Hi guys! I need help for my essay and I thought I'd try asking for feedback here :) I'm worried about possible cliches and if what I am trying to say is clear.
I haven't decided which prompt to use yet, but it'll probably be the overcoming failure one. Thanks in advance!
Three years ago, my friend gave me a wake up call: "I could count on one hand the number of times you spoke in conference!" I was offended and crestfallen, but she was right.
My first Model United Nations conference had just ended. I was always branded as "the shy kid," and I found it difficult to make friends with people whom I had known for years but were merely acquaintances. My 15-year-old self thought that MUN would be the solution to my fear of public speaking, my lack of confidence, and that by joining I would magically be able to make friends with everyone in the club.
At first, things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. I was scared. Public speaking evidently didn't come naturally to me, even as my friend was shooting me glances trying to pressure me into going up to speak during MUN sessions. I could read her mind: "Lillian, what are you doing planted in your seat? You're Russia! Russia's important, Russia should say something!" After a couple months of this foolishness, I finally decided to sign up for my first conference. "This is it!" I thought. "I'm finally going to show my potential!"
I totally did not. I was planted in my seat, scared like a mouse, same as always. But after those cringe-worthy two days of conference and my friend's criticism, I decided I needed to really commit to improving myself. Months later, on the bus ride to my second conference, I told myself: "Lillian, you're going to do okay. Or is it going to be like the first conference all over again? Don't let that happen. Okay, we're here. Try not to trip over your nerves."
Long story short, I was able to gather up my nerves that weekend, surprising others but especially myself by winning an award. And when I realized I could do better than I thought, I tried again at another conference. Then another. Somewhere along the way, I regained my confidence. It had faded away as I hit puberty and self-esteem issues that caused me to be anxious around others. As I learned to write proper resolutions, dress the part, and carry myself like a diplomat, my self-esteem rose up steadily. My newfound ability to finally cast off the image of "the shy kid," and interact comfortably with strangers was refreshing.
Presenting a confident image in public doesn't come naturally to me. I had to find enough self-esteem from within to be able to push myself toward the podium and make a speech. Sounds like a clichéd happy ending, doesn't it? Although a common piece of advice is to be "you," I believe that my former personality wasn't the best version of myself, nor was it the best I could become. In the fairy tale world, Cinderella finds her escape from the confines of her world and her stepmother's orders, and MUN was mine, away from the limitations of my former personality.
People can change more than they think, and even now, I embrace change. I love trying new things - whether it is an unfamiliar song, cuisine or activity. If I hadn't joined MUN three years ago, I wonder if I would've been the same person today. I don't know what it is I want to do in life yet...maybe it is within the realm of the social sciences? In any case, while MUN has pointed me in a broad direction and allowed me to expand my comfort zone, it hasn't magically revealed my destined future career. After all, fairy godmothers don't exist. We create our own future, and we are living it every day.
I thoroughly enjoyed this essay and was hooked by your intro. Your conclusion is equally strong and leaves a satisfied feeling after reading it.
I totally did not.
The phrasing is a bit informal, and breaks up the flow of your essay.
Long story short
I tend to avoid that phrase, since it's vague. It's like your friend telling you they have a secret, but won't tell you. Idk. That's just how I feel about phrases like that in essays haha.
And when I realized
I think you can drop the "and"
Although a common piece of advice is to be "you," I believe that my former personality wasn't the best version of myself, nor was it the best I could become.
Very smart, I really like this part!
it hasn't magically revealed my destined future career. After all, fairy godmothers don't exist. We create our own future, and we are living it every day.
Again, a really nice touch.
I there there are just a few errors in fluency, but I think your essay is original, lighthearted, and unique. Good luck :D
Hey guys and thanks for your comments! Sorry for not updating :<
This is the newest version and near-final draft. I'm quite happy with it :) Still, any sort of input/feedback is welcomed.
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Three years ago, my friend scolded me: "I could count on one hand the number of times you spoke in conference!" I was offended by her wake up call, but she was right - my first Model United Nations conference was a disaster.
I had always been branded as "shy." My 14-year-old self thought that MUN would be the lesson in confidence I sorely needed. But public speaking evidently didn't come naturally to me, even as my friend was shooting me glances trying to pressure me into speaking up during MUN sessions. I knew she was thinking: "Lillian, what are you doing planted in your seat? You're Russia! Russia should say something!" After a couple months of this silliness, I decided to take a chance and sign up for my first conference. "This is it! I'm finally going to show my potential!" I thought.
But I didn't. During that first conference, I was planted in my seat, scared like a mouse, same as always. So after that wake-up call, I knew I needed to turn things around - quickly. Months later, on the plane ride to my second conference, I told myself: "Lillian, you're going to do okay. Don't let it be like the first conference all over again. Try not to trip over your nerves."
Thankfully, I didn't trip over my nerves, surprising others but especially myself by winning an award. And when I realized I could do better than I thought, I tried again at another conference. Then another. Somewhere along the way, as I learned to write proper resolutions, dress the part, and carry myself like a diplomat, I regained the confidence I hadn't had for years. It was refreshing.
Presenting a confident image in public didn't come naturally to me. I had to continuously step outside my comfort zone. Although a common piece of advice is to be "you," I believe that my former personality prevented me from being the best I could become. In the Disney movie, Princess Jasmine escapes from the confines of her world and sees a whole new world by venturing outside her palace. MUN was how I escaped my limitations and discovered my world of possibilities.
Three years ago, I truly wouldn't have thought that I would be the person I am today. I came to realize that I could overcome my shyness - a quality that I had resigned myself to believe would be permanent - and was capable of much more. I realized that testing or pushing past my boundaries could be rewarding in inconceivable ways, because one's boundaries can never be clearly defined. There is infinite potential manifested in each individual.
The thought of changing one's personality is sometimes intimidating. It seems easier and more comforting to stay the same, to continue existing in the familiar, but that really doesn't get one anywhere. In MUN, I was motivated to abandon the familiar and change quickly, and I felt in control of myself for the first time because change was what I wanted and welcomed.
While I am intimidated by the future, I also actually feel secure in its unpredictability: there are so many possibilities and so much potential that I haven't yet had the chance to explore. I've come to realize that as long as I can adapt, just as I was able to in MUN, the future seems less scary. Ultimately, the only person who can help you is yourself. After all, genies and magic lamps don't exist. We create our own future, and we are living it every day.
