of changing one's personality is sometimes intimidating. It seems easier and more comforting to stay the same, to continue existing in the familiar, but that really doesn't get one anywhere. In MUN, I was motivated to abandon the familiar and change quickly, and I felt in control of myself for the first time because change was what I wanted and welcomed.

While I am intimidated by the future, I also actually feel secure in its unpredictability: there are so many possibilities and so much potential that I haven't yet had the chance to explore. I've come to realize that as long as I can adapt, just as I was able to in MUN, the future seems less scary. Ultimately, the only person who can help you is yourself. After all, genies and magic lamps don't exist. We create our own future, and we are living it every day.