Posts by katsen

katsen

Dec 27, 2013

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement- Plucking White Hairs [3]

Hi! This is my first thread and I really need help on my Princeton supplement (comments on grammar and content) . I'd appreciate any harsh criticism! Thank you!

Prompt: Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way. (I know that writing about my mom is cliche but she truy did impacted me through her job and I want to mention how much she has inspired and motivated me to balance everything in my life just as she has)

I was about to turn into bed when my mom suddenly cried out my name several times. She sounded urgent, so I immediately rushed to where she was. She had both her hands on her head. I frantically asked, "Mom! What's wrong?" She turned to me and replied,"Hurry! Pluck this white hair I'm holding!"

Waking up every morning at four to tidy up the house and cleaning a whole school until ten, she nurtures me and my family while managing her custodian job. She nurtured my father when he was in the hospital for his stomach surgery while taking care of me and my brother. She saved my life from my first asthma attack. In my eyes, she is a hero. However, every hero has a weakness and hers was age.

After her job transferred to a local elementary school that was a block away from my school, my mom requested me to work with her. Initially, I was reluctant because I was already managing my tutoring positions with my clubs and school work. But when I consider how much my mom has done for me, I agreed. On the first day, I walked over to the custodian room after tutoring my student. I met up with my mom, and we sat down on the chairs in the office. After we ate our microwaved dinners next to the control panels, my mom told me the list of tasks that I had to do. I had to vacuum all the classrooms' rugs in both building divisions, vacuum the school's entrance rugs, sweep the hallways and the cafeteria, and take out the trash. Exhausted from more than 3 hours of work, I dropped down at the seat in the custodian room. While sitting down, I saw my mom. She was mopping the hallways while moaning about the soreness of her back and arms. She later sat down after finishing her job. While she rested, I started to notice the numerous of white strands on her head.

How she manages everything she has to do at home and at her workplace everyday even with her aching pain amazes me. My mom's perseverance and hard work inspired me to instill those same qualities. Seeing her work hard motivated me to work just as hard in my studies. I appreciate my mom for giving me the opportunity to realize how much she has to endure for my family and me. So I do not mind dropping everything that I am currently doing just to pull out one white strand for my mom.

katsen

Dec 28, 2013

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement- Plucking White Hairs [3]

Thank you for your comment! I really appreciate it! I have rewritten another one. Would you mind looking over this one too? Thank you so much!

A week before I started tutoring in an after school program called OASES, I met up with the supervisor for my tutoring details. She informed me,"You will be doing one-on-one tutoring with a third grader". Since I already had experience tutoring, I confidently said,"Ok!". Then, she said,"His name is Zhao Fang. He is a non-native English speaker, so he speaks mostly Cantonese,".

"Oh."

I was uncomfortable with the idea of tutoring a non-native English speaker because I was not confident in my Cantonese speaking skills. I worried that I might translate his English vocabulary words incorrectly or even worse, misguide him with my poor translations. So before meeting him, I prepared my Cantonese skills, asking my parents and friends the Cantonese translation for basic words. On the first day, Zhao Fang only needed help on his math homework., so not much translation was needed. Then on the next day, he told me that he had to read a chapter book from his reading list. All the preparation was not helpful because I could barely translate a whole paragraph coherently to him. I felt so embarrassed. I was a failure as a tutor, afraid that Zhao Fang would not learn anything from what I was trying to translate. However, Zhao Fang smiled at me. He did not seem to mind that I was struggling with some of my translation. That smile motivated me to further improve my Cantonese. I asked my parents to teach me Cantonese and continued to try my best translating. In fact, whenever we worked on his vocabulary homework, he would pronounce his vocabulary words after I enunciated each one. Afterwards, he would tell me the Cantonese translation of the words, so while he improved his English speaking skills, I improved my Cantonese. Over time, I progressively communicated with Zhao Fang in English, decreasing the translations. After several weeks, he read the first chapter of his book by himself.

As I continued tutoring in OASES, I noticed that among all the tutors, I was the only high school student. Everybody else was either a college undergraduate or graduate student. I could not easily socialize with the other tutors. However, that did not matter because Zhao Fang was by my side. Zhao Fang never felt discouraged by the fact that he could not always understand what his classmates were doing because he distracted himself with his imagination. While his classmates talked to each other in line, he entertained himself with his hand gestures that indicated plane shooters. He always smiled no matter what situation he was in. That unchanging smile inspired me to not feel discouraged by the fact that I was the only high school tutor. I am proud to have taught Zhao Fang who not only improved my Cantonese skills but also motivated me to stay optimistic. He taught me as much as I taught him.

katsen

Dec 28, 2013

Undergraduate / I always believed that I wanted to be a model; NYU Bio [4]

It was really interesting to read how your interest in modeling evolved into your interest in biology. However, the question is what are your academic interests, so mostly emphasize exactly that- your interest in biology, but you can still include modeling. Just make the connection more clear since there some wordiness and awkward similes.

Also, specify in your conclusion. NYU is basically asking why NYU? How will NYU fulfill your interest in biology because many other universities have resources for biological research.

My passion for modeling, like a flask, shaped my premature identity and molded me into an image that I believed fit me best.

I didn't understand why you used the simile until I read about your interest in biology. It seems that you wanted to show how you connected biology with modeling, but I felt that you made it clear in your second paragraph.

As I grew older and continued looking ahead, I realized that my undying thirst for this career would not quench my knowledge or sustain me for life. Intellectual interests always intertwine with careers and a career path that would thrust me into a world of negativity and judgment on the most flawless beings is not something that I intend to rush into.

These sentences sound awkward. It would sound coherent if you directly stated why you diverted from modeling to biology.

I traded being on the outside of the lens to become the person holding the camera, the microscope.

It would be interesting to have this sentence replace the first sentence of the second paragraph and then continue introducing why you took on biology.

like a picture. It's a bit like a puzzle

Stick with one comparison to clarify your point, and it is advised to not use the word "stuff" and "bit".

science defines us; defines our world, our universe

How?
Hopefully, my comments help! Reread it out loud to yourself. That will help! Good Luck!

katsen

Dec 28, 2013

Undergraduate / I have an obsession for dramas; cinderellla moments? [2]

To kimmykimkim:

What is the prompt? It is difficult to give constructive feedback if I do not know what the prompt is. However, I can fix some grammar mistakes.

Each time as I watch

Each time I watch

, being famous, and more

You can delete "and more" since it is unnecessary. You can say" and being famous"instead.

I always pretend that I am the one in the drama, playing the role of the rich girl getting everything she wants in life, but the one thing she doesn't have is a family that loves her. I playing that role in my imagination, makes me realize that the materialistic life is nothing without the real life of consisting family, friends, and happiness. Once I come back to reality, I start to appreciate, and care more. However, that experience or idea of being in a fantasy dream makes me so happy.

It is awkward to include how one of your fantasies helped you appreciate what you have in reality more, and then you transitioned back to why you enjoy immersing yourself in your fantasies. It sounds disorganized, so please try to incorporate different ideas separately. Maybe explain in one paragraph how dramas serve as an escape and developed your world that you can control. Then, in another paragraph explain how those fantasies/ relations helped you better appreciate reality. Again, I do not know the prompt, so my suggestion might be invalid.

even if it is in my imagination

This is unnecessary because it is implied that your world is part of your imagination.

Probably every drama I watched, it was about a love story. I had never been in love, had a boyfriend, or even had my first kiss. But, as I watch an episode about love and imagine myself being the one in love; it allows me to somewhat understand the meaning of love. I feel like the dramas that I watch teach me about the real world and the dream world.

Too much details about your personal life. You can just say that even though you lack experience in love, you feel the that you can still understand the values of love through the dramas you watch and your imagination.

Dramas also give me inspiration towards my style.

You can start a new paragraph here.

inspired me view fashion towards a different perspective, outside of my comfort zone; it allowed me to broaden my horizons. Gossip Girl

This part can be deleted.

It antagonizes as

I agonize over the fact that....

Every drama has its own little quirks that make it so unique which is the reason for my obsession over dramas.

Maybe "The unique plot/ scenario of each drama is why I love watching dramas/ obsess over dramas.

Hope this helps!

katsen

Dec 28, 2013

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements- The "Teacher"; "Debater"; "Collector"; and "Worker" [7]

Hi! I really need assistance in my Stanford supplements, especially on grammar and contents. I'd appreciate any harsh criticism! Thank you so much!!!

Supplement 1: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit.)
In ninth grade, I started tutoring seventh graders simple Algebra in my previous school's study hall. After my students thanked me, I realized that I wanted to continue tutoring for the rest of my high school years. Over the years, I have taught elementary students to high school in subjects that associated with their homework such as English and Mandarin. I taught kindergartners and first grade students vocabulary and reading skills and did one-on-one Mandarin tutoring with high school students. By tutoring students of all ages, I have broadened my understanding of various school subjects.

No matter who I taught, I love dedicating my time after school tutoring students I love teaching students what I understand. Whenever I teach younger students, I feel as if I am reviewing past academic material. I love hearing my students say "Oh, we understand now!". When they feel accomplished, I feel accomplished.

Supplement 2: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (250 word limit.)
I first learned about the bill making process from a dancing document in School House Rock. I would have never expected that I would be part of the process that a document sang about until I participated in the Winter Congress of the student-run organization called Junior State of America.

Winter Congress was a convention, in which all the chapters in same region come together to present their bill ideas. Each chapter had representatives to present their bills in House and Senate hearings in which other members decide whether the bill passes or not. If the chapter's bill passed, it could be sent to Congress. I volunteered to collaborate with my chapter president to propose a bill, but before we could propose a bill, we had to form a bill idea.

My chapter president, chapter members, and I brainstormed topics issues that our bill could tackle. Common issues such as gun control and abortion popped up. However, we all agreed that we wanted to move away from typical issues. Vice president of my environmental club, I suggested to take an environmental route. My chapter president and the other chapter members consented, and we eventually decided to propose a bill on regulating electronic waste. After composing evidence of some recycling companies' disposal toxic electronic waste in developing countries such as Guinea-Bissau, we were prepared to face the committees.

After much discussions and debates, our bill failed. My chapter members and I accepted our bill's rejection and enjoyed the rest of the convention. I listened to other people's original bill ideas such as a bill to replace the national anthem with Lady Gaga's "Born This Way". In the convention, people were separated by their political affiliation. I enjoyed learning about the political ideologies of the Libertarian party and Green party. Though my chapter's bill did not pass through to Senate, what I learned from researching for the bill and listening to other chapters about their bills was worthwhile. ( I need help deleting at least 50 words.)

Supplement 3:Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better. (250 word limit.)

Konnichiwa Rumumeito-san! (That means "hello roommate" in Japanese)

Did you know that you're going to room with a four- years-old?

You read that correctly! You're going to room with a four-years-old! How is that possible you may ask? Well, it all started with two lovers who decided to immigrate from China to U.S.A. to provide their children with the American Dream. After living a few years in Oakland, California, they had their first child. To their surprise, they gave birth to their daughter on a leap year! They had hoped for a "normal" daughter, but she grew to be anything but normal.

Ever since she encountered her first manga (Japanese comic) about a magical school girl, she became an otaku, a Japanese term used to describe those who love reading manga. Her love for manga inspired her to draw cartoon animations and to learn more about the Japanese culture. After she learned how to fold paper cranes, she became interested in doing variety of arts and crafts such as reconstructing old clothes and knitting. Because she believes that anything can be crafted, she gathers recycled materials for her future creations. She once used recycled papers that she had collected from her school and home to create a colorful tree creation called the "Tree of Life" with her environmental club members. Her room is cluttered with papers, but she takes responsibility to clean up her mess afterwards.

The parents realized that their manga-loving, recyclable materials collector daughter can never be normal. Her name is Katharine, and she is excited to meet her new roommate.

I want to hear your story too!
See you soon!

Last supplement: What matters to you, and why? (250 word limit.)
I was about to turn into bed when my mom suddenly cried out my name several times. She sounded urgent, so I immediately rushed to where she was. She had both her hands on her head. I frantically asked, "Mom! What's wrong?" She turned to me and replied,"Hurry! Pluck this white hair I'm holding!"

Waking up every morning at four to tidy up the house and cleaning a whole school until ten, she nurtures me and my family while managing her custodian job. She nurtured my father when he was in the hospital for his stomach surgery while taking care of me and my brother. She saved my life from my first asthma attack. In my eyes, she is a hero. However, every hero has a weakness and hers was age.

After she transferred to a local elementary school that was a block away from my school, my mom requested me to work with her, and I agreed. On the first day, I walked over to the custodian room after tutoring my student. I met up with my mom, and we sat down on the chairs in the office. After we ate our microwaved dinners next to the control panels, my mom told me the list of tasks that I had to do. I had to vacuum all the classrooms' rugs in both building divisions, vacuum the school's entrance rugs, sweep the hallways and the cafeteria, and take out the trash. Exhausted from more than 3 hours of work, I dropped down at the seat in the custodian room. While sitting down, I saw my mom. She was mopping the hallways while moaning about the soreness of her back and arms. She later sat down after finishing her job. While she rested, I started to notice the numerous of white strands on her head.

My mom has done so much for me, so I do not mind dropping everything that I am doing to pluck her white hairs. I want to give her strength just as she did for me.

( Should I stick with this or talk about my concern over environmental issues?)

katsen

Dec 29, 2013

Undergraduate / '...brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. Just like me' YALE SUPPLEMENTS [6]

I agree with akshay1996. I love your supplements, especially the last two because you specified the experiences that inspired you to pursue what you want to do at Yale! I agree that your statement about the free weekend sounds awkward.because the beginning clause is confusing. Other than that, I have nothing more to comment on.

GOOD LUCK!

katsen

Dec 29, 2013

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements- The "Teacher"; "Debater"; "Collector"; and "Worker" [7]

Thank you for the comments! Would you suggest that I should replace the first supplement with this then?
My friend and I were concerned about all the litter surrounding our school grounds and how casually people threw away recyclable materials in our community. In our sophomore year, we scouted our classmates and others to join our environmental club called Saving Earth As One.

Though the club started with eight members, the size did not stray us from our goal. To start promoting awareness, we started a recycling system in our school. We placed cardboard boxes in every class of the elementary, middle school, and high school divisions and collected them every week to send the recycled materials to our local recycling center. We continued to raise awareness by presenting to middle school and elementary students about food wastes paper, plastics, and pollution and posting posters about the three R's. Since promoting awareness was not enough, we did volunteer opportunities such as weeding at Sausal Creek. While we raised people's environmental awareness, we raised our own by watching documentaries and presenting to each other about current environmental issues.

After a year, the club extended to a second branch in another school. As the club grew, I grew. I not only learned about the environmental issues around me but also taught others and promoted environmental protection in my school and community. I am proud of what my club members and I have done so far. I will continue to tackle environmental issues with my club. (If so, I need help deleting at least 50 words!)

Thank you so much!!!

katsen

Dec 29, 2013

Undergraduate / growing up with a sibling - stanford supplement letter to roomate [7]

Growing up with a brother was an appalling experience for me; my brother was a burden.

It was not completely appalling since you gained your good qualities from your brother's bad qualities or troublesome antics, so maybe substitute the word appalling.

Also, instead of saying burden, try substituting with troublesome or handful for better context.

Many people would say that growing up with a sibling was an enjoyable experience. I would say the opposite.

Many people do??? I also have a troublesome brother, so I find the statement funny!

I became more responsible because I had to take responsibility of my family, especially my brother and I became more patient.

The last statement should direct toward your roommate. Remember that this is a note to your roommate. You can directly state that you will show these qualities toward your roommate somehow.

Overall, I like the message you are trying to get across!