chessmeister89
Jan 31, 2014
Undergraduate / A warrior spirit never die-Naval Academy:Deeper Meaning/Purpose to earn invitation to USNA [4]
Cl0ark0
It's sentimental - but very unorganized. You have the heart, but you just need to put the pieces together. Remember - it emphasizes "well-organized." I feel you have just been rambling on - writing down whatever you feel. We call your type "poetic writers." But, even then, it's a good method of writing, but you have to go back and piece everything together. Sometimes it will require you to delete material.
Take the quotes away from what you want to tell your students. Or, if you want to keep the quotes, bring them closer in. You're not going to tell your students I made it to the top ... and now it's my duty to give them inspiration etc etc. And if you were quoting what you're wanting to say, you wouldn't use "them." You're talking 3rd person. I would just take it away.
You talk a lot of your dreams and aspirations. The academy obviously knows you want to join - but you're not telling them HOW they will help you achieve your goal.
Honestly, I'd scratch the paper. You have the heart, which is what they're wanting. But the naval academy doesn't want your heart, they want what's in your mind. Trust me, I spent 4 years in the Navy. Talk to them directly - don't show emotions. This is what happened, this is why I'm here this is what I'm going to do. Bam - Bam - Bam. I think you're getting too emotional on this paper - which is fine in some cases. But not for the naval academy. They want to see strength. Oh, and 1 more thing, never downgrade yourself - especially in an essay for this school. Shows lack of confidence ("I was not the smartest")
Cl0ark0
It's sentimental - but very unorganized. You have the heart, but you just need to put the pieces together. Remember - it emphasizes "well-organized." I feel you have just been rambling on - writing down whatever you feel. We call your type "poetic writers." But, even then, it's a good method of writing, but you have to go back and piece everything together. Sometimes it will require you to delete material.
Take the quotes away from what you want to tell your students. Or, if you want to keep the quotes, bring them closer in. You're not going to tell your students I made it to the top ... and now it's my duty to give them inspiration etc etc. And if you were quoting what you're wanting to say, you wouldn't use "them." You're talking 3rd person. I would just take it away.
You talk a lot of your dreams and aspirations. The academy obviously knows you want to join - but you're not telling them HOW they will help you achieve your goal.
Honestly, I'd scratch the paper. You have the heart, which is what they're wanting. But the naval academy doesn't want your heart, they want what's in your mind. Trust me, I spent 4 years in the Navy. Talk to them directly - don't show emotions. This is what happened, this is why I'm here this is what I'm going to do. Bam - Bam - Bam. I think you're getting too emotional on this paper - which is fine in some cases. But not for the naval academy. They want to see strength. Oh, and 1 more thing, never downgrade yourself - especially in an essay for this school. Shows lack of confidence ("I was not the smartest")